Hellride Music, Home of the Heavy, and the place of worship where a lot of trad doom metal bands made their name, cut their teeth, sold their records and had slap fights with the irritant infidels during the 00s and beyond, closed its doors today. It will be missed.
We received this email today, which we publish in full:
“Notoriously reclusive artist
The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.
For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:
The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:
“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”
“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”
Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”
Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.
Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”
We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…
It’s March 15th again… if you see this man, buy him an ice lolly…
Whatever you do, don’t ask him what 2025 minus 1976 is, or mention any mystical words like “tamarasvadge”, “poop”, and “droner”…
Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.
These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.
Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.
While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:
“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland
“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia
“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]
“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK
“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile
The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!