reverend bizarre implicated in “join the illuminati” scam!

“Join the Illuminati” posts have started appearing on the Reverend Bizarre facebook page…

They promise cash prizes, dream vacations, VIP treatments and even a Golf membership. But page manager Kimi Kärki is too busy posting photos of himself and reviews of his latest album with COTD greats Lord Vicar to remove the posts, or ask to join the Illuminati himself.

It’s been two weeks, Kimi. Make up your mind. Do you want a monthly payment of one million dollars, or not?

Image

The Springtime crusades of true doom!

Lord Vicar are about to embark on another world domination tour, starting right at the end of this week,  and heralding the passage of Spring and the arrival of magpies, Kimi’s favourite bird. The tour is scheduled to coincide with the release date of their latest collection of Sabbath covers, “The Black Powder”.

Still skipping basse classe venues and festivals like the Royal Albert Hall, Madison Square Gardens and Wacken, frequented by bands of a lower artistic stature, and opting for toilets that can guarantee Chritus’ required alcoholic requirements instead, the trek undertaken by those four gentlemen is advertised as follows:

Rotting all over the world

Being long-time and dedicated Lord Vicar fans, we hope the band delight their fans by performing their 41-minute song “Gates of Flesh” in its entirety, giving the audience the chance to enjoy a special concert as a continuous journey, not track here, track there. This is the way true art is to be experienced, and it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. We’ll just close our eyes, and then, afterwards, form an orderly queue at the merchandising stand.

For added artistic pleasure and enjoyment, wouldn’t it be great if Albert Witchfinder joined them on stage for “Woman out of snow”, re-enacting that infamous encounter he had with such a woman?

And why not also invite Tamara, Kimi’s favourite friend, business partner and muse, to engage in the ritual dance otherwise known as “Pole for money”?

There’s so much potential to make this tour a truly memorable one, for everyone involved, we just hope Kimi and his bandmates relish this opportunity, and do not just perform another set of shorter, punchier songs…

See you on the road, Kim! We have pre-ordered tickets for every single show from Talewynn Booking, so you can be assured we will be there, every single night…

The Springtime crusades of true doom!

Single white male WLTM record label for serious relationship, maybe more

Sami Albert “Witchfinder” Hynninen, former Doom Metal musician that actually sold records, and currently a self-styled pop idol and true artist, has recently reached out to all and sundry, with a heart-wrenching message…

Harry Porter and the Idiot from Lohja

The plight of unsigned bands is not lost on the writers of this blog, nor is the predicament of self-absorbed village boys who make music no one wants to hear yet insist on having it released in a physical format, in the year 2019…

What we don’t get is why would Sami forego the options he has at his immediate disposal, such as…

I. Tyrannus/Emissary Records. Sami’s old friends. Over ten years ago, with Reverend Bizarre only recently split-up, Albert Witchfinder could have literally gone with any label he wanted to release an old, four-track demo, and he chose this one, to impress a lady friend. Things may have turned sour afterwards, on both fronts, but the fact remains that Sami’s humanitarian misson is not finished. Pato needs a steady influx of cash, if he is to rise above the socioeconomical situation 16th century colonialism imposed on him, not a one-off. And poor, good-hearted Tamara will need a good capital to start her new life, when she can have her own european passport and does not need to pretend anymore. Sami, give those wonderful people a call! Nothing says kvlt like having released something in Chile…

II. The Church Within Records. Let’s face it, if Sami’s new, less mainstream than Reverend Bizarre band, Pussies, has any money-making potential, Oli can always go behind Sami’s back and release it anyway. So why not join them, if you can’t beat them? As added bonuses, the label can hook up Pussies with Lord Vicar for a tour, and/or release the split as a one-track CD. It’s a no-brainer.

III. Svart Records. The long suffering friends of the ex-members of Lohja COTD purists Reverend Bizarre, Svart records have put out an insane amount of records recorded by Sami and Kimi that no one wants to buy, just so they can retain vinyl reissue rights on the hot bun Reverend Bizarre back catalogue… One more split 12″ LP destined to gather dust on the shelf won’t break the bank, surely?

IV. Sami’s own, indie label. Yet to be started, but an inescapable eventuality… Sooner or later Sami will start one, to release his own music, and also get some pussy (see what we did here?)… You read it here first.

Whichever of these options this grand master of true art opts for, we simply cannot wait for this masterpiece to finally be made available to the numerous fans who crave Sami’s post-2008 output… We can blast it on the beach in Ibiza all summer, on our special, waterproof turntable, while others enjoy themselves in the familiar comfort of the abyss.

 

Single white male WLTM record label for serious relationship, maybe more

Celebrating 43 years of a noble and dignified life…

Join us, dear readers, as we once again turn the spotlight on a wonderful creature…

Kimi Kärki, formerly known as Peter Vicar, the frontman of Reverend Bizarre, Orne, E-Musikgruppe Lux Ohr, Uhrijuhla, Annankatu Five, Kalastaja, Kasarmin Valo and numerous other successful bands and projects, collaborator of Procession and best friend and benefactor of Tamara Abarzua, former A&R of Emissary Records, came into this world out of a certain orifice, exactly 43 years ago…

where the wild roses grow

The man, the legend who reportedly turned down careers both in the Finnish military, but also the modelling industry, to concentrate on his one true love… making mone… err, no, we mean, music.

How could anyone not fall in love immediately with such a gorgeous man?

kiss me I'm famous

On this momentous and monumental occasion, let us revisit some of Kim’s special moments…

Aaaaaaaaaaaand we’ll start with Kimi’s penchant for calling anyone who disagrees with him online an “internet commando”, while he himself bravely and courageously threatens people a coupla continents and oceans away from the safety of his computer:

nine years of justice prevailing

We’re guessing “Peter Vicar” must have misplaced his passport for the past nine years or so, unfortunately hindering his chances of travelling, booking tours, or holidaying in Ionian sea islands… mmmhm. Poor, poor thing. Not to mention that Chile is a long way away, you can’t really plan for the weather, strange customs, etc.

Moving on, let’s consider another classic moment… How  do you get rid of faulty CDs? Simple, you keep schtum, open pre-orders, send the faulty discs out and claim “there is absolutely nothing that can be done”…

there's still one bill left to pay, Kim

And finally, who cannot love an ode to one’s private parts?

Leaving you on that uplifting musical note, we wholeheartedly wish Kimi a very happy birthday… May idiots snatch all those faulty CDs on this special day, at full price, so you don’t have to sell them bargain-priced on tour…

Celebrating 43 years of a noble and dignified life…

Lord Vicar to attempt another CD pressing!

Lord Vicar have annouced the release of their next album, The Black Powder, on the respectable The Church Within label. You know, the kind that goes behind artists’ backs to re-release sure-sellers, or which sends out faulty CDs to those who were naive enough to pre-order…

Will the CD version of the album be a fan-pleasing single track one again, or will the otherwise resilient Kimi Kärki succumb to industry pressure and allow his fans to pick tracks this time?

We’ll find out just this May!

In the meantime, let’s feast our hungry eyes on some really, really cool photos from the production of said masterpiece…

And we start with this one, a highly artistic representation of two musicians and the artist affectionately known as “Blonde Ambition”:

XL fridge

Whoever managed to distract Kimi for a few moments to take this picture, while he was surrounded by snacks and other edibles, is a master of persuasion. Deep bow!

Here is Kimi again, pulling the same face he did when Oli told him about the succesful pressing of their previous album, Gates of Flesh, which was intended to be “deliberately shorter than previous albums”, with “shorter, punchier songs”. But wasn’t.

aaarghhh

Moving on, a snapshot from the recording of The Black Powder:

oh No No please No

We love the look on Chritus’ face, bracing himself for the inevitable moment when Kimi might open his mouth to “sing”. Lol.

And finally, presumably an instance of the album’s playback:

oops I did it again

Some people don’t learn from past mistakes. It’s sad…

Lord Vicar to attempt another CD pressing!

Sami Albert “Witchfinder” Hynninen turns 43 today!

We can picture him looking all jovial over his birthday cake, like this:

party shoes

We’d say something like “One year wiser!”, but we’re not mean…

Happy Birthday, Sam! May all your bargain bin records find a loving home today…

 

Sami Albert “Witchfinder” Hynninen turns 43 today!

gratuitous nachos commercial

muncho villa

Kimi Kärki, chief lyricist of renowned COTD Doom Metal band Lord Vicar (and formerly the frontman of Reverend Bizarre), recommends a diet full of carbs and processed food for a healthy lyric-writing process… Nothing like an influx of useless calories of no nutritional value to stimulate whatever limited braincells you have and open the gates of existential poetry!

gratuitous nachos commercial

it’s that day again…

Normally we’d be worried about our favourite Chilean Claret aficionado, but if he says he’s a man of Zen nowadays, we believe him. Like we believe everything else he says…

the demons annoying sami

What a gorgeous t-shirt, by the way. It’s incredible what one can achieve by demanding TOTAL CONTROL!

Happy March 15th, Sami!

it’s that day again…

a gentleman’s agreement

Hi Ol, the drummer and I have a new album ready to record, we need money for the studio.

The drummer and you? What happened to the other two?

Nothing happened. They just don’t count. The one’s a drunk, the other’s an idiot. The drummer and I make the albums, the other two just tag along. So, how soon can you give us the cash?

There’s no cash. I made no money from your last record. I actually lost a lot.

And whose fault is that, you illiterate idiot?

Not mine. The factory spoke the colonialist language of the layman instead of the superior aryan one.

You didn’t add the index numbers, you dumb prat.

As I said, not my fault. There’s no money for another record.

Guess I’ll have to call The Miskatonic Foundation then…

Ok, there might be a way to make back the money I lost on YOUR faulty CDs.

What’s that?

You give me two albums of your previous band to re-release, I make some sweet dough, there might be some for you.

Are you nuts? I don’t own the rights to those.

Who does?

The label.

We’ll ask the label, then.

No, you have to ask the emo kid first. He has to give permission.

I don’t want to deal with the emo kid.

Well, that’s the way it has to be.

Ok, I ask the emo kid.

And what if he says no?

I do it anyway.

He’ll go nuts.

He can cry all night if he wants to.

We won’t hear the end of it.

That mexican woman got him to do worse.

She’s not mexican. And she had a powerful weapon that we don’t.

What weapon?

That grande panocha was really grande.

You may not have a panocha, but you are one.

You are a panocha too.

At least I’m a panocha who loves money.

No one loves money more than I do!

Really? Guess who already contacted the label and got the rights for those two albums…

Seriously? We’re in deep shit.

No shit. You’ll pretend you didn’t know either. Then you’ll handle it publicly, on facebook. Tell him some crap about getting over it and learning from it and focusing on something positive.

He’s a cry baby.

Well, let him cry.

I’m not sure about this.

Well, I lost money on your last album, so I’m doing it anyway. It’s just a case of whether you help me, and then I might help you. Make another album, that is.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes. Just don’t announce the CDs until they’re out and he can’t stop it.

Deal. Now tell me, was that brazilian woman’s panocha so powerful?

He used to walk around with her panties in his pocket, to sniff at if he felt lonely, or got a panic attack. The stench would clear any confined space he walked into. He was banned from shopping malls and shops and rode the bus alone, with the bus driver cursing at him. Does that give you an idea?

Oh my. Such potential. Do you think she might be interested in joining my label?  As an A&R rep or something prestigious like that?

F off, Oli.

Bye, Kim. Feel free to call back when you want money for the studio, you fat twat. Ha ha.

*line dies

a gentleman’s agreement