“Look right here. You did not pay in good faith for a faulty disc. No, you didn’t.”
How many pricks can you spot in this photo?
The first person to reply with the correct answer wins a Reverend Bizarre swag bag (no, we don’t mean Tamara’s purse), full of goodies.
So, while our writers were absorbed elsewhere, Lord Vicar finally sneaked out their vinyl version of “Gates of Flesh”… Turns out the “something special and never seen before in the Doom metal history” is a piece of cardboard that folds out as you open the vinyl sleeve. We’re not kidding:
No doubt this seems fascinating if you are a village boy from Finland who got lucky and rode the broomstick of (relative) success for like 14 minutes on the back of someone else.
We imagine the executive meeting that led to this idea along the lines of…
Kimi Kärki: This would look so cool! All our 5-year-old-brained fans will love it!
Oliver Richleech: wunderbar! Can someone handle the pressing plant this time so I don’t eff up again?
Chrisis Lindarseon: Great idea Kim! I love being in this band! Really, I do!
New Bass Player: *claps along*
Jussi Mypeabrainoski: Hey, look! A donut!
Dilbert Whorefinder: *cringe* That’s not esoteric or enlightened enough, otherwise I would have thought of it first! Ha!
Our sincerest condolences to all those who parted with money for this fancy cardboard DIY project.
The very next day after our previous post, a bizarre photo appeared on the Lord Vicar facebook page, featuring sealed parcels in some kind of wheelbarrow:
Surely, if these parcels include the vinyl pressings of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”, whoever received them could take the extra 2 minutes to open the parcels, right? Or at least one of them, and take a photo of the contents instead? Seeing as we’re talking about “something special” and “never seen before in the Doom Metal history”? Right?
Well, four days later, still no photo of the contents, no records received by anyone anywhere, no emails to enquiring pre-buyers…
Meanwhile, the man who does not need a mask anymore, our beloved cultural historian Kimi Kärki has left to go on holiday, while those parcels sort themselves out…
You couldn’t make this stuff up! You honestly couldn’t.
Three months on from this post, more than a month on from the date given therein:
…and no one has seen a copy of the vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”.
There are no official announcements or outgoing emails from either the band or The Church Within / Doom Dealer. No explanations, no apologies.
And yet Kimi Kärki remains a prolific poster of junk on facebook, Lord Vicar post links to gig reviews where they’re proclaimed “masters”, but no one sees the need to keep pre-order buyers informed.
Lord Vicar, and The Church Within: Stalwarts of true professionalism!
We would like to conclude our Peter Vicar month with this quiz, dear readers, giving you a chance to see how you measure up against this pillar of greatness and how close you are to being a “Doom Metal Icon”… To find out the truth, simply answer those questions:
Your band has split up. You form a new band, with a different line-up, a different singer and a different chief songwriter. There could be benefits, however, if you explicitly introduce the new band as “the natural continuation” of the former. Would you?
b. Sure thing! Are you kidding?
Because of a mistake of your own label, the CD version of your new album is faulty. Do you…
a. Own up to it, directly let everyone know about it, and ask if they still want to receive the CD or would prefer a refund?
b. Send out the faulty CDs anyway and say “there’s aboslutely nothing that can be done”?
An impressionable, well-meaning but pea-brained hack has just written an article on you, full of inaccuracies, especially with regards to your past, status and accomplishments. Those inaccuracies, however, present you in a more favourable light. Do you…
a. Contact the journalist immediately, and offer the necessary corrections?
b. Post a link to the inaccurate article on all social networking sites you can, without mentioning anything, either to the writer or the readers?
Someone you’ve never met has been lying both to you and your fans, so she can steal their money. Who do you side with, and actively protect, in every way you can?
a. Your fans.
b. The liar.
exclusively “a”s: sorries, mate, it seems like you are an honest person, with common sense, responsibilty and a spine. You could never possibly be Peter Vicar.
exclusively “b”s: Congratulations! You ARE Peter Vicar!