standing on the shoulders of giants

As you might be aware, if you follow trendy social networking sites, Kimi Kärki’s second solo album, “Eye for an Eye”, came out last week to rapturous applause by… ehhm, Kimi’s mates, mostly. Among the album’s nine (that’s 9!) tracks, just the one features a guest appearance from Patrick Walker, singer/songwriter of Warning and 40 Watt Sun, which is something Kimi wants to make sure everyone knows about:

With such repetitive bashing on the head, one could be forgiven for thinking that this is actually a Patrick Walker release (for which Kimi is simply collecting the royalties, natch!). Which might as well be what the latter wants.

And yet, we’re just cherry-picking here, as we’d need an entire blog to include all instances where the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar casually name-dropped Pat while pimping his new album… But those examples are enough to give you an idea of the lengths some people are willing to go to, to shift some more units.

You didn’t see as many mentions of the other guests on the album, for example, did you? That’s because, unlike Warning and 40 Watt Sun, they actually sell LESS (if any) copies than Kimi, and therefore do not qualify as platforms in Dr. Kärki’s cunning marketing plan…

Rumours that the japanese pressing (ho! ho!) of the album will include a cover of “With a Little Help from my Friends” have not been confirmed as of going to press…

Advertisements
Image

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

We continue our lazy summer reporting with more stellar tidings from the Kimi Kärki camp. “The artist formerly known as Peter Vicar” (more on that later) has recently moved, again, from one country where he did not approve of the political leadership, to another country where he does not approve of the political leadership. Pff, cultural historians are so hard to please, politically… Why doesn’t he move to sunny Chile?

In between packing and unpacking (“Unsold copies of “The Bone of my Bones”, check. Unsold copies of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh”, check. Where are my Looney Tunes socks, Myharit?”), Kimi has managed to re-establish himself as a master of marketing, while letting potential buyers know about his upcoming plinkety plonk, “Eye for an eye”…

Rule 1 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Ensure all former fans are aware that you don’t need a mask anymore:

 

Subrule 1.2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Post on your former band’s page, the one where you needed the mask, to ensure higher visibility. Let’s face it, none of your other pages have as many likes or followers.

Rule 2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Even though your promo blurb already includes the info, post a comment to your own post, to highlight the fact that you have managed to cajole someone with a good voice, singing ability and who actually sells records, to appear on your meagre offering:

 

Rule 3 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Open pre-orders. This way, if your album turns out to be faulty like the last one, idiots will have already bought it by the time they know about it. Be cunning, shift units!

 

A few days later, The artist formerly known as Tamara’s best bud published a promo video for the album:

In addition to Kimi’s squinting face, you’ll notice that the video track is slightly out of sync from the audio on the several instances when The artist formerly known as Alpha Male of the Internets recites the lyrics to the camera.

You would have thought that a cultural historian with a PhD., who managed to get funding to go abroad for six months on someone else’s dime, would somehow realize that, if you add a 3-second title card to the video, you should move the audio track for the same interval, but, of course, Kimi is not your average educated fella. If he was, and he had the brains to match his ambition, this blog would probably have no reason to exist.

An extra shout-out to his label, Svart Records, who also exhibited vast amounts of professionalism in this instance. There’s a post forthcoming on them, too, but one thing at a time.

Enjoy the video, and don’t mind the sun in Kimi’s eyes. At least he’s facing it for a moment, instead of digging his bloated head in the sand as he’s more known for.

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

Sex Sells !

In another pathetic attempt to shift merch units, Reverend Bizarre enlisted the old trick of getting a girl to wear their wares, show some flesh, and give you the look of true love…

sex sells

So, if you are a pathetic, forever-single fan of Reverend Bizarre, get buying, and no doubt girls will be all over you in no time! Trust us, this shit works!

ps. Wasn’t there a self-proclaimed “feminist” member of Reverend Bizarre, all against the exploitation of women and stuff? We wonder what he does with his royalties from this…

Image

Get some cheap Pussy !

Opium Warlords’ second attempt at making The Emperor’s New Clothes has finally reached its rightful place: the bargain bin. As of March the 4th, it goes on the Svart records website for 5 euros, including postage worldwide…

opium2

http://svartrecords.com/shoppe/svart/1531-opium-warlords-we-meditate-under-the-pussy-in-the-sky-cd.html

Albert will whine and moan about the state of the music industry, but the truth of the matter is this: you can record crap, and you can even get a label to release it, but no one will buy it just because you released a coupla good albums 10 years ago.

Reading the Svart promo blurb, we also have some suggestions to make…

Instead of “FILE UNDER:  Outsider music – avantgarde, psychedelia, surrealism, experimentalism, minimalism, drone, sludge, noise, progressive rock, modern music, heaviness, lightness” try having “File Under: crap we thought idiots would buy because this idiot was in Reverend Bizarre”. Honesty is the best policy.

If you have a fiver to burn, go ahead and buy the album. It can make an excellent beverage coaster, conversation starter at the group therapy sessions, or paperweight. And unless we’re wrong (which we’re not), you will soon be able to fill out your Opium Warlords collection with “Sword” and “Droner” at equally competitive prices. With a genius like this, who needs WalMart?

Get some cheap Pussy !