The Gates of Fail / Pirate of teh Youtoobz !

Just when you thought that thick couldn’t possibly get any thicker, Lord Vicar post a link on their facebook page that no one can access!

le peur

While it is commendable on their part that they decided to allow fans to listen to a song without having to listen to the entire album (as clueless CD buyers have had to discover for themselves), we’re not exactly sure of the thought process behind it, or if there was one at all…

We mean, you couldn’t possibly expect poor Kimi to know which regions he has licensed it to? It’s not like he’s the composer who created this piece of (f)art out of the depths of his (tiny) soul, or anything…

Oh. Wait.

And while the well-intended Vicar found himself drowning in the murky waters of YouTube, one of their more pea-brained dedicated fans declared himself the Errol Flynn of the high digital seas…

under jolly roger

Yep, you read that right. He runs a “Pirate Doom Metal channel”. Let us pause for a bit, as our bellies are hurting.

Wishing to be of assistance, we humbly suggest the two get together to discuss YouTube etiquette before one of them finds himself walking the plank. Yo ho ho.

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love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

She is the quicksand. She grabs men, and drags them down. Men who have been unloved boys, and remain so. She knows what to do. She preys on loneliness. She tells them things that they want to believe, things that no other woman (mother or lover) has told them before… And she gets them to do what she wants them to.

That’s how she got the finnish village idiots to tell their fans to send her their money. That’s how she got them to tell their fans to shut up afterwards. “There is absolutely nothing that can be done.” She read it, smiled, then went back to counting her money.

That money paid for her to go places she would never have dreamt of otherwise. How many of Damian’s schoolmates have visited Europe? That’s how she met the new idiot. He has a boring swedish name, but, when she speaks about him in her native language, she affectionately refers to him as “my European citizenship”. He’ll serve his purpose, too.

He felt intimidated by all the gorgeous women in his country, never got the hang of it, never hacked it. But he fell in love with her part pug/part pig face. She doesn’t make him nervous. He feels safe. He thinks she loves him, too. He wants to defend her. There’s one born every minute.

Happy Valentine’s day, daughters of Eve. Slay those who will let you.

love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

the stench is clear !

Residents of the city of Turku, Finland had a very special reason to rejoice at the turn of the New Year… Local citizen Antti Anttiaki takes up the story: “I woke up one day in early January, to find myself breathing a surprisingly clear and crisp air, unlike what I had known for years… I opened up my window and saw my neighbours at their doors and windows, and on the streets, taking deep breaths, like they never had before. It’s hard to explain, and I know it may sound absurd, but it appears that some source of air pollution was finally removed from our lovely city…”.

In a bizarre twist, air pollution in New York City, the US, hit a reported record high on the very next day… Ronaldo Burgerita, newspaper and hot dog seller (not both at the same time), informs us: “New York has lots of traffic, and one could never claim that the air we’re breathing is clear, but, for a few days in early January, it felt like there was an added layer of turd in the air, particularly around museums and tourist selfie spots…”. Nicholas O’lfactory, NYC Central Park camper, perhaps holds the key to the cross-atlantic mystery: “I have been diagnosed with hyperosmia, which means I have a heightened sense of smell. I used to work as a flower arranger until I slipped on a petunia, hit my head on a bonsai tree and woke up color-blind… Anyway, I was rolling my trolley on the boulevard, when this accented dude in a beanie hat approached me and I almost fainted… It was like he emanated sewage smells the kind of which make the meatpacking district smell like a cherry orchard. Through tears I heard him ask if I wanted to buy a copy of his solo album, “real cheap”, which I politely declined, then he wanted to know where he might find a tittie bar that accepts recyclable vinyl as payment. That’s all I remember, because at that point I fainted. When I came to, all my money was gone and I found a card with “there’s absolutely nothing that can be done” on one side, and “COTD” on the other… I mean, New York is hardly ever unweird, but this was really something for Mulder and Scully!”

The smell disappeared from NYC after a few days. Certain foil-hat wearing conspiracists have already labelled it a black-ops case, where the source of the smell was abducted and taken in a black helicopter to a secret location on the shores of Lake Erie, to be studied, experimented upon and possibly militarized. Could mustard gas have a new competitor?

Back in Finland, the Oracle of the Lohjan Seer of the Whiney Brat foresaw, through his loose-tea leaf-reading technique, that the smell might return “in five moons’ time”. Then he suddenly felt weak, presumably due to his magickal powers being spent, called an ambulance and cancelled all interviews and facebook comments for the foreseeable.

More news on this spectacular phenomenon as we get it.

the stench is clear !