Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

The month of June is upon us, and Kimi is running out of days in this country that welcomed him where things happen that he does not approve of, but is hoping to return to anyway, if some idiot someone funds him for it.

We have to admit that, with Kimi’s departure preparations imminent, a trip to Chile seems unlikely. Guess “justice”, “tooth” and “claw” will have to wait a little more. What’s eternity compared to nine years?

Hoping to help Kim make the most of his tenure stateside, however, we compiled a list or possible destinations, all closer than Santiago, and if Kimi cycles to them he might even lose some of his gut and six extra chins.

Map and compass at the ready, and we begin:

1. Los Angeles, California. The mecca of “style over substance” music, something Kimi is factually familiar with. He can put his bandana back on and roam the streets among like-minded “musicians”. We’d pay good money to see Kimi jam a Mötley Crüe or Ratt tune, if he practiced enough so he has the chops for it.

2. Indianapolis, Indiana. An obvious choice, really, for those of us well-knowledgeable in the memberships of the C.O.T.D., as fellow “true” doom mate Karl Simon resides there. Karl’s unquestioning loyalty to the wrong people is well-documented elsewhere (and we sincerely hope we don’t have to go into detail here as well, in the future), so we won’t mention too many examples, just the one that caught our attention most recently:

always wanted

That’s right, your “mate” has found himself in possession of a large number of CDs he couldn’t sell to the pulp plant, and he has already sent them out to those who -in good faith- paid for them in advance, so what do you do? You say you “always wanted to do a CD like that”.

Then, when your new album is out, just a few weeks later, is it “all one track”, like you “always wanted to do”? NO. IT’S. NOT. Who’s a hypocrite, then?

We can easily picture Kimi and Karl together, on Karl’s porch, holding hands and listening to “New Dork Age” and reminiscing about the good old times when Richard Lionturd told idiots to buy their records and they did…

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A dream destination for many doom fans, this city has given birth to more good Doom bands than the average industrial stinkhole. Perhaps Kimi could attend a few shows and see how it’s done. Or at least steal some ideas for riffs.

As an added bonus, the Pittsburgh poodle is a breed of dog as obedient and reliable as they come, and has been often petted by a renowned Yorkshire gentleman Kimi had previously had affections with. Should the two get together for a drink, we can only imagine the nostalgia in the room.

4. Innsmouth, Massachusetts. A city of great interest to cultural historians, its residents are described as inbred half-humans who engage in underhand practices and dream of world domination. Kimi will fit right in.

Safe journeys, Kimi! May the road take you wherever you’ve always deserved to be.

 

Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

Life has been hard for Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, lately…

The latest opus from his main band, Lord Vicar, originally planned to feature “shorter, punchier songs”, came out on CD as one, long, 41-minute song.

The European tour scheduled for November last year, to support the release, never happened.

The vinyl version of the album, intended to coincide with the tour, has not been seen by anyone anywhere.

His second solo album, “Eye for an eye”, initially listed for release on April 21st, has been “pushed back” to August.

Perhaps worst of all, his ex-bandmate Sami Albert Hynninen, with whom Kimi founded the legendary and prestigious C.O.T.D. / Circle of True Doom, and who claimed that “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing he will ever do!” (fur realz!), now does the monkey dance live on stage with some Psychedelic Disco troupe.

On a more personal level, poor Kim now plays the stranger in a strange land, living all alone in a small flat in Cleveland, Ohio. Without his family and friends, Kimi spends way too much time on the internet, spamming his facebook “friends” with an interminable array of links and articles, informing everyone and anyone with an internet connection of what he approves and what he does not condone. Apparently, he’s severely unhappy with the political situation in the country that welcomed him. Could someone report this to the appropriate authorities, to end Kimi’s plight?

In the meantime, however, there is something YOU, dear readers, could do, to help cheer sad and lonely Kimi up… For he has an intimate concert scheduled for tonight:

This is Kimi’s only gig that we know of, despite him hoping that a US promoter would book Lord Vicar while he’s there…

Please, dear readers, go spend tonight with Kimi! Help him show the US promoters that he can pull a crowd, and put bums on seats. Put a smile on a long-suffering man’s face.

You don’t really need to listen to whatever he’s going to play (judging by what we’ve heard, neither his voice nor guitar playing are of any value, without the aid of studio trickery). Feel free to take your iPods with you, put your earphones in, and play something to your liking. Just nod along whenever he appears to be addressing you, explaining his “craft”. Shake his hand on your way out, and let him know how you enjoyed it. Commend his “versatile playing”. Assure him you’ll buy the album when it’s out (not a legally binding agreement, rest assured). Pat him on the back and tell him he’s an honest and honourable man. Feign interest in his side-career as a “cultural historian”. Smile wide, and make Kimi feel like a King for a Day. He has the Fool for a Lifetime part sorted.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

We would like to apologize for the somewhat long delay since our last post, but we have been researching the influx of graphic designers from impoverished South American countries in Sweden. Purely for academic purposes.

Meanwhile, wonder boy Sami Albert Hynninen released his second (and, by his own word, last) album with finnish behemoths Spiritus Mortis (more on which in a separate post), while the long-awaited vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” (scheduled for last November) has not materialised… Perhaps they’re still looking for a way to press it as a single track? Try 24″ vinyl, boys!

Good things are afoot, as well, with Sami finally reaching the end of the recording for the next Opium “We don’t sell any records so they’re all on sale on the Svart website” Warlords, preparing to tour with SM, and reportedly turning down a job as The Grinch in his hometown, while Kimi “Peter Vicar” Kärki is packing his bags with a view to going where… plenty others have gone before, and follow the historical trail of Christopher Columbus. We’ll have plenty to say for all that too, once we’re done with our mince pies.

For the moment, dear readers, feast yourselves on two recent tidbits who attempt to pull the wool over your eyes and re-write history. Both typical passtimes for ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend.

First, it was Sami who gifted us some wintertime mirth, with a bold statement:

Yes, that’s right, the man who single-handedly delayed Spiritus Mortis’ “The Year is Zero” by a good two years, while he was pursuing his unashamed dreams of pop stardom now claims to “serve the purposes of the band, not the purposes of [himself]”. Righty-o. Ding Dong. Ho Ho Ho.

Feeling the pressure to one-up his (twice) former bandmate on the “not exactly the truth” scales, Lil’ Kim soon followed this up with a quote from a Lard Vicar review, where he’s proclaimed to be “the man behind Reverend Bizarre”. We did our lols here.

the-man-behind-the-curtain

True, he did not say it himself, but by quoting it on his band page, without the necessary (ask Sami) clarifications, he’s perpetuating the lie. A well-known technique for misinformation, previously practiced by a bitter old man from Yorkshire.

And with this, dear readers, we’ll sign off for the year (probably). Happy holidays!

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

Endless November

Not since the crusades have men ventured out on such a noble cause. The 2015 Lord Vicar tour starts today! Round Midnight. In Paris. See what we did there?

Please study their itinerary carefully, and, if they’re playing in, or passing through, your city, we advise you do your bakery shopping as early as possible.

Somewhat spectacularly, they are joined by none other than Lohja bedroom pinup boy, most generous benefactor, eeny wheeny miney mo and blog favourite Sami Albert Hynninen on bass!

Sneaky Peter Vicar has managed to get the other Reverend Bizarre member in his band, too. Machiavelli rubs his hands with glee in the Asphodel Meadows, while Satan, laughing, spreads his wings…

Don Alberto made the announcement on his exquisitely reclusive facebook page, and followed up with at least two more posts, and countless comments afterwards. There’s no denying the boy’s excited.

There has been no official announcement on Lordy Lard’s page, however. Could there be more to that story? What’s with keeping lineup changes under wraps? Are they embarrassed to have a musician of Albert’s calibre and lofty status in the band? Some sad twat posted about it in their official forum, but there’s been no commentary there, either. We’re pretty sure they’ll be posting when the album’s available to buy, though.

Sadly, and according to Sami, they won’t be performing RB tunes on the tour, as Kimi likes to think that their Paris gig sold out because his band is getting bigger and better and that those who bought tickets are going to the gig to see himself, giving those “solos” he recorded by moonlight a go.

Anyway. Have fun if you do attend a gig (we’re not being sarcastic). And buy Albert a drink. Ideally before the show.

Endless November

Lard coming soon to a venue near you !

Among the criticisms most often directed at our humble blog, the one that sticks out is that we feature a lot more posts on Magister Albert than on the other ex-members of Reverend Bozorre… A fair criticism, of course, but we can’t help it if Albert’s footinmouthitis provides us with material a lot more often. Perhaps if Kimi and Jari were more vocal about their political and moral views, we’d have more fodder for our cannons.

Luckily, however, this month we can bring you great tidings from the camp of Lord Vicar, who have often been heralded, by Kimi himself of course, as the “natural successor to Reverend Bizarre” (there’s actually a post on this very subject somewhere in our unpublished archives, but none of our staff can keep from laughing long enough to edit and publish it), as they are going on… drum roll… tour! Yes, tour!

sombrero

Not sure ourselves what Sombreros have to do with doom metal, but let’s stick to the facts: four dates all in all, lest the boys get tired or bored of playing the same generic dross over and over, with the last date taking place at the prestigious “TBA” venue…

While our staff reporters are busy making arrangements for which of these dates they are going to attend, we would like to wish the boys a series of safe journeys, well-portioned meals and steady merch sales (an aspect of touring that’s very close to Kimi’s heart), and suggest that if Kimi and Jussi did the tour on their bikes, this could greatly contribute towards their overall health and well-being. Jus’ sayin’ though, we’re not medical experts.

Lard coming soon to a venue near you !