Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

…as The Artist who “likes to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” (did you notice the ALL CAPS? that’s because he means it!), recently confirmed the end of the laboured process:

 

After over three years of threading the Emperor’s Newer Clothes, The Artist understandably needs to celebrate accordingly and blow off some steam…

And what better way to do so, than to perform at a double-whammy of shows with camp troupe Tähtiportti?

 

Because, you see, some monkeys like to dance under TOTAL CONTROL!

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Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

Sami Albert Hynninen can’t wait to leave Spiritus Mortis.

The good man wants to shed his trad doom skin, so he can concentrate on gifting us more “music” with Tähtiportti. And maybe finish that Opium Warlords album that he’s been making since before we started this blog. Maybe. You can’t rush greatness.

 

Once you’ve had the taste of honey (no, we don’t mean Tamara) in your mouth, it’s easy to forget how you got where you are.

Sami Albert Hynninen can’t wait to leave Spiritus Mortis.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

Life has been hard for Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, lately…

The latest opus from his main band, Lord Vicar, originally planned to feature “shorter, punchier songs”, came out on CD as one, long, 41-minute song.

The European tour scheduled for November last year, to support the release, never happened.

The vinyl version of the album, intended to coincide with the tour, has not been seen by anyone anywhere.

His second solo album, “Eye for an eye”, initially listed for release on April 21st, has been “pushed back” to August.

Perhaps worst of all, his ex-bandmate Sami Albert Hynninen, with whom Kimi founded the legendary and prestigious C.O.T.D. / Circle of True Doom, and who claimed that “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing he will ever do!” (fur realz!), now does the monkey dance live on stage with some Psychedelic Disco troupe.

On a more personal level, poor Kim now plays the stranger in a strange land, living all alone in a small flat in Cleveland, Ohio. Without his family and friends, Kimi spends way too much time on the internet, spamming his facebook “friends” with an interminable array of links and articles, informing everyone and anyone with an internet connection of what he approves and what he does not condone. Apparently, he’s severely unhappy with the political situation in the country that welcomed him. Could someone report this to the appropriate authorities, to end Kimi’s plight?

In the meantime, however, there is something YOU, dear readers, could do, to help cheer sad and lonely Kimi up… For he has an intimate concert scheduled for tonight:

This is Kimi’s only gig that we know of, despite him hoping that a US promoter would book Lord Vicar while he’s there…

Please, dear readers, go spend tonight with Kimi! Help him show the US promoters that he can pull a crowd, and put bums on seats. Put a smile on a long-suffering man’s face.

You don’t really need to listen to whatever he’s going to play (judging by what we’ve heard, neither his voice nor guitar playing are of any value, without the aid of studio trickery). Feel free to take your iPods with you, put your earphones in, and play something to your liking. Just nod along whenever he appears to be addressing you, explaining his “craft”. Shake his hand on your way out, and let him know how you enjoyed it. Commend his “versatile playing”. Assure him you’ll buy the album when it’s out (not a legally binding agreement, rest assured). Pat him on the back and tell him he’s an honest and honourable man. Feign interest in his side-career as a “cultural historian”. Smile wide, and make Kimi feel like a King for a Day. He has the Fool for a Lifetime part sorted.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

the curse of Magick with Tears

In a bizarre (but probably planned) twist, two albums by ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend were both scheduled for release on April 21st… Kimi Kärki’s “Eye for an Eye”, and Tähtiportti‘s “Superdepressio” 12″ LP , both on Svart Records. Perhaps they were hoping to do a “buy one get one free” deal?

Yet the date kept getting closer, and there were no details, no artwork revealed, no pre-orders, naught.

It eventually emerged that Kimi’s second solo album was “pushed back to August 18”, while Tähtiportti‘s might have come out last week. We don’t know, as they are not sure, either:

Which led us to wonder… Could the shroud of Reverend Bizarre’s penultimate release, “Magick with Tears”, be weighing over them still, getting their newer efforts “delayed”?

Allow us to remind you that the last Lord Vicar was also “delayed” (a story in itself, which you can read elsewhere in this blog), and, when it finally came out, the “delay” was comparatively a minor problem. Ditto with its vinyl release, originally announced for November last year, and still “forthcoming” six months later…

Opium Warlords’ “Droner” is also stuck in a rut somewhere, as Sami keeps adding/removing/editing stuff on it (a process known to the recording cognoscenti as “farting on microphones”), no release on the horizon. Not that we need a copy of it anytime soon or anything.

But could we be forgiven for spotting the pattern here? Magick with Tears’ 10th anniversary is approaching, with no justice of any kind for the ripped-off fans, while those who benefited from the scam (or, shall we say, “long con”?) are still enjoying the fruits of their deception, some of them a little closer geographically now than then…

the curse of Magick with Tears

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

We would like to apologize for the somewhat long delay since our last post, but we have been researching the influx of graphic designers from impoverished South American countries in Sweden. Purely for academic purposes.

Meanwhile, wonder boy Sami Albert Hynninen released his second (and, by his own word, last) album with finnish behemoths Spiritus Mortis (more on which in a separate post), while the long-awaited vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” (scheduled for last November) has not materialised… Perhaps they’re still looking for a way to press it as a single track? Try 24″ vinyl, boys!

Good things are afoot, as well, with Sami finally reaching the end of the recording for the next Opium “We don’t sell any records so they’re all on sale on the Svart website” Warlords, preparing to tour with SM, and reportedly turning down a job as The Grinch in his hometown, while Kimi “Peter Vicar” Kärki is packing his bags with a view to going where… plenty others have gone before, and follow the historical trail of Christopher Columbus. We’ll have plenty to say for all that too, once we’re done with our mince pies.

For the moment, dear readers, feast yourselves on two recent tidbits who attempt to pull the wool over your eyes and re-write history. Both typical passtimes for ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend.

First, it was Sami who gifted us some wintertime mirth, with a bold statement:

Yes, that’s right, the man who single-handedly delayed Spiritus Mortis’ “The Year is Zero” by a good two years, while he was pursuing his unashamed dreams of pop stardom now claims to “serve the purposes of the band, not the purposes of [himself]”. Righty-o. Ding Dong. Ho Ho Ho.

Feeling the pressure to one-up his (twice) former bandmate on the “not exactly the truth” scales, Lil’ Kim soon followed this up with a quote from a Lard Vicar review, where he’s proclaimed to be “the man behind Reverend Bizarre”. We did our lols here.

the-man-behind-the-curtain

True, he did not say it himself, but by quoting it on his band page, without the necessary (ask Sami) clarifications, he’s perpetuating the lie. A well-known technique for misinformation, previously practiced by a bitter old man from Yorkshire.

And with this, dear readers, we’ll sign off for the year (probably). Happy holidays!

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

The time of one hit wonders is certainly not over !

Finnish wonder nerds Tähtiportti released a new album and video this month. While we left the full album listening session for some other, insomnia-ridden, time, we could not possibly pass on the opportunity to watch the video.

True to form, and to their higher art, the video throws together as many images as you could possibly get by googling “symbols”, in an effort to visualize the personality of Sami Hynninen, who would casually drop as many occult references, as wishful support to his enlightenment claims… Our heads literally hurt with the attempt to decode all its rich imagery… Is that the head of Mickey Mouse, or the three organic, wholemeal bread rolls that Sami had for breakfast? Was that a pyramid with the eye of the illuminati, or the constipation treatment he had to imbibe afterwards? The questions are simply too profound for our common minds…

If you like riddles, you can watch the video here:

And if you’ve got money to burn, a hearty dose of enlightenment goes for a measly 6 euros (:less than a Hesburger happy meal), over ‘ere:

https://tahtiportti.bandcamp.com/album/eetterimessu

According to the Svart press release, Tähtiportti are “a veritable who’s who of the Finnish left=field music scene”, who kindly request you “open your bowels” and “let the stream flow”. A refreshing change from the more commonplace artists who create behind closed doors, this is an insightful admission of the Tähtiportti creative process.

Finally, and for some veritable eye candy, feast your eyes on this promo pic:

Kun musta lyijypeite valahtaa hartioilta

The guy on the far right (no pun intended) used to be in a C.O.T.D. band, you know. And he’s currently in another. Please stop smirking.

The time of one hit wonders is certainly not over !

It’s still not the end of the world as we know it!

Whoa, what a week! Not only the world did not end on tuesday, despite Albert Witchfinder’s hopes, fears and repeatedly strictly accurate predictions, but also Sami Hynninen hit the four decades mark, as of yesterday…

Sami has accomplished much during his time on this earth, certainly far more than other men twice his age (and half his size), and today he looks to the future with renewed enthusiasm and joie de vivre, new-found maturity and a certain sense of understanding.

Yeah, right. Who are we kidding? He just booked himself a weekend in the UK for easter…

Nevertheless, thanks to the magic of the internet, our associates have access to exclusive Sami Albert photos, with which they worked hard to put together a possible timeline for Sami Albert’s birthday celebrations. ‘Ere we go:

Dawn found him refreshed, in his custom bed linen and beauty mask…

bedtime

He quickly jumped out of bed to enjoy a nutritious breakfast in his space shuttle-themed dining room…

frokost

On with the day’s events! First things first, the garden decorations need to be approved. Even if it’s your birthday…

a garden party

Soon afterwards, a welcome reunion with old friends, who sure bear a certain likeness to ex-members of Reverend Bizarre…

bizarre reunion

And finally wrapping up the celebrations in the strip joint where Tamara works…

panic at the disco

Happy birthday, Sami. Hope you had a great day. Needless to say, we do wish you all the best! 🙂

It’s still not the end of the world as we know it!