The Springtime crusades of true doom!

Lord Vicar are about to embark on another world domination tour, starting right at the end of this week,  and heralding the passage of Spring and the arrival of magpies, Kimi’s favourite bird. The tour is scheduled to coincide with the release date of their latest collection of Sabbath covers, “The Black Powder”.

Still skipping basse classe venues and festivals like the Royal Albert Hall, Madison Square Gardens and Wacken, frequented by bands of a lower artistic stature, and opting for toilets that can guarantee Chritus’ required alcoholic requirements instead, the trek undertaken by those four gentlemen is advertised as follows:

Rotting all over the world

Being long-time and dedicated Lord Vicar fans, we hope the band delight their fans by performing their 41-minute song “Gates of Flesh” in its entirety, giving the audience the chance to enjoy a special concert as a continuous journey, not track here, track there. This is the way true art is to be experienced, and it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. We’ll just close our eyes, and then, afterwards, form an orderly queue at the merchandising stand.

For added artistic pleasure and enjoyment, wouldn’t it be great if Albert Witchfinder joined them on stage for “Woman out of snow”, re-enacting that infamous encounter he had with such a woman?

And why not also invite Tamara, Kimi’s favourite friend, business partner and muse, to engage in the ritual dance otherwise known as “Pole for money”?

There’s so much potential to make this tour a truly memorable one, for everyone involved, we just hope Kimi and his bandmates relish this opportunity, and do not just perform another set of shorter, punchier songs…

See you on the road, Kim! We have pre-ordered tickets for every single show from Talewynn Booking, so you can be assured we will be there, every single night…

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The Springtime crusades of true doom!

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

We received this email today, which we publish in full:

“Notoriously reclusive artist Sami Albert Hynninen aka Albert Witchfinder has announced a “Storytellers”-type tour for late 2018. The tour will span seven months and cover all five continents.

For this very special tour, Sami Albert will be performing fan favourites from ALL his past bands, preceding each one with a story which will give fans a greater understanding and appreciation of his ART. Reverend Bizarre, KLV, March 15, The Candles Burning Blue, The Puritan, Vironsusi, Armanenschaft, Tähtiportti, Spiritus Mortis, Azrael Rising, Opium Warlords, Punisment, Tamarascunt and Werwolf Lodge will all feature in the setlist, with at least three songs each, in the five-hour-plus emotional extravaganza. 

In addition, multi-instrumentalist Sami Albert will eschew conventional instruments like guitar and bass for this tour, performing instead on wurlitzer, glockenspiel, recorder, viola da gamba, oud and bell ends instead.

The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:

The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:

“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”

“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”

Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”

Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.

Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”

We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…

 

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19