The Springtime crusades of true doom!

Lord Vicar are about to embark on another world domination tour, starting right at the end of this week,  and heralding the passage of Spring and the arrival of magpies, Kimi’s favourite bird. The tour is scheduled to coincide with the release date of their latest collection of Sabbath covers, “The Black Powder”.

Still skipping basse classe venues and festivals like the Royal Albert Hall, Madison Square Gardens and Wacken, frequented by bands of a lower artistic stature, and opting for toilets that can guarantee Chritus’ required alcoholic requirements instead, the trek undertaken by those four gentlemen is advertised as follows:

Rotting all over the world

Being long-time and dedicated Lord Vicar fans, we hope the band delight their fans by performing their 41-minute song “Gates of Flesh” in its entirety, giving the audience the chance to enjoy a special concert as a continuous journey, not track here, track there. This is the way true art is to be experienced, and it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. We’ll just close our eyes, and then, afterwards, form an orderly queue at the merchandising stand.

For added artistic pleasure and enjoyment, wouldn’t it be great if Albert Witchfinder joined them on stage for “Woman out of snow”, re-enacting that infamous encounter he had with such a woman?

And why not also invite Tamara, Kimi’s favourite friend, business partner and muse, to engage in the ritual dance otherwise known as “Pole for money”?

There’s so much potential to make this tour a truly memorable one, for everyone involved, we just hope Kimi and his bandmates relish this opportunity, and do not just perform another set of shorter, punchier songs…

See you on the road, Kim! We have pre-ordered tickets for every single show from Talewynn Booking, so you can be assured we will be there, every single night…

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The Springtime crusades of true doom!

Sami Albert “Witchfinder” Hynninen turns 43 today!

We can picture him looking all jovial over his birthday cake, like this:

party shoes

We’d say something like “One year wiser!”, but we’re not mean…

Happy Birthday, Sam! May all your bargain bin records find a loving home today…

 

Sami Albert “Witchfinder” Hynninen turns 43 today!

a gentleman’s agreement

Hi Ol, the drummer and I have a new album ready to record, we need money for the studio.

The drummer and you? What happened to the other two?

Nothing happened. They just don’t count. The one’s a drunk, the other’s an idiot. The drummer and I make the albums, the other two just tag along. So, how soon can you give us the cash?

There’s no cash. I made no money from your last record. I actually lost a lot.

And whose fault is that, you illiterate idiot?

Not mine. The factory spoke the colonialist language of the layman instead of the superior aryan one.

You didn’t add the index numbers, you dumb prat.

As I said, not my fault. There’s no money for another record.

Guess I’ll have to call The Miskatonic Foundation then…

Ok, there might be a way to make back the money I lost on YOUR faulty CDs.

What’s that?

You give me two albums of your previous band to re-release, I make some sweet dough, there might be some for you.

Are you nuts? I don’t own the rights to those.

Who does?

The label.

We’ll ask the label, then.

No, you have to ask the emo kid first. He has to give permission.

I don’t want to deal with the emo kid.

Well, that’s the way it has to be.

Ok, I ask the emo kid.

And what if he says no?

I do it anyway.

He’ll go nuts.

He can cry all night if he wants to.

We won’t hear the end of it.

That mexican woman got him to do worse.

She’s not mexican. And she had a powerful weapon that we don’t.

What weapon?

That grande panocha was really grande.

You may not have a panocha, but you are one.

You are a panocha too.

At least I’m a panocha who loves money.

No one loves money more than I do!

Really? Guess who already contacted the label and got the rights for those two albums…

Seriously? We’re in deep shit.

No shit. You’ll pretend you didn’t know either. Then you’ll handle it publicly, on facebook. Tell him some crap about getting over it and learning from it and focusing on something positive.

He’s a cry baby.

Well, let him cry.

I’m not sure about this.

Well, I lost money on your last album, so I’m doing it anyway. It’s just a case of whether you help me, and then I might help you. Make another album, that is.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes. Just don’t announce the CDs until they’re out and he can’t stop it.

Deal. Now tell me, was that brazilian woman’s panocha so powerful?

He used to walk around with her panties in his pocket, to sniff at if he felt lonely, or got a panic attack. The stench would clear any confined space he walked into. He was banned from shopping malls and shops and rode the bus alone, with the bus driver cursing at him. Does that give you an idea?

Oh my. Such potential. Do you think she might be interested in joining my label?  As an A&R rep or something prestigious like that?

F off, Oli.

Bye, Kim. Feel free to call back when you want money for the studio, you fat twat. Ha ha.

*line dies

a gentleman’s agreement

more Sami gold !

Once again, we were sent a link to a post by our favourite artist, Sami Albert of Witchfinder, but this time, dear readers, we struggled to make sense of it…

We even consulted specialists fluent in the Samialvertian tongue, like Pedro Dumbfak and Ville Morono, but they also declared themselves at a loss…

Therefore, we announce our annual pre-Christmas competition! Send us your interpretations of Sami’s wisdom as presented in the above post and the best one will win our very own Die-Hard copy of “Magick with Tears”, including a photo album of Tam’s vadge, pair of soiled knickers and XL pantyhose, the very same items that snared a lonely boy from Finland so long ago, and got him to do unspeakable deeds at the promise of punanny action…

Image

Pussy galore !

Not content with the money he’s raking in from half-price Opium Warlords albums and Reverend Bizarre “slightly improved” reissues, fantastic wizard Sami Albert Hynninen has founded a new band, named after the only thing he has ever loved (besides money and pi**ing on his fans)…

 

True to his artistic vision, his new band’s first release, a song under three minutes in length, was made available to his loyal fanbase for a measly 69 euros… Not even 70! And still cheaper than Magick With Tears!

Although, to be fair, the website does give you the option to pay “more”… Which you should!

You are not a real Sami Albert fan unless you cough up! I mean, where else can you purchase True Art lovingly created under TOTAL CONTROL!?

On a sidenote, does anyone know where we can buy one of those t-shirts with Sami’s “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing I will ever do?” slogan? We need like a dozen for a party we’re organizing…

Pussy galore !

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

We received this email today, which we publish in full:

“Notoriously reclusive artist Sami Albert Hynninen aka Albert Witchfinder has announced a “Storytellers”-type tour for late 2018. The tour will span seven months and cover all five continents.

For this very special tour, Sami Albert will be performing fan favourites from ALL his past bands, preceding each one with a story which will give fans a greater understanding and appreciation of his ART. Reverend Bizarre, KLV, March 15, The Candles Burning Blue, The Puritan, Vironsusi, Armanenschaft, Tähtiportti, Spiritus Mortis, Azrael Rising, Opium Warlords, Punisment, Tamarascunt and Werwolf Lodge will all feature in the setlist, with at least three songs each, in the five-hour-plus emotional extravaganza. 

In addition, multi-instrumentalist Sami Albert will eschew conventional instruments like guitar and bass for this tour, performing instead on wurlitzer, glockenspiel, recorder, viola da gamba, oud and bell ends instead.

The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:

The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:

“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”

“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”

Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”

Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.

Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”

We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…

 

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

things are looking up for lord vicar !

Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.

These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.

Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.

While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:

“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland

“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia

“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]

“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK

“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile

The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!

things are looking up for lord vicar !