Burger boi has starry eyes!

Word reaches us that world renowned anti-corporations activist and recluse Sami Albert Hynninen has gone and done the unthinkable:

To begin with, we honestly don’t know which surprises us most: Doom Gloom Meister Albert Witchfinder in a franchise fast food joint, or that somehow Kimi Kärki was not around to grab the burger and run with it…

But then he starts relating the story about unexpectedly seeing this childhood hero of his, and we honestly got tears in our eyes…

We cried a bit more while he revealed how he did not dare approach his idol:

 

That must also be why Sami has not spoken to Pato of Tyrannus and Emissary Records, either… He feels such respect for the man who tricked him into getting his fans ripped off that poor, poor Albert feels intimidated. We’ll buy him a big red balloon and an ice cream cone next time we see him in an amusement park, looking all shy and running after members of Stam1na so he can post about them on his facebook…

This might be a photo of Sami on the day, sipping a beer to cool down his obvious excitement:

Beads of sweat are visible on his forehead, either from the emotional impact, or from stuffing his mouth with the entire contents of a Hesburger family meal. We’re not sure…

Hope you’re having a great summer, Sami! Try McDonalds next time, as a way to demonstrate your dislike for fast food franchises… Who knows which childhood hero of yours might be hanging out outside…

Burger boi has starry eyes!

A cure for insomnia

It’s not uncommon to find oneself unable to sleep this summer… The heat, the mosquitos, the excitement and anticipation for the release of Opium Warlords’ Droner may all keep one from shutting those eyelids and laying one’s head to rest…

Yet one should not have to endure their day sleep-deprived in these demanding and stressful times.

But fear not, dear readers, for scientists have pinpointed the new weapon in Morpheus’ arsenal that will get you snoring in no time!

Simply click “play” on this video, and let the blandness work its magic:

Sweet dreams!

A cure for insomnia

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

…as The Artist who “likes to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” (did you notice the ALL CAPS? that’s because he means it!), recently confirmed the end of the laboured process:

 

After over three years of threading the Emperor’s Newer Clothes, The Artist understandably needs to celebrate accordingly and blow off some steam…

And what better way to do so, than to perform at a double-whammy of shows with camp troupe Tähtiportti?

 

Because, you see, some monkeys like to dance under TOTAL CONTROL!

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

The entire recorded output of Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, aka Red-Rooster-holder, was released today on a single disc, as a single track.

Momentous leaps in technology achieved by Turku-based IT giant CoproTech made it possible to fit each and every song Kimi every recorded on a single disc, with no index numbers, which went on sale today as part of Sfart Records’ The Easter Bunny Presents budget-priced music collection.

Fans will be able to stick the CD in their player, lie back and enjoy Peter’s evolution as composer, singer and guitar player in an endless mind-bending journey…

According to the artist’s own press release, “What this means is that these albums have to be listened as a continuous journey, not album here, album there. This is at least the way I prefer it to be experienced, and as the discography takes only a bit more than a few days to listen, it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and try not to doze off!!!”

This special release is sadly not available on itunes.

EDIT, April 3rd 2017: This post was our feeble attempt at an April Fools. Obviously, if such technology existed, it would have been adopted by artists who actually shift units, not an ex-member of Reverend Bizarre. Our apologies to those who manifestly got excited in the comments section.

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

Soon Be Here, Prince of Fap.

The multitudes of fans, well-wishers, admirers and yes-men friends who have flocked to the Opium Warlords facebook page today, to wish a Happy Birthday to Grand Magister Sami Albert Hynninen were faced with a devastating lack of posts in eleven days… A highly unnerving concurrence for a serial facebook-poster like our Sami.

Those of us who have followed his work (and f***-ups) while Reverend Bizarre were actually active (the minority, then) have an additional reason to worry, knowing the significance of the date of three days ago, March 15th, for Albert. Could something bad have happened?

We posed this question in the unofficial Reverend Bizarre forum (which, unlike the official one, is actually quite active), and a user who asked to remain anonymous related a tale involving Albert and several girls in the aftershow party of the most recent Spiritus Mortis gig in Tampere, FI, this last weekend. We say “aftershow party”, but we actually mean “the time when Sami was sitting on his ass, looking dapper and dandy while his bandmates were slaving away, packing up”… Could Sami be still handcuffed to the bedpost of a female fan in picturesque Tampere, and used as a pleasure slave?

We’ll toast to that. Happy Birthday, Sami, wherever you are!

EDIT: Sami finally surfaced in the late afternoon, to post a SM gig review. oof. All is well, then. No sex was harmed in the making of this absence from facebook.

Soon Be Here, Prince of Fap.

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

We would like to apologize for the somewhat long delay since our last post, but we have been researching the influx of graphic designers from impoverished South American countries in Sweden. Purely for academic purposes.

Meanwhile, wonder boy Sami Albert Hynninen released his second (and, by his own word, last) album with finnish behemoths Spiritus Mortis (more on which in a separate post), while the long-awaited vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” (scheduled for last November) has not materialised… Perhaps they’re still looking for a way to press it as a single track? Try 24″ vinyl, boys!

Good things are afoot, as well, with Sami finally reaching the end of the recording for the next Opium “We don’t sell any records so they’re all on sale on the Svart website” Warlords, preparing to tour with SM, and reportedly turning down a job as The Grinch in his hometown, while Kimi “Peter Vicar” Kärki is packing his bags with a view to going where… plenty others have gone before, and follow the historical trail of Christopher Columbus. We’ll have plenty to say for all that too, once we’re done with our mince pies.

For the moment, dear readers, feast yourselves on two recent tidbits who attempt to pull the wool over your eyes and re-write history. Both typical passtimes for ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend.

First, it was Sami who gifted us some wintertime mirth, with a bold statement:

Yes, that’s right, the man who single-handedly delayed Spiritus Mortis’ “The Year is Zero” by a good two years, while he was pursuing his unashamed dreams of pop stardom now claims to “serve the purposes of the band, not the purposes of [himself]”. Righty-o. Ding Dong. Ho Ho Ho.

Feeling the pressure to one-up his (twice) former bandmate on the “not exactly the truth” scales, Lil’ Kim soon followed this up with a quote from a Lard Vicar review, where he’s proclaimed to be “the man behind Reverend Bizarre”. We did our lols here.

the-man-behind-the-curtain

True, he did not say it himself, but by quoting it on his band page, without the necessary (ask Sami) clarifications, he’s perpetuating the lie. A well-known technique for misinformation, previously practiced by a bitter old man from Yorkshire.

And with this, dear readers, we’ll sign off for the year (probably). Happy holidays!

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

In the Rectory of the Bizarre Unicorn

Jari Pohjonen, formerly also known as Earl of Void, i.e. the drummer in most of Reverend Bizarre’s recorded output (but not a founding member), celebrated his 40th earlier this month, which must be big news, as Peter Vicar interrupted the steady stream of “check out how great they say my new Lard Vicar album is” posts on Reverend Bizarre’s facebook page to let us know about it.

We have a bit more respect for Jari than we do for the other two members of Reverend Bizarre’s last active line-up (which is not saying much really, as the respect we have for those two is nil), so we’ll simply repost the published photos from the event and let you enjoy them, perchance also to draw your own conclusions…

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Kimi Kärki took some valuable time out from trying to explain to reluctant buyers of his new platter that “there is absolutely nothing that can be done” about the disc’s eccentricities (noted in our previous post), to perform some songs and air his feet in some delectably classy sandals…

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We’re not sure what exactly is happening in this photo, but we assume the technician (the less portly man, on the right) is applying autotune to Kimi’s vocals in an attempt to keep the guests from leaving early…

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Possible set inclusions: “By this Tiara I rule”, “The March of the War Unicorns”, “How to burn a CD with no track index”, “Beware of the man with two sandals”.

Happy belated birthday, Jari! 🙂 we mean it…

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