The Springtime crusades of true doom!

Lord Vicar are about to embark on another world domination tour, starting right at the end of this week,  and heralding the passage of Spring and the arrival of magpies, Kimi’s favourite bird. The tour is scheduled to coincide with the release date of their latest collection of Sabbath covers, “The Black Powder”.

Still skipping basse classe venues and festivals like the Royal Albert Hall, Madison Square Gardens and Wacken, frequented by bands of a lower artistic stature, and opting for toilets that can guarantee Chritus’ required alcoholic requirements instead, the trek undertaken by those four gentlemen is advertised as follows:

Rotting all over the world

Being long-time and dedicated Lord Vicar fans, we hope the band delight their fans by performing their 41-minute song “Gates of Flesh” in its entirety, giving the audience the chance to enjoy a special concert as a continuous journey, not track here, track there. This is the way true art is to be experienced, and it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. We’ll just close our eyes, and then, afterwards, form an orderly queue at the merchandising stand.

For added artistic pleasure and enjoyment, wouldn’t it be great if Albert Witchfinder joined them on stage for “Woman out of snow”, re-enacting that infamous encounter he had with such a woman?

And why not also invite Tamara, Kimi’s favourite friend, business partner and muse, to engage in the ritual dance otherwise known as “Pole for money”?

There’s so much potential to make this tour a truly memorable one, for everyone involved, we just hope Kimi and his bandmates relish this opportunity, and do not just perform another set of shorter, punchier songs…

See you on the road, Kim! We have pre-ordered tickets for every single show from Talewynn Booking, so you can be assured we will be there, every single night…

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The Springtime crusades of true doom!

things are looking up for lord vicar !

Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.

These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.

Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.

While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:

“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland

“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia

“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]

“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK

“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile

The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!

things are looking up for lord vicar !