Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Apologies for the slight delay since our last post, dear readers, but those of us who don’t mind going to the beach often find our priorities shifted and our time consumed easily.

Unlike blog sweetheart Sami Albert Hynninen, for example, who is busy planning the mixing sessions for Opium Warlords’ “Droner”, an album three years in the making…

That long gestation period places it in a contest with that other special release by Alberto’s former best mate Dicky Tosser from Yorkshire, who is also working on an album for a few years now (it sez here!), and of course Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” vinyl version, which has been foretold of for over a year now and still hasn’t materialised… Let’s see who wins the golden trophy among our noble competitors. Our money is on Kimi, seeing as he’s slimey and quick despite his considerable size.

Besides his hard work on “Droner”, Sami also found time to oversee a hand-bound reprint of “Tabula Obscura”, a comic book he co-authored with some other guys:

 

Priced at just 90 euros plus postage (which should be hefty in itself, judging by the book’s size and paper quality), it’s a veritable steal for punters, Reverend Bizarre fans with more money than sense, and those of you looking for tinder paper for your Summer Solstice (today, yo!) bonfire…

It’s unverified, but we have received reports that the impressive volume is lovingly hand-bound and shipped by Tamara and Pato, Sami’s best friends and business associates.

Please, place an order, dear readers, and be part of Sami’s “Get Rich Quick” scheme!

You can be assured of the quality of the book, because Sami Albert likes to maintain TOTAL CONTROL over whatever he pushes for you to buy:

 

Something that has worked well for Sami so far, except for that Reverend Bizarre “Magick with Tears” 2LP, the KLV “Niin Musta on Maa” compilation, the March 15th “Our Love Becomes a Funeral Pyre” EP… You sort of see where we’re getting at. So. TOTAL CONTROL. In ALL CAPS, to ensure you believe it.

Reserve your copy of this TOTALLy CONTROLLed Collector’s Item today, so Sami can think about maybe going to the beach after all. The one in Lohja, beside the dumpster and the drunk hipsters.

More news on ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend coming soon, we promise, as all camps have been busy and we are delighted to report on such splendid folk!

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

The month of June is upon us, and Kimi is running out of days in this country that welcomed him where things happen that he does not approve of, but is hoping to return to anyway, if some idiot someone funds him for it.

We have to admit that, with Kimi’s departure preparations imminent, a trip to Chile seems unlikely. Guess “justice”, “tooth” and “claw” will have to wait a little more. What’s eternity compared to nine years?

Hoping to help Kim make the most of his tenure stateside, however, we compiled a list or possible destinations, all closer than Santiago, and if Kimi cycles to them he might even lose some of his gut and six extra chins.

Map and compass at the ready, and we begin:

1. Los Angeles, California. The mecca of “style over substance” music, something Kimi is factually familiar with. He can put his bandana back on and roam the streets among like-minded “musicians”. We’d pay good money to see Kimi jam a Mötley Crüe or Ratt tune, if he practiced enough so he has the chops for it.

2. Indianapolis, Indiana. An obvious choice, really, for those of us well-knowledgeable in the memberships of the C.O.T.D., as fellow “true” doom mate Karl Simon resides there. Karl’s unquestioning loyalty to the wrong people is well-documented elsewhere (and we sincerely hope we don’t have to go into detail here as well, in the future), so we won’t mention too many examples, just the one that caught our attention most recently:

always wanted

That’s right, your “mate” has found himself in possession of a large number of CDs he couldn’t sell to the pulp plant, and he has already sent them out to those who -in good faith- paid for them in advance, so what do you do? You say you “always wanted to do a CD like that”.

Then, when your new album is out, just a few weeks later, is it “all one track”, like you “always wanted to do”? NO. IT’S. NOT. Who’s a hypocrite, then?

We can easily picture Kimi and Karl together, on Karl’s porch, holding hands and listening to “New Dork Age” and reminiscing about the good old times when Richard Lionturd told idiots to buy their records and they did…

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A dream destination for many doom fans, this city has given birth to more good Doom bands than the average industrial stinkhole. Perhaps Kimi could attend a few shows and see how it’s done. Or at least steal some ideas for riffs.

As an added bonus, the Pittsburgh poodle is a breed of dog as obedient and reliable as they come, and has been often petted by a renowned Yorkshire gentleman Kimi had previously had affections with. Should the two get together for a drink, we can only imagine the nostalgia in the room.

4. Innsmouth, Massachusetts. A city of great interest to cultural historians, its residents are described as inbred half-humans who engage in underhand practices and dream of world domination. Kimi will fit right in.

Safe journeys, Kimi! May the road take you wherever you’ve always deserved to be.

 

Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

Kimi Kärki fails to make the “20 Best Finnish Prog Bands”

Another grand failure for much maligned Kim, whose life goes from bad to worse recently, as Prog Sphere published their list of the Best Finnish Prog Bands, and none of his “projects” get a mention in it:

http://www.prog-sphere.com/specials/20-best-finnish-prog-bands/

While the list appears well-researched, and features both established artists and some lesser-known bands, there’s no whiff of King Crimson rip-off Orne, or that other one where he’s noodling with his guitar pedals, with the bizarre name, what was it? Emo Sick Group Lax Ative? or something like that… Who cares anyway? Not in. As in NOT IN.

On the other hand, if Fail Sphere did a piece on the “20 Best Finnish Bozos”, we’re confident at least two of the Reverend Bizarre bizarros would get good positions.

Kimi Kärki fails to make the “20 Best Finnish Prog Bands”

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

Life has been hard for Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, lately…

The latest opus from his main band, Lord Vicar, originally planned to feature “shorter, punchier songs”, came out on CD as one, long, 41-minute song.

The European tour scheduled for November last year, to support the release, never happened.

The vinyl version of the album, intended to coincide with the tour, has not been seen by anyone anywhere.

His second solo album, “Eye for an eye”, initially listed for release on April 21st, has been “pushed back” to August.

Perhaps worst of all, his ex-bandmate Sami Albert Hynninen, with whom Kimi founded the legendary and prestigious C.O.T.D. / Circle of True Doom, and who claimed that “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing he will ever do!” (fur realz!), now does the monkey dance live on stage with some Psychedelic Disco troupe.

On a more personal level, poor Kim now plays the stranger in a strange land, living all alone in a small flat in Cleveland, Ohio. Without his family and friends, Kimi spends way too much time on the internet, spamming his facebook “friends” with an interminable array of links and articles, informing everyone and anyone with an internet connection of what he approves and what he does not condone. Apparently, he’s severely unhappy with the political situation in the country that welcomed him. Could someone report this to the appropriate authorities, to end Kimi’s plight?

In the meantime, however, there is something YOU, dear readers, could do, to help cheer sad and lonely Kimi up… For he has an intimate concert scheduled for tonight:

This is Kimi’s only gig that we know of, despite him hoping that a US promoter would book Lord Vicar while he’s there…

Please, dear readers, go spend tonight with Kimi! Help him show the US promoters that he can pull a crowd, and put bums on seats. Put a smile on a long-suffering man’s face.

You don’t really need to listen to whatever he’s going to play (judging by what we’ve heard, neither his voice nor guitar playing are of any value, without the aid of studio trickery). Feel free to take your iPods with you, put your earphones in, and play something to your liking. Just nod along whenever he appears to be addressing you, explaining his “craft”. Shake his hand on your way out, and let him know how you enjoyed it. Commend his “versatile playing”. Assure him you’ll buy the album when it’s out (not a legally binding agreement, rest assured). Pat him on the back and tell him he’s an honest and honourable man. Feign interest in his side-career as a “cultural historian”. Smile wide, and make Kimi feel like a King for a Day. He has the Fool for a Lifetime part sorted.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

the curse of Magick with Tears

In a bizarre (but probably planned) twist, two albums by ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend were both scheduled for release on April 21st… Kimi Kärki’s “Eye for an Eye”, and Tähtiportti‘s “Superdepressio” 12″ LP , both on Svart Records. Perhaps they were hoping to do a “buy one get one free” deal?

Yet the date kept getting closer, and there were no details, no artwork revealed, no pre-orders, naught.

It eventually emerged that Kimi’s second solo album was “pushed back to August 18”, while Tähtiportti‘s might have come out last week. We don’t know, as they are not sure, either:

Which led us to wonder… Could the shroud of Reverend Bizarre’s penultimate release, “Magick with Tears”, be weighing over them still, getting their newer efforts “delayed”?

Allow us to remind you that the last Lord Vicar was also “delayed” (a story in itself, which you can read elsewhere in this blog), and, when it finally came out, the “delay” was comparatively a minor problem. Ditto with its vinyl release, originally announced for November last year, and still “forthcoming” six months later…

Opium Warlords’ “Droner” is also stuck in a rut somewhere, as Sami keeps adding/removing/editing stuff on it (a process known to the recording cognoscenti as “farting on microphones”), no release on the horizon. Not that we need a copy of it anytime soon or anything.

But could we be forgiven for spotting the pattern here? Magick with Tears’ 10th anniversary is approaching, with no justice of any kind for the ripped-off fans, while those who benefited from the scam (or, shall we say, “long con”?) are still enjoying the fruits of their deception, some of them a little closer geographically now than then…

the curse of Magick with Tears

20 Buck Spin

Apparently hookers in Lohja go for as low as $20…

Let us take a minute to say that it does indeed pain us that more and more Reverend Bizarre stuff finds its way to bargain bins around the world. Such a real shame, that TRUE ART by ARTISTS who “like to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” gets depreciated. So, so sad. So very, very sad. *sigh* O Tempora O Mores.

Image