Celebrating 43 years of a noble and dignified life…

Join us, dear readers, as we once again turn the spotlight on a wonderful creature…

Kimi Kärki, formerly known as Peter Vicar, the frontman of Reverend Bizarre, Orne, E-Musikgruppe Lux Ohr, Uhrijuhla, Annankatu Five, Kalastaja, Kasarmin Valo and numerous other successful bands and projects, collaborator of Procession and best friend and benefactor of Tamara Abarzua, former A&R of Emissary Records, came into this world out of a certain orifice, exactly 43 years ago…

where the wild roses grow

The man, the legend who reportedly turned down careers both in the Finnish military, but also the modelling industry, to concentrate on his one true love… making mone… err, no, we mean, music.

How could anyone not fall in love immediately with such a gorgeous man?

kiss me I'm famous

On this momentous and monumental occasion, let us revisit some of Kim’s special moments…

Aaaaaaaaaaaand we’ll start with Kimi’s penchant for calling anyone who disagrees with him online an “internet commando”, while he himself bravely and courageously threatens people a coupla continents and oceans away from the safety of his computer:

nine years of justice prevailing

We’re guessing “Peter Vicar” must have misplaced his passport for the past nine years or so, unfortunately hindering his chances of travelling, booking tours, or holidaying in Ionian sea islands… mmmhm. Poor, poor thing. Not to mention that Chile is a long way away, you can’t really plan for the weather, strange customs, etc.

Moving on, let’s consider another classic moment… How  do you get rid of faulty CDs? Simple, you keep schtum, open pre-orders, send the faulty discs out and claim “there is absolutely nothing that can be done”…

there's still one bill left to pay, Kim

And finally, who cannot love an ode to one’s private parts?

Leaving you on that uplifting musical note, we wholeheartedly wish Kimi a very happy birthday… May idiots snatch all those faulty CDs on this special day, at full price, so you don’t have to sell them bargain-priced on tour…

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Celebrating 43 years of a noble and dignified life…

a gentleman’s agreement

Hi Ol, the drummer and I have a new album ready to record, we need money for the studio.

The drummer and you? What happened to the other two?

Nothing happened. They just don’t count. The one’s a drunk, the other’s an idiot. The drummer and I make the albums, the other two just tag along. So, how soon can you give us the cash?

There’s no cash. I made no money from your last record. I actually lost a lot.

And whose fault is that, you illiterate idiot?

Not mine. The factory spoke the colonialist language of the layman instead of the superior aryan one.

You didn’t add the index numbers, you dumb prat.

As I said, not my fault. There’s no money for another record.

Guess I’ll have to call The Miskatonic Foundation then…

Ok, there might be a way to make back the money I lost on YOUR faulty CDs.

What’s that?

You give me two albums of your previous band to re-release, I make some sweet dough, there might be some for you.

Are you nuts? I don’t own the rights to those.

Who does?

The label.

We’ll ask the label, then.

No, you have to ask the emo kid first. He has to give permission.

I don’t want to deal with the emo kid.

Well, that’s the way it has to be.

Ok, I ask the emo kid.

And what if he says no?

I do it anyway.

He’ll go nuts.

He can cry all night if he wants to.

We won’t hear the end of it.

That mexican woman got him to do worse.

She’s not mexican. And she had a powerful weapon that we don’t.

What weapon?

That grande panocha was really grande.

You may not have a panocha, but you are one.

You are a panocha too.

At least I’m a panocha who loves money.

No one loves money more than I do!

Really? Guess who already contacted the label and got the rights for those two albums…

Seriously? We’re in deep shit.

No shit. You’ll pretend you didn’t know either. Then you’ll handle it publicly, on facebook. Tell him some crap about getting over it and learning from it and focusing on something positive.

He’s a cry baby.

Well, let him cry.

I’m not sure about this.

Well, I lost money on your last album, so I’m doing it anyway. It’s just a case of whether you help me, and then I might help you. Make another album, that is.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes. Just don’t announce the CDs until they’re out and he can’t stop it.

Deal. Now tell me, was that brazilian woman’s panocha so powerful?

He used to walk around with her panties in his pocket, to sniff at if he felt lonely, or got a panic attack. The stench would clear any confined space he walked into. He was banned from shopping malls and shops and rode the bus alone, with the bus driver cursing at him. Does that give you an idea?

Oh my. Such potential. Do you think she might be interested in joining my label?  As an A&R rep or something prestigious like that?

F off, Oli.

Bye, Kim. Feel free to call back when you want money for the studio, you fat twat. Ha ha.

*line dies

a gentleman’s agreement

Kimi Kärki + Hipster girl = match made in heaven !

Our beloved reluctant artist Kimi Kärki briefly resurfaced recently in a YouTube video where Hipster Doom girl Sarah Kitteringham covers Finnish Doom:

Sarah is a lovely person. She owns lots of vinyl records that have all been released in the last 5 years, spends more time plaiting her hair than checking who actually sings in Minotauri (one of her favourite bands, yay!) and talks at length about things she doesn’t know. She’s basically a female Albert Witchfinder. No wonder she and Kim get along so well…

Video

Albert Witchfinder declares love for Suede, asks to join black sabbath !

The idiocy of that idiot is stupendous and monumental! We have no words…

Albert Witchfinder declares love for Suede, asks to join black sabbath !

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?

It appears we have neglected Kimi Kärki, dear readers… The last post on our favourite online-only alpha-male dates back to March of this year… It’s not our fault, though… Things have been very quiet in the Kärki camp (no pun intended)… His limelight-hogging majesty has not announced any new releases, tours, or tried to hijack an actual artist’s name to sell records in a long, long time.

We miss him, dear readers.

Really, we do.

How did that slogan he liked to end posts with go, again? “Eat Arse, Repeat Mundane”? Or something like that? We’d give anything, anything at all, dear readers, to have another grand artistic statement from our beloved Tamara-worshipping blonde bombshell…

That inimitable sense of style…

That hot bod…

That boyish charm…

Where is he, dear readers? Where is THE ARTIST? Please, help us find him!

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?

Pussy galore !

Not content with the money he’s raking in from half-price Opium Warlords albums and Reverend Bizarre “slightly improved” reissues, fantastic wizard Sami Albert Hynninen has founded a new band, named after the only thing he has ever loved (besides money and pi**ing on his fans)…

 

True to his artistic vision, his new band’s first release, a song under three minutes in length, was made available to his loyal fanbase for a measly 69 euros… Not even 70! And still cheaper than Magick With Tears!

Although, to be fair, the website does give you the option to pay “more”… Which you should!

You are not a real Sami Albert fan unless you cough up! I mean, where else can you purchase True Art lovingly created under TOTAL CONTROL!?

On a sidenote, does anyone know where we can buy one of those t-shirts with Sami’s “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing I will ever do?” slogan? We need like a dozen for a party we’re organizing…

Pussy galore !

the devaluation of true art continues…

Wonder boi Sami Albert Hynninen has once again taken to the facebooks to alert his fans (ho hum) about an impressive price decrease on his Opium Warlords album “Taste My Sword of Understanding”…

We did follow the link to the Svart shop, where our jaws dropped at the realisation that the price had actually been almost halved:

Whereupon, dear readers, we raged at this incredible injustice!

Why should a respectable label have to release parp that no one wants to buy, thus forcing them to significantly lower the price?

Why should a true artist, like Sami Albert Hynninen, who insists on TOTAL CONTROL, have to suffer the indiginity of such a disinterest in his work, his labour of love?

And, most importantly, why are there still copies available, two weeks after such an insulting reduction?

Times are hard for True Art, dear readers…

Alas, further confusion awaited us, as we noticed the slight difference in the discount between the black and gold vinyl versions:

 

We staggered in response, as, to us, all of Sami’s work is gold, and also black. Decidedly black!

Please, dear readers, we implore you, empty your pockets and purchase those rare, sought-after items on offer, those fine specimens of Great Art, produced under TOTAL CONTROL!

Let no copy henceforth gather dust on the cold shelves of the record label’s storage unit.

Allow this labour of love to bring hope and enlightenment to your homes!

Let the sounds therein fill you with awe and wonder!

Help poor, poor Sami make some money…

the devaluation of true art continues…