albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

We received this email today, which we publish in full:

“Notoriously reclusive artist Sami Albert Hynninen aka Albert Witchfinder has announced a “Storytellers”-type tour for late 2018. The tour will span seven months and cover all five continents.

For this very special tour, Sami Albert will be performing fan favourites from ALL his past bands, preceding each one with a story which will give fans a greater understanding and appreciation of his ART. Reverend Bizarre, KLV, March 15, The Candles Burning Blue, The Puritan, Vironsusi, Armanenschaft, Tähtiportti, Spiritus Mortis, Azrael Rising, Opium Warlords, Punisment, Tamarascunt and Werwolf Lodge will all feature in the setlist, with at least three songs each, in the five-hour-plus emotional extravaganza. 

In addition, multi-instrumentalist Sami Albert will eschew conventional instruments like guitar and bass for this tour, performing instead on wurlitzer, glockenspiel, recorder, viola da gamba, oud and bell ends instead.

The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:

The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:

“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”

“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”

Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”

Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.

Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”

We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…

 

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albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

special christmas competition !

How many pricks can you spot in this photo?

The first person to reply with the correct answer wins a Reverend Bizarre swag bag (no, we don’t mean Tamara’s purse), full of goodies.

special christmas competition !

Albert Witchfinder Drones on and on…

We’re slowly catching up on happenings in the idiot camp during our autumn break, which most of us spent sight-seeing in Sweden while researching a forthcoming article…

So, in the Sami Albert camp, everyone’s favourite whiny kid finally released his masterpiece, Droner:

The album carries on the Sami Albert tradition of truly esoteric releases with multiple layers waiting to reward the loyal buyer with attention to detail…

Paganini’s hand on the cover, for example, is a symbol of Sami’s inability to play any instrument anywhere near the skill level of the old master. But that’s no reason not to put it on the cover, if girls like Tamara get impressed and agree to give you a handjob. For less than their usual fee!

We’re not gonna lie, the writers of this blog have been unable to complete even one playthrough of the album. Most of us clicked off after the first two uneventful minutes, while the one who persisted on for a while longer had to be hospitalized when the vocals kicked in. He’s fine now, and his ribs ache only slightly while laughing.

The album however, got rave reviews from all of Sami’s mates who get freebie copies for “review” purposes. He’s painstakingly posting those reviews on his facebook page, in a sincere yet ludicrous attempt to lure buyers.

One place where the album did not go down well is the Official Chilean Reverend Bizarre Fan Club Forum: http://www.tirania.cl/moneygrab.html

The most common issue among forum users, despite being obviously grateful for a new album from the inimitable genius of Sami Albert, is that, yet again, Sami chose not to record some of his best songs, like “Overwhelm Me, Butt Sorrow”, “Lament for the Fiddlers of Tamara’s Khoto” and “The Land Beyond the Dancing Pole”.

Sami’s Chilean fans, who closely follow Sami’s “secret gigs” with his obscure projects Werwolf Lodge, Tähtipölhö and Javla Fitta are heartbroken that Sami won’t give them official studio versions for those live favourites.

But Sami has a well-earned reputation for not catering to his fans’ wishes, however faithfully they might support him. Cheer up, Chilean fans, you can always enjoy those songs in the live bootlegs!

If you fancy a listen to Sami’s laughable attempts at “music”, click here: https://opiumwarlords.bandcamp.com/album/droner

Aaand we will return with a coupla more Droner-inspired articles in the not too distant future…

Albert Witchfinder Drones on and on…

Quiz: Are you Peter Vicar ?

We would like to conclude our Peter Vicar month with this quiz, dear readers, giving you a chance to see how you measure up against this pillar of greatness and how close you are to being a “Doom Metal Icon”… To find out the truth, simply answer those questions:

Your band has split up. You form a new band, with a different line-up, a different singer and a different chief songwriter. There could be benefits, however, if you explicitly introduce the new band as “the natural continuation” of the former. Would you?

a. Nah

b. Sure thing! Are you kidding?

 

Because of a mistake of your own label, the CD version of your new album is faulty. Do you…

a. Own up to it, directly let everyone know about it, and ask if they still want to receive the CD or would prefer a refund?

b. Send out the faulty CDs anyway and say “there’s aboslutely nothing that can be done”?

 

An impressionable, well-meaning but pea-brained hack has just written an article on you, full of inaccuracies, especially with regards to your past, status and accomplishments. Those inaccuracies, however, present you in a more favourable light. Do you…

a. Contact the journalist immediately, and offer the necessary corrections?

b. Post a link to the inaccurate article on all social networking sites you can, without mentioning anything, either to the writer or the readers?

 

Someone you’ve never met has been lying both to you and your fans, so she can steal their money. Who do you side with, and actively protect, in every way you can?

a. Your fans.

b. The liar.

 

The Results:

exclusively “a”s: sorries, mate, it seems like you are an honest person, with common sense, responsibilty and a spine. You could never possibly be Peter Vicar.

exclusively “b”s: Congratulations! You ARE Peter Vicar!

Quiz: Are you Peter Vicar ?

the made-up history of Kimi Kärki, continued

Following on from our previous post, here’s another instance of our cherished buffoon, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar, trying to get credit for things he has not done:

 

You see, now he did not just collaborate with a doom metal frontman, he became one himself…

If anyone knows when and where exactly Kimi Kärki has been a “doom metal frontman”, please do let us know.

Twice bad, that he posted this on the Reverend Bizarre page, knowing full well he was never their “frontman”… But the truth flees at the sight of our Lil’Kim.

the made-up history of Kimi Kärki, continued

Kimi Kärki manages to release “Eye for an Eye” !

After a pathetically pathetic year and a half, including a “delayed” and faulty CD version of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”, an LP version of the same album that has been rescheduled more times than we care to count, and a “pushed back” release date for “Eye for an Eye” itself, Kimi Kärki’s second solo album WAS released last friday…

 

We don’t know what’s more fancy, the gatefold cover or that lovely wallpaper in Kimi’s music room…

Naturally, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar spammed the same post on other facebook profiles he controls as well, including the Reverend Bizarre page:

 

Because Kim might not need a mask anymore, but he certainly craves the success his old band once had, a success that he has failed to reach himself in nearly a decade…

The same info was of course also rehashed on Lord Vicar’s page:

 

…although we’d venture that Lord Vicar fans might have appreciated an update on the much-maligned “Gates of Flesh” vinyl instead…

But Kimi always looks on the bright side of things, the good things in life. Is the LV vinyl you pre-ordered delayed AGAIN? Why not purchase “Eye for an Eye” while you’re waiting? Here’s the link, by your selectively informative friend, Dr. Kärki…

Congrats on making at least one release happen, Peter! We’re so proud of you! And we’ll be back to discuss some more things in the not too distant future…

Kimi Kärki manages to release “Eye for an Eye” !