Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

Life has been hard for Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, lately…

The latest opus from his main band, Lord Vicar, originally planned to feature “shorter, punchier songs”, came out on CD as one, long, 41-minute song.

The European tour scheduled for November last year, to support the release, never happened.

The vinyl version of the album, intended to coincide with the tour, has not been seen by anyone anywhere.

His second solo album, “Eye for an eye”, initially listed for release on April 21st, has been “pushed back” to August.

Perhaps worst of all, his ex-bandmate Sami Albert Hynninen, with whom Kimi founded the legendary and prestigious C.O.T.D. / Circle of True Doom, and who claimed that “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing he will ever do!” (fur realz!), now does the monkey dance live on stage with some Psychedelic Disco troupe.

On a more personal level, poor Kim now plays the stranger in a strange land, living all alone in a small flat in Cleveland, Ohio. Without his family and friends, Kimi spends way too much time on the internet, spamming his facebook “friends” with an interminable array of links and articles, informing everyone and anyone with an internet connection of what he approves and what he does not condone. Apparently, he’s severely unhappy with the political situation in the country that welcomed him. Could someone report this to the appropriate authorities, to end Kimi’s plight?

In the meantime, however, there is something YOU, dear readers, could do, to help cheer sad and lonely Kimi up… For he has an intimate concert scheduled for tonight:

This is Kimi’s only gig that we know of, despite him hoping that a US promoter would book Lord Vicar while he’s there…

Please, dear readers, go spend tonight with Kimi! Help him show the US promoters that he can pull a crowd, and put bums on seats. Put a smile on a long-suffering man’s face.

You don’t really need to listen to whatever he’s going to play (judging by what we’ve heard, neither his voice nor guitar playing are of any value, without the aid of studio trickery). Feel free to take your iPods with you, put your earphones in, and play something to your liking. Just nod along whenever he appears to be addressing you, explaining his “craft”. Shake his hand on your way out, and let him know how you enjoyed it. Commend his “versatile playing”. Assure him you’ll buy the album when it’s out (not a legally binding agreement, rest assured). Pat him on the back and tell him he’s an honest and honourable man. Feign interest in his side-career as a “cultural historian”. Smile wide, and make Kimi feel like a King for a Day. He has the Fool for a Lifetime part sorted.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

Soon Be Here, Prince of Fap.

The multitudes of fans, well-wishers, admirers and yes-men friends who have flocked to the Opium Warlords facebook page today, to wish a Happy Birthday to Grand Magister Sami Albert Hynninen were faced with a devastating lack of posts in eleven days… A highly unnerving concurrence for a serial facebook-poster like our Sami.

Those of us who have followed his work (and f***-ups) while Reverend Bizarre were actually active (the minority, then) have an additional reason to worry, knowing the significance of the date of three days ago, March 15th, for Albert. Could something bad have happened?

We posed this question in the unofficial Reverend Bizarre forum (which, unlike the official one, is actually quite active), and a user who asked to remain anonymous related a tale involving Albert and several girls in the aftershow party of the most recent Spiritus Mortis gig in Tampere, FI, this last weekend. We say “aftershow party”, but we actually mean “the time when Sami was sitting on his ass, looking dapper and dandy while his bandmates were slaving away, packing up”… Could Sami be still handcuffed to the bedpost of a female fan in picturesque Tampere, and used as a pleasure slave?

We’ll toast to that. Happy Birthday, Sami, wherever you are!

EDIT: Sami finally surfaced in the late afternoon, to post a SM gig review. oof. All is well, then. No sex was harmed in the making of this absence from facebook.

Soon Be Here, Prince of Fap.

Archaeological find baffles scientists !

A rotten pile of excrement was discovered last Saturday night in Turku, Finland, in the vicinity of Köydenpunojankatu. Saturday night revellers noticed a strong stench, which they traced to a massive cornucopia of ordure. Local archaeology enthusiast Vaalea Pullukka takes up the story:

“Carbon dating determines the manure heap to be exactly four decades old, making it an important find for the area!”, she beams with excitement. “At first, the locals mistook it for a man, due to its massive size and irregular shape, but it became clear even to them, that this is only faeces.”

“I could have sworn I heard it sing!”, says Jarmo M., a slightly inebriated local at the nearby watering hole, “but there’s no way this smell could be emanating from anything remotely human…”. He blushes, with obvious embarrassment.

Whilst its age has been accurately determined, the origins of the excreta have not been defined. Locals have largely guessed at canine or equestrian sources, but the circumstances under which such a large volume of excrement could have been produced remain a mystery.

Further tests revealed the pile to have the following attributes:

I. impressive flexibility

II. melts upon exposure to south american vaginal secretions

III. an unmistakable attraction to money

IV. an advanced state of rot

“The pile absorbs food at an alarming speed, to maintain its body mass. There’s an undeniable necessity and greed to its consumption rate. It seems like it intends to be the largest, stinkiest pile of dung in the whole of Finland!”, concludes a noticeably enamoured area resident. “There’s no stopping its ambition for ultimate egesta supremacy!”.

The lab tests continue, we will sure keep our readers up to date with any further developments.

Archaeological find baffles scientists !

It’s still not the end of the world as we know it!

Whoa, what a week! Not only the world did not end on tuesday, despite Albert Witchfinder’s hopes, fears and repeatedly strictly accurate predictions, but also Sami Hynninen hit the four decades mark, as of yesterday…

Sami has accomplished much during his time on this earth, certainly far more than other men twice his age (and half his size), and today he looks to the future with renewed enthusiasm and joie de vivre, new-found maturity and a certain sense of understanding.

Yeah, right. Who are we kidding? He just booked himself a weekend in the UK for easter…

Nevertheless, thanks to the magic of the internet, our associates have access to exclusive Sami Albert photos, with which they worked hard to put together a possible timeline for Sami Albert’s birthday celebrations. ‘Ere we go:

Dawn found him refreshed, in his custom bed linen and beauty mask…

bedtime

He quickly jumped out of bed to enjoy a nutritious breakfast in his space shuttle-themed dining room…

frokost

On with the day’s events! First things first, the garden decorations need to be approved. Even if it’s your birthday…

a garden party

Soon afterwards, a welcome reunion with old friends, who sure bear a certain likeness to ex-members of Reverend Bizarre…

bizarre reunion

And finally wrapping up the celebrations in the strip joint where Tamara works…

panic at the disco

Happy birthday, Sami. Hope you had a great day. Needless to say, we do wish you all the best! 🙂

It’s still not the end of the world as we know it!

Who ate all the cakes ?

Doom Metal Legend (TM) Peter Vicar, aka Kimi Kärki, turned 39 last week…

Dedicated to providing full satisfaction for his friends and fans, Kimi went on a cake binge eating tour of all his local bakeries and pastry shops, where he tried each and every cake available at least twice, as you can see from this fairly recent, and beautifully composed, photo:

fatty

Kimi’s obvious joy truly melted our collective hearts here at DWA… Here’s a man who’s smugly happy about himself… He has bulit a career on the back of others, his belly is full, his toy in his hand, there’s no guilt shading his bright blue sky…

Happy belated birthday, Kimi! We hope you got all sorts of birthday cards and nice pressies from your friends in Chile… That kind of loyalty must be rewarded!

Image

Great Tidings !

Our favourite entertainer Sami Albert Hynninen survived another March 15th (of the year 2015, no less) last week, presumably by the age-proven method of hiding under his bed while clutching his Power Rangers collection and muttering sweet words about his distant friend and altruistic benefactor, Laura Valencia.

Then, on the 18th, he celebrated his birthday and turned 39 ! Here he is, at his party, with all of his friends:

Hyvää syntymäpäivää

Dear Sami, merry wishes for further enlightenments from all of us here at dwa 🙂

Great Tidings !