Either that, or Fenriz has joined Sami’s new “less mainstream than Reverend Bizarre” band… We’re honestly not sure.
Word has reached us, through the unlikeliest of channels, that Doom metal maestro, singer/songwriter and overall talented artist Kimi Kärki is in fact somewhere in the United States of A, spreading joy and wisdom to all those around him, and we don’t just mean his facebook
spam posts. He may even be selling copies of his latest effort, who knows?
As surprised as we were by the news initially, once the dust had settled we were faced with the grim reality of Kimi’s potential motivation for such a trip… And then it hit us: He will use his position in the US as a stronghold from where to launch his merciless, unrelenting assault on those who cheated him and stole his fans’ money and are reported to reside in a sunny South American country!
This must be it!
He himself foretold of it, many (many) moons ago, in this post:
We’re waiting with baited breath for Kimi’s next move… Will he enforce “justice”, or “tooth and claw”? His enemies must be scared s**tless, for sure. Such a formidable opponent, fearsome warrior and man of pure righteousness!
We are absolutely, 100% sure, he will exact revenge on those who tricked not just himself and his bandmates, but also his fans…
And, even if he does not, we get to call him “disproportionately big mouth, absolutely no trousers” for the rest of his pathetic life. We might even throw a “lying coward!” in, for good measure… It’s basically a win-win situation!
A blog visitor linked us to this exchange which happened on the Lord Vicar facebook page:
Surely, such customer service skills are putting several multinational corporations to shame.
However, we cannot help but think that Lardy is getting softer with age… What happened to the stern, strong man, The Spartan, who, just a few months ago, unashamedly told unsuspecting, trusting buyers that “there is absolutely nothing that can be done”? Why didn’t Lardy casually inform this infidel that “this is the way they prefer it to be experienced”? Why didn’t he stress the importance of being “listened as a continuous journey, not track here, track there”? Surely, if he wanted to play Lord Vicar’s tunes as a dj, he could play the whole thing, no? “It’s not a huge test in patience” or anything!
Those youngsters cannot be relied upon to be C.O.T.D., but if we cannot depend on a C.O.T.D. veteran to show them the way, then what is left? Accidents, a Green-Loving Man who is becoming a shadow of himself?
Not since the crusades have men ventured out on such a noble cause. The 2015 Lord Vicar tour starts today! Round Midnight. In Paris. See what we did there?
Please study their itinerary carefully, and, if they’re playing in, or passing through, your city, we advise you do your bakery shopping as early as possible.
Somewhat spectacularly, they are joined by none other than Lohja bedroom pinup boy, most generous benefactor, eeny wheeny miney mo and blog favourite Sami Albert Hynninen on bass!
Sneaky Peter Vicar has managed to get the other Reverend Bizarre member in his band, too. Machiavelli rubs his hands with glee in the Asphodel Meadows, while Satan, laughing, spreads his wings…
Don Alberto made the announcement on his exquisitely reclusive facebook page, and followed up with at least two more posts, and countless comments afterwards. There’s no denying the boy’s excited.
There has been no official announcement on Lordy Lard’s page, however. Could there be more to that story? What’s with keeping lineup changes under wraps? Are they embarrassed to have a musician of Albert’s calibre and lofty status in the band? Some sad twat posted about it in their official forum, but there’s been no commentary there, either. We’re pretty sure they’ll be posting when the album’s available to buy, though.
Sadly, and according to Sami, they won’t be performing RB tunes on the tour, as Kimi likes to think that their Paris gig sold out because his band is getting bigger and better and that those who bought tickets are going to the gig to see himself, giving those “solos” he recorded by moonlight a go.
Anyway. Have fun if you do attend a gig (we’re not being sarcastic). And buy Albert a drink. Ideally before the show.
After releasing an appropriately hipster acoustic folk album last year, doom metal’s least likely character was spotted sporting an appropriately hipster beard… Bring on the recycled Saint Vitus riffs!