another tale of total controll

 

“Supervised” and even “slightly improved”… Need we say more?

Buy it again, doom fiends! Support the starving artists…

Whatever they’ve released recently does not really fly off the shelves.

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the devaluation of true art continues…

Wonder boi Sami Albert Hynninen has once again taken to the facebooks to alert his fans (ho hum) about an impressive price decrease on his Opium Warlords album “Taste My Sword of Understanding”…

We did follow the link to the Svart shop, where our jaws dropped at the realisation that the price had actually been almost halved:

Whereupon, dear readers, we raged at this incredible injustice!

Why should a respectable label have to release parp that no one wants to buy, thus forcing them to significantly lower the price?

Why should a true artist, like Sami Albert Hynninen, who insists on TOTAL CONTROL, have to suffer the indiginity of such a disinterest in his work, his labour of love?

And, most importantly, why are there still copies available, two weeks after such an insulting reduction?

Times are hard for True Art, dear readers…

Alas, further confusion awaited us, as we noticed the slight difference in the discount between the black and gold vinyl versions:

 

We staggered in response, as, to us, all of Sami’s work is gold, and also black. Decidedly black!

Please, dear readers, we implore you, empty your pockets and purchase those rare, sought-after items on offer, those fine specimens of Great Art, produced under TOTAL CONTROL!

Let no copy henceforth gather dust on the cold shelves of the record label’s storage unit.

Allow this labour of love to bring hope and enlightenment to your homes!

Let the sounds therein fill you with awe and wonder!

Help poor, poor Sami make some money…

the devaluation of true art continues…

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

We received this email today, which we publish in full:

“Notoriously reclusive artist Sami Albert Hynninen aka Albert Witchfinder has announced a “Storytellers”-type tour for late 2018. The tour will span seven months and cover all five continents.

For this very special tour, Sami Albert will be performing fan favourites from ALL his past bands, preceding each one with a story which will give fans a greater understanding and appreciation of his ART. Reverend Bizarre, KLV, March 15, The Candles Burning Blue, The Puritan, Vironsusi, Armanenschaft, Tähtiportti, Spiritus Mortis, Azrael Rising, Opium Warlords, Punisment, Tamarascunt and Werwolf Lodge will all feature in the setlist, with at least three songs each, in the five-hour-plus emotional extravaganza. 

In addition, multi-instrumentalist Sami Albert will eschew conventional instruments like guitar and bass for this tour, performing instead on wurlitzer, glockenspiel, recorder, viola da gamba, oud and bell ends instead.

The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:

The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:

“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”

“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”

Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”

Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.

Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”

We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…

 

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

opium warlords fall victim to brutal repricing !

 

Maybe if they gave a free copy of “Gates of Flesh” with every purchase? That might help, no?

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the day of the prophecy is upon us! repent!

It’s March 15th again… if you see this man, buy him an ice lolly…

Whatever you do, don’t ask him what 2025 minus 1976 is, or mention any mystical words like “tamarasvadge”, “poop”, and “droner”…

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albert witchfinder talks penis !

Read and learn from sacred scripture of a true master on the subject:

He meditates under the big vulva in the sky on a daily basis, you know…

albert witchfinder talks penis !

Albert Witchfinder Drones on and on…

We’re slowly catching up on happenings in the idiot camp during our autumn break, which most of us spent sight-seeing in Sweden while researching a forthcoming article…

So, in the Sami Albert camp, everyone’s favourite whiny kid finally released his masterpiece, Droner:

The album carries on the Sami Albert tradition of truly esoteric releases with multiple layers waiting to reward the loyal buyer with attention to detail…

Paganini’s hand on the cover, for example, is a symbol of Sami’s inability to play any instrument anywhere near the skill level of the old master. But that’s no reason not to put it on the cover, if girls like Tamara get impressed and agree to give you a handjob. For less than their usual fee!

We’re not gonna lie, the writers of this blog have been unable to complete even one playthrough of the album. Most of us clicked off after the first two uneventful minutes, while the one who persisted on for a while longer had to be hospitalized when the vocals kicked in. He’s fine now, and his ribs ache only slightly while laughing.

The album however, got rave reviews from all of Sami’s mates who get freebie copies for “review” purposes. He’s painstakingly posting those reviews on his facebook page, in a sincere yet ludicrous attempt to lure buyers.

One place where the album did not go down well is the Official Chilean Reverend Bizarre Fan Club Forum: http://www.tirania.cl/moneygrab.html

The most common issue among forum users, despite being obviously grateful for a new album from the inimitable genius of Sami Albert, is that, yet again, Sami chose not to record some of his best songs, like “Overwhelm Me, Butt Sorrow”, “Lament for the Fiddlers of Tamara’s Khoto” and “The Land Beyond the Dancing Pole”.

Sami’s Chilean fans, who closely follow Sami’s “secret gigs” with his obscure projects Werwolf Lodge, Tähtipölhö and Javla Fitta are heartbroken that Sami won’t give them official studio versions for those live favourites.

But Sami has a well-earned reputation for not catering to his fans’ wishes, however faithfully they might support him. Cheer up, Chilean fans, you can always enjoy those songs in the live bootlegs!

If you fancy a listen to Sami’s laughable attempts at “music”, click here: https://opiumwarlords.bandcamp.com/album/droner

Aaand we will return with a coupla more Droner-inspired articles in the not too distant future…

Albert Witchfinder Drones on and on…