Burger boi has starry eyes!

Word reaches us that world renowned anti-corporations activist and recluse Sami Albert Hynninen has gone and done the unthinkable:

To begin with, we honestly don’t know which surprises us most: Doom Gloom Meister Albert Witchfinder in a franchise fast food joint, or that somehow Kimi Kärki was not around to grab the burger and run with it…

But then he starts relating the story about unexpectedly seeing this childhood hero of his, and we honestly got tears in our eyes…

We cried a bit more while he revealed how he did not dare approach his idol:

 

That must also be why Sami has not spoken to Pato of Tyrannus and Emissary Records, either… He feels such respect for the man who tricked him into getting his fans ripped off that poor, poor Albert feels intimidated. We’ll buy him a big red balloon and an ice cream cone next time we see him in an amusement park, looking all shy and running after members of Stam1na so he can post about them on his facebook…

This might be a photo of Sami on the day, sipping a beer to cool down his obvious excitement:

Beads of sweat are visible on his forehead, either from the emotional impact, or from stuffing his mouth with the entire contents of a Hesburger family meal. We’re not sure…

Hope you’re having a great summer, Sami! Try McDonalds next time, as a way to demonstrate your dislike for fast food franchises… Who knows which childhood hero of yours might be hanging out outside…

Burger boi has starry eyes!

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

…as The Artist who “likes to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” (did you notice the ALL CAPS? that’s because he means it!), recently confirmed the end of the laboured process:

 

After over three years of threading the Emperor’s Newer Clothes, The Artist understandably needs to celebrate accordingly and blow off some steam…

And what better way to do so, than to perform at a double-whammy of shows with camp troupe Tähtiportti?

 

Because, you see, some monkeys like to dance under TOTAL CONTROL!

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Apologies for the slight delay since our last post, dear readers, but those of us who don’t mind going to the beach often find our priorities shifted and our time consumed easily.

Unlike blog sweetheart Sami Albert Hynninen, for example, who is busy planning the mixing sessions for Opium Warlords’ “Droner”, an album three years in the making…

That long gestation period places it in a contest with that other special release by Alberto’s former best mate Dicky Tosser from Yorkshire, who is also working on an album for a few years now (it sez here!), and of course Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” vinyl version, which has been foretold of for over a year now and still hasn’t materialised… Let’s see who wins the golden trophy among our noble competitors. Our money is on Kimi, seeing as he’s slimey and quick despite his considerable size.

Besides his hard work on “Droner”, Sami also found time to oversee a hand-bound reprint of “Tabula Obscura”, a comic book he co-authored with some other guys:

 

Priced at just 90 euros plus postage (which should be hefty in itself, judging by the book’s size and paper quality), it’s a veritable steal for punters, Reverend Bizarre fans with more money than sense, and those of you looking for tinder paper for your Summer Solstice (today, yo!) bonfire…

It’s unverified, but we have received reports that the impressive volume is lovingly hand-bound and shipped by Tamara and Pato, Sami’s best friends and business associates.

Please, place an order, dear readers, and be part of Sami’s “Get Rich Quick” scheme!

You can be assured of the quality of the book, because Sami Albert likes to maintain TOTAL CONTROL over whatever he pushes for you to buy:

 

Something that has worked well for Sami so far, except for that Reverend Bizarre “Magick with Tears” 2LP, the KLV “Niin Musta on Maa” compilation, the March 15th “Our Love Becomes a Funeral Pyre” EP… You sort of see where we’re getting at. So. TOTAL CONTROL. In ALL CAPS, to ensure you believe it.

Reserve your copy of this TOTALLy CONTROLLed Collector’s Item today, so Sami can think about maybe going to the beach after all. The one in Lohja, beside the dumpster and the drunk hipsters.

More news on ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend coming soon, we promise, as all camps have been busy and we are delighted to report on such splendid folk!

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

the curse of Magick with Tears

In a bizarre (but probably planned) twist, two albums by ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend were both scheduled for release on April 21st… Kimi Kärki’s “Eye for an Eye”, and Tähtiportti‘s “Superdepressio” 12″ LP , both on Svart Records. Perhaps they were hoping to do a “buy one get one free” deal?

Yet the date kept getting closer, and there were no details, no artwork revealed, no pre-orders, naught.

It eventually emerged that Kimi’s second solo album was “pushed back to August 18”, while Tähtiportti‘s might have come out last week. We don’t know, as they are not sure, either:

Which led us to wonder… Could the shroud of Reverend Bizarre’s penultimate release, “Magick with Tears”, be weighing over them still, getting their newer efforts “delayed”?

Allow us to remind you that the last Lord Vicar was also “delayed” (a story in itself, which you can read elsewhere in this blog), and, when it finally came out, the “delay” was comparatively a minor problem. Ditto with its vinyl release, originally announced for November last year, and still “forthcoming” six months later…

Opium Warlords’ “Droner” is also stuck in a rut somewhere, as Sami keeps adding/removing/editing stuff on it (a process known to the recording cognoscenti as “farting on microphones”), no release on the horizon. Not that we need a copy of it anytime soon or anything.

But could we be forgiven for spotting the pattern here? Magick with Tears’ 10th anniversary is approaching, with no justice of any kind for the ripped-off fans, while those who benefited from the scam (or, shall we say, “long con”?) are still enjoying the fruits of their deception, some of them a little closer geographically now than then…

the curse of Magick with Tears

20 Buck Spin

Apparently hookers in Lohja go for as low as $20…

Let us take a minute to say that it does indeed pain us that more and more Reverend Bizarre stuff finds its way to bargain bins around the world. Such a real shame, that TRUE ART by ARTISTS who “like to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” gets depreciated. So, so sad. So very, very sad. *sigh* O Tempora O Mores.

Image

Soon Be Here, Prince of Fap.

The multitudes of fans, well-wishers, admirers and yes-men friends who have flocked to the Opium Warlords facebook page today, to wish a Happy Birthday to Grand Magister Sami Albert Hynninen were faced with a devastating lack of posts in eleven days… A highly unnerving concurrence for a serial facebook-poster like our Sami.

Those of us who have followed his work (and f***-ups) while Reverend Bizarre were actually active (the minority, then) have an additional reason to worry, knowing the significance of the date of three days ago, March 15th, for Albert. Could something bad have happened?

We posed this question in the unofficial Reverend Bizarre forum (which, unlike the official one, is actually quite active), and a user who asked to remain anonymous related a tale involving Albert and several girls in the aftershow party of the most recent Spiritus Mortis gig in Tampere, FI, this last weekend. We say “aftershow party”, but we actually mean “the time when Sami was sitting on his ass, looking dapper and dandy while his bandmates were slaving away, packing up”… Could Sami be still handcuffed to the bedpost of a female fan in picturesque Tampere, and used as a pleasure slave?

We’ll toast to that. Happy Birthday, Sami, wherever you are!

EDIT: Sami finally surfaced in the late afternoon, to post a SM gig review. oof. All is well, then. No sex was harmed in the making of this absence from facebook.

Soon Be Here, Prince of Fap.

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

We would like to apologize for the somewhat long delay since our last post, but we have been researching the influx of graphic designers from impoverished South American countries in Sweden. Purely for academic purposes.

Meanwhile, wonder boy Sami Albert Hynninen released his second (and, by his own word, last) album with finnish behemoths Spiritus Mortis (more on which in a separate post), while the long-awaited vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” (scheduled for last November) has not materialised… Perhaps they’re still looking for a way to press it as a single track? Try 24″ vinyl, boys!

Good things are afoot, as well, with Sami finally reaching the end of the recording for the next Opium “We don’t sell any records so they’re all on sale on the Svart website” Warlords, preparing to tour with SM, and reportedly turning down a job as The Grinch in his hometown, while Kimi “Peter Vicar” Kärki is packing his bags with a view to going where… plenty others have gone before, and follow the historical trail of Christopher Columbus. We’ll have plenty to say for all that too, once we’re done with our mince pies.

For the moment, dear readers, feast yourselves on two recent tidbits who attempt to pull the wool over your eyes and re-write history. Both typical passtimes for ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend.

First, it was Sami who gifted us some wintertime mirth, with a bold statement:

Yes, that’s right, the man who single-handedly delayed Spiritus Mortis’ “The Year is Zero” by a good two years, while he was pursuing his unashamed dreams of pop stardom now claims to “serve the purposes of the band, not the purposes of [himself]”. Righty-o. Ding Dong. Ho Ho Ho.

Feeling the pressure to one-up his (twice) former bandmate on the “not exactly the truth” scales, Lil’ Kim soon followed this up with a quote from a Lard Vicar review, where he’s proclaimed to be “the man behind Reverend Bizarre”. We did our lols here.

the-man-behind-the-curtain

True, he did not say it himself, but by quoting it on his band page, without the necessary (ask Sami) clarifications, he’s perpetuating the lie. A well-known technique for misinformation, previously practiced by a bitter old man from Yorkshire.

And with this, dear readers, we’ll sign off for the year (probably). Happy holidays!

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…