Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

The month of June is upon us, and Kimi is running out of days in this country that welcomed him where things happen that he does not approve of, but is hoping to return to anyway, if some idiot someone funds him for it.

We have to admit that, with Kimi’s departure preparations imminent, a trip to Chile seems unlikely. Guess “justice”, “tooth” and “claw” will have to wait a little more. What’s eternity compared to nine years?

Hoping to help Kim make the most of his tenure stateside, however, we compiled a list or possible destinations, all closer than Santiago, and if Kimi cycles to them he might even lose some of his gut and six extra chins.

Map and compass at the ready, and we begin:

1. Los Angeles, California. The mecca of “style over substance” music, something Kimi is factually familiar with. He can put his bandana back on and roam the streets among like-minded “musicians”. We’d pay good money to see Kimi jam a Mötley Crüe or Ratt tune, if he practiced enough so he has the chops for it.

2. Indianapolis, Indiana. An obvious choice, really, for those of us well-knowledgeable in the memberships of the C.O.T.D., as fellow “true” doom mate Karl Simon resides there. Karl’s unquestioning loyalty to the wrong people is well-documented elsewhere (and we sincerely hope we don’t have to go into detail here as well, in the future), so we won’t mention too many examples, just the one that caught our attention most recently:

always wanted

That’s right, your “mate” has found himself in possession of a large number of CDs he couldn’t sell to the pulp plant, and he has already sent them out to those who -in good faith- paid for them in advance, so what do you do? You say you “always wanted to do a CD like that”.

Then, when your new album is out, just a few weeks later, is it “all one track”, like you “always wanted to do”? NO. IT’S. NOT. Who’s a hypocrite, then?

We can easily picture Kimi and Karl together, on Karl’s porch, holding hands and listening to “New Dork Age” and reminiscing about the good old times when Richard Lionturd told idiots to buy their records and they did…

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A dream destination for many doom fans, this city has given birth to more good Doom bands than the average industrial stinkhole. Perhaps Kimi could attend a few shows and see how it’s done. Or at least steal some ideas for riffs.

As an added bonus, the Pittsburgh poodle is a breed of dog as obedient and reliable as they come, and has been often petted by a renowned Yorkshire gentleman Kimi had previously had affections with. Should the two get together for a drink, we can only imagine the nostalgia in the room.

4. Innsmouth, Massachusetts. A city of great interest to cultural historians, its residents are described as inbred half-humans who engage in underhand practices and dream of world domination. Kimi will fit right in.

Safe journeys, Kimi! May the road take you wherever you’ve always deserved to be.


Journey planner for wandering Vicars.