The Gates of Flesh

Citizens of the picturesque Turku city of Finland are distraught as gyms are turning into fast food joints and bakeries almost overnight… “I walked into what used to be the aerobics temple where I did my plyometrics and rigorous cardio”, says local resident Petteri Vicaraki, while sucking on his triple choc milkshake, “and I walked out with three dozen doughnuts, five jammy scones and a 2kg marzipan log. This is madness!”

“It’s a terrible situation all around”, says voluptuously-bodied Rauta Vasara, Petteri’s neighbour, while munching on a chocolate-dipped dough ball he just pulled out of a bag of twenty. “There’s no way out. I am forced to sit on my mom’s sofa, playing video games, smoking pot and snacking, 24/7.” Huffing, he bends to pick up a 12″ vinyl-sized lolly that fell out of his goody bag. “I will never fit into my bathing suit this summer!”

While the citizens of Turku are united in their plight, others have remained skeptical on the matter… “Not that I’m into conspiracy theories and stuff, but this is clearly a full on government plan to prey on the skinny and promote obesity”, says Dilbert Bonkero, a citizen of far away Lohja. “The unenlightened will have no choice but to get fatter and fatter, while the truly enlightened, like me, will maintain their model figures on a diet of moths and boiled newspaper. It’s a struggle, a battle of spirits, a head-on challenge for the well and truly informed citizens that don’t simply believe everything that is spoken to them, unless of course it’s told by a vagina owner from Chile”.

Dear readers, should you happen to be in Turku, please seek out a functioning gym, where Petteri can shed some pounds for the glamour photo shots of his new album. And let us know if they offer a 2-for-1 subscription scheme, in case Rauta wants to join him. Leave a comment, and we will forward this much-needed info to them.

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The Gates of Flesh

Who ate all the cakes ?

Doom Metal Legend (TM) Peter Vicar, aka Kimi Kärki, turned 39 last week…

Dedicated to providing full satisfaction for his friends and fans, Kimi went on a cake binge eating tour of all his local bakeries and pastry shops, where he tried each and every cake available at least twice, as you can see from this fairly recent, and beautifully composed, photo:

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Kimi’s obvious joy truly melted our collective hearts here at DWA… Here’s a man who’s smugly happy about himself… He has bulit a career on the back of others, his belly is full, his toy in his hand, there’s no guilt shading his bright blue sky…

Happy belated birthday, Kimi! We hope you got all sorts of birthday cards and nice pressies from your friends in Chile… That kind of loyalty must be rewarded!

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