things are looking up for lord vicar !

Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.

These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.

Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.

While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:

“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland

“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia

“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]

“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK

“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile

The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!

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things are looking up for lord vicar !

albert witchfinder talks penis !

Read and learn from sacred scripture of a true master on the subject:

He meditates under the big vulva in the sky on a daily basis, you know…

albert witchfinder talks penis !

a special christmas message

Kind readers,

this Christmas,

while you are surrounded by family

and friends,

please spare a thought

for those

less fortunate ones,

who play gigs to no one.

a special christmas message

lord vicar don’t fail to disappoint!

So, while our writers were absorbed elsewhere, Lord Vicar finally sneaked out their vinyl version of “Gates of Flesh”… Turns out the “something special and never seen before in the Doom metal history” is a piece of cardboard that folds out as you open the vinyl sleeve. We’re not kidding:

No doubt this seems fascinating if you are a village boy from Finland who got lucky and rode the broomstick of (relative) success for like 14 minutes on the back of someone else.

We imagine the executive meeting that led to this idea along the lines of…

Kimi Kärki: This would look so cool! All our 5-year-old-brained fans will love it!

Oliver Richleech: wunderbar! Can someone handle the pressing plant this time so I don’t eff up again?

Chrisis Lindarseon: Great idea Kim! I love being in this band! Really, I do!

Milly: Woo-Hoo!

New Bass Player: *claps along*

Jussi Mypeabrainoski: Hey, look! A donut!

Dilbert Whorefinder: *cringe* That’s not esoteric or enlightened enough, otherwise I would have thought of it first! Ha!

Our sincerest condolences to all those who parted with money for this fancy cardboard DIY project.

lord vicar don’t fail to disappoint!

the made-up history of Kimi Kärki, continued

Following on from our previous post, here’s another instance of our cherished buffoon, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar, trying to get credit for things he has not done:

 

You see, now he did not just collaborate with a doom metal frontman, he became one himself…

If anyone knows when and where exactly Kimi Kärki has been a “doom metal frontman”, please do let us know.

Twice bad, that he posted this on the Reverend Bizarre page, knowing full well he was never their “frontman”… But the truth flees at the sight of our Lil’Kim.

the made-up history of Kimi Kärki, continued

standing on the shoulders of giants

As you might be aware, if you follow trendy social networking sites, Kimi Kärki’s second solo album, “Eye for an Eye”, came out last week to rapturous applause by… ehhm, Kimi’s mates, mostly. Among the album’s nine (that’s 9!) tracks, just the one features a guest appearance from Patrick Walker, singer/songwriter of Warning and 40 Watt Sun, which is something Kimi wants to make sure everyone knows about:

With such repetitive bashing on the head, one could be forgiven for thinking that this is actually a Patrick Walker release (for which Kimi is simply collecting the royalties, natch!). Which might as well be what the latter wants.

And yet, we’re just cherry-picking here, as we’d need an entire blog to include all instances where the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar casually name-dropped Pat while pimping his new album… But those examples are enough to give you an idea of the lengths some people are willing to go to, to shift some more units.

You didn’t see as many mentions of the other guests on the album, for example, did you? That’s because, unlike Warning and 40 Watt Sun, they actually sell LESS (if any) copies than Kimi, and therefore do not qualify as platforms in Dr. Kärki’s cunning marketing plan…

Rumours that the japanese pressing (ho! ho!) of the album will include a cover of “With a Little Help from my Friends” have not been confirmed as of going to press…

Image

Kimi Kärki manages to release “Eye for an Eye” !

After a pathetically pathetic year and a half, including a “delayed” and faulty CD version of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”, an LP version of the same album that has been rescheduled more times than we care to count, and a “pushed back” release date for “Eye for an Eye” itself, Kimi Kärki’s second solo album WAS released last friday…

 

We don’t know what’s more fancy, the gatefold cover or that lovely wallpaper in Kimi’s music room…

Naturally, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar spammed the same post on other facebook profiles he controls as well, including the Reverend Bizarre page:

 

Because Kim might not need a mask anymore, but he certainly craves the success his old band once had, a success that he has failed to reach himself in nearly a decade…

The same info was of course also rehashed on Lord Vicar’s page:

 

…although we’d venture that Lord Vicar fans might have appreciated an update on the much-maligned “Gates of Flesh” vinyl instead…

But Kimi always looks on the bright side of things, the good things in life. Is the LV vinyl you pre-ordered delayed AGAIN? Why not purchase “Eye for an Eye” while you’re waiting? Here’s the link, by your selectively informative friend, Dr. Kärki…

Congrats on making at least one release happen, Peter! We’re so proud of you! And we’ll be back to discuss some more things in the not too distant future…

Kimi Kärki manages to release “Eye for an Eye” !