Archaeological find baffles scientists !

A rotten pile of excrement was discovered last Saturday night in Turku, Finland, in the vicinity of Köydenpunojankatu. Saturday night revellers noticed a strong stench, which they traced to a massive cornucopia of ordure. Local archaeology enthusiast Vaalea Pullukka takes up the story:

“Carbon dating determines the manure heap to be exactly four decades old, making it an important find for the area!”, she beams with excitement. “At first, the locals mistook it for a man, due to its massive size and irregular shape, but it became clear even to them, that this is only faeces.”

“I could have sworn I heard it sing!”, says Jarmo M., a slightly inebriated local at the nearby watering hole, “but there’s no way this smell could be emanating from anything remotely human…”. He blushes, with obvious embarrassment.

Whilst its age has been accurately determined, the origins of the excreta have not been defined. Locals have largely guessed at canine or equestrian sources, but the circumstances under which such a large volume of excrement could have been produced remain a mystery.

Further tests revealed the pile to have the following attributes:

I. impressive flexibility

II. melts upon exposure to south american vaginal secretions

III. an unmistakable attraction to money

IV. an advanced state of rot

“The pile absorbs food at an alarming speed, to maintain its body mass. There’s an undeniable necessity and greed to its consumption rate. It seems like it intends to be the largest, stinkiest pile of dung in the whole of Finland!”, concludes a noticeably enamoured area resident. “There’s no stopping its ambition for ultimate egesta supremacy!”.

The lab tests continue, we will sure keep our readers up to date with any further developments.

Archaeological find baffles scientists !

The time of one hit wonders is certainly not over !

Finnish wonder nerds Tähtiportti released a new album and video this month. While we left the full album listening session for some other, insomnia-ridden, time, we could not possibly pass on the opportunity to watch the video.

True to form, and to their higher art, the video throws together as many images as you could possibly get by googling “symbols”, in an effort to visualize the personality of Sami Hynninen, who would casually drop as many occult references, as wishful support to his enlightenment claims… Our heads literally hurt with the attempt to decode all its rich imagery… Is that the head of Mickey Mouse, or the three organic, wholemeal bread rolls that Sami had for breakfast? Was that a pyramid with the eye of the illuminati, or the constipation treatment he had to imbibe afterwards? The questions are simply too profound for our common minds…

If you like riddles, you can watch the video here:

And if you’ve got money to burn, a hearty dose of enlightenment goes for a measly 6 euros (:less than a Hesburger happy meal), over ‘ere:

https://tahtiportti.bandcamp.com/album/eetterimessu

According to the Svart press release, Tähtiportti are “a veritable who’s who of the Finnish left=field music scene”, who kindly request you “open your bowels” and “let the stream flow”. A refreshing change from the more commonplace artists who create behind closed doors, this is an insightful admission of the Tähtiportti creative process.

Finally, and for some veritable eye candy, feast your eyes on this promo pic:

Kun musta lyijypeite valahtaa hartioilta

The guy on the far right (no pun intended) used to be in a C.O.T.D. band, you know. And he’s currently in another. Please stop smirking.

The time of one hit wonders is certainly not over !

The Trials and Tribulations of Peter Vicar

Life is full of difficult decisions. On the one hand, you’re almost 40 (more on that next week!), a family man, a career person, and a recognized online academic. You want to be rid of the remnants of your foolish youth. On the other, if you cut off your manly mane, how are you gonna convince the punters that you are still totally doom metal, so they part with their cash for your brand new, and “deliberately shorter” album?

It’s a tough call. Obviously, you are an educated man, so your mind is racing back to the ancient Greeks, and their “Παν μέτρον άριστον“. The median is always the best. The safest way, the straight and narrow, no confusion, no surprise, as another, English, poet once wrote.

That’s how you end up rocking the toilets of North London with a mop known as “the Kurt Cobain”. Or “the Taylor Swift”, depending on who you ask…

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How very, very C.O.T.D.

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