Maybe if they gave a free copy of “Gates of Flesh” with every purchase? That might help, no?
Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.
These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.
Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.
While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:
“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland
“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia
“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]
“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK
“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile
The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!
After much discussion and adjudication, our panel of experts have agreed, unanimously!
Every home should have one!
while you are surrounded by family
please spare a thought
less fortunate ones,
who play gigs to no one.
We’re slowly catching up on happenings in the idiot camp during our autumn break, which most of us spent sight-seeing in Sweden while researching a forthcoming article…
So, in the Sami Albert camp, everyone’s favourite whiny kid finally released his masterpiece, Droner:
The album carries on the Sami Albert tradition of truly esoteric releases with multiple layers waiting to reward the loyal buyer with attention to detail…
Paganini’s hand on the cover, for example, is a symbol of Sami’s inability to play any instrument anywhere near the skill level of the old master. But that’s no reason not to put it on the cover, if girls like Tamara get impressed and agree to give you a handjob. For less than their usual fee!
We’re not gonna lie, the writers of this blog have been unable to complete even one playthrough of the album. Most of us clicked off after the first two uneventful minutes, while the one who persisted on for a while longer had to be hospitalized when the vocals kicked in. He’s fine now, and his ribs ache only slightly while laughing.
The album however, got rave reviews from all of Sami’s mates who get freebie copies for “review” purposes. He’s painstakingly posting those reviews on his facebook page, in a sincere yet ludicrous attempt to lure buyers.
One place where the album did not go down well is the Official Chilean Reverend Bizarre Fan Club Forum: http://www.tirania.cl/moneygrab.html
The most common issue among forum users, despite being obviously grateful for a new album from the inimitable genius of Sami Albert, is that, yet again, Sami chose not to record some of his best songs, like “Overwhelm Me, Butt Sorrow”, “Lament for the Fiddlers of Tamara’s Khoto” and “The Land Beyond the Dancing Pole”.
Sami’s Chilean fans, who closely follow Sami’s “secret gigs” with his obscure projects Werwolf Lodge, Tähtipölhö and Javla Fitta are heartbroken that Sami won’t give them official studio versions for those live favourites.
But Sami has a well-earned reputation for not catering to his fans’ wishes, however faithfully they might support him. Cheer up, Chilean fans, you can always enjoy those songs in the live bootlegs!
If you fancy a listen to Sami’s laughable attempts at “music”, click here: https://opiumwarlords.bandcamp.com/album/droner
Aaand we will return with a coupla more Droner-inspired articles in the not too distant future…
So, while our writers were absorbed elsewhere, Lord Vicar finally sneaked out their vinyl version of “Gates of Flesh”… Turns out the “something special and never seen before in the Doom metal history” is a piece of cardboard that folds out as you open the vinyl sleeve. We’re not kidding:
No doubt this seems fascinating if you are a village boy from Finland who got lucky and rode the broomstick of (relative) success for like 14 minutes on the back of someone else.
We imagine the executive meeting that led to this idea along the lines of…
Kimi Kärki: This would look so cool! All our 5-year-old-brained fans will love it!
Oliver Richleech: wunderbar! Can someone handle the pressing plant this time so I don’t eff up again?
Chrisis Lindarseon: Great idea Kim! I love being in this band! Really, I do!
New Bass Player: *claps along*
Jussi Mypeabrainoski: Hey, look! A donut!
Dilbert Whorefinder: *cringe* That’s not esoteric or enlightened enough, otherwise I would have thought of it first! Ha!
Our sincerest condolences to all those who parted with money for this fancy cardboard DIY project.
Three months on from this post, more than a month on from the date given therein:
…and no one has seen a copy of the vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”.
There are no official announcements or outgoing emails from either the band or The Church Within / Doom Dealer. No explanations, no apologies.
And yet Kimi Kärki remains a prolific poster of junk on facebook, Lord Vicar post links to gig reviews where they’re proclaimed “masters”, but no one sees the need to keep pre-order buyers informed.
Lord Vicar, and The Church Within: Stalwarts of true professionalism!