Like, anyone AT ALL?
Like, anyone AT ALL?
Hi Ol, the drummer and I have a new album ready to record, we need money for the studio.
The drummer and you? What happened to the other two?
Nothing happened. They just don’t count. The one’s a drunk, the other’s an idiot. The drummer and I make the albums, the other two just tag along. So, how soon can you give us the cash?
There’s no cash. I made no money from your last record. I actually lost a lot.
And whose fault is that, you illiterate idiot?
Not mine. The factory spoke the colonialist language of the layman instead of the superior aryan one.
You didn’t add the index numbers, you dumb prat.
As I said, not my fault. There’s no money for another record.
Guess I’ll have to call The Miskatonic Foundation then…
Ok, there might be a way to make back the money I lost on YOUR faulty CDs.
You give me two albums of your previous band to re-release, I make some sweet dough, there might be some for you.
Are you nuts? I don’t own the rights to those.
We’ll ask the label, then.
No, you have to ask the emo kid first. He has to give permission.
I don’t want to deal with the emo kid.
Well, that’s the way it has to be.
Ok, I ask the emo kid.
And what if he says no?
I do it anyway.
He’ll go nuts.
He can cry all night if he wants to.
We won’t hear the end of it.
That mexican woman got him to do worse.
She’s not mexican. And she had a powerful weapon that we don’t.
That grande panocha was really grande.
You may not have a panocha, but you are one.
You are a panocha too.
At least I’m a panocha who loves money.
No one loves money more than I do!
Really? Guess who already contacted the label and got the rights for those two albums…
Seriously? We’re in deep shit.
No shit. You’ll pretend you didn’t know either. Then you’ll handle it publicly, on facebook. Tell him some crap about getting over it and learning from it and focusing on something positive.
He’s a cry baby.
Well, let him cry.
I’m not sure about this.
Well, I lost money on your last album, so I’m doing it anyway. It’s just a case of whether you help me, and then I might help you. Make another album, that is.
Yes. Just don’t announce the CDs until they’re out and he can’t stop it.
Deal. Now tell me, was that brazilian woman’s panocha so powerful?
He used to walk around with her panties in his pocket, to sniff at if he felt lonely, or got a panic attack. The stench would clear any confined space he walked into. He was banned from shopping malls and shops and rode the bus alone, with the bus driver cursing at him. Does that give you an idea?
Oh my. Such potential. Do you think she might be interested in joining my label? As an A&R rep or something prestigious like that?
F off, Oli.
Bye, Kim. Feel free to call back when you want money for the studio, you fat twat. Ha ha.
Following on from our previous post, there’s a Kimi Kärki tidbit that we’d like to expand on… You see, dear readers, we absolutely do not believe that Kimi Kärki did not know about those re-releases in advance. Not. For. A. Second.
If you read the facebook thread carefully (which he himself posted), it becomes apparent that it was a political move, to placate his record label (with whom he’s releasing another Lord Vicar album this spring -unless Oli effs up again, that is), and diffuse the situation with his former bandmate, Albertino Von Doom…
His parting post speaks volumes to those of us who remember Kimi Kärki as the bigot Peter Vicar, mouthing off on the Hellride forums from the safety of his computer:
He “wants to focus on something positive instead”, righty-o. That must have been his saving grace through it all…
Your fans got ripped off by someone who pretended to be your and their friend? Hey, no worries, “focus on something positive instead”! Just remember to tell those who speak the truth to “shut the F**k up” first…
Your new CD is one track? No problems here, send out the faulty CDs and “focus on something positive instead”. Job done, money in the bank!
Your solo albums go from discounted price to discounted price? Absolutely no need to fret whatsoever: “focus on something positive instead”! It just means your “art” is too high profile for the consuming masses. Better unsold, than in the homes of undeserving lowlifes.
Dearest readers, learn from this wise master of positive thinking, and welcome the new year under the spectre of positive focus. And make sure you buy those Reverend Bizarre re-releases from The Church Within. Because Sami and Oli need some positive vibes as well.
Happy new year!
Joy to the world indeed, dear readers, as recently there was such mirth generated on Reverend Bizarre’s facebook page that it took us a few days to recover…
Long story short, a news item was posted on Reverend Bizarre’s facebook page (which we are told is run by Peter Vicar, or Kimi Kärki), concerning the CD re-release of two Reverend Bizarre albums on The Church Within label. Business as usual, then.
You see, starving artist Albert Witchfinder was not informed of the re-releases until his beloved (no jokes please) former bandmate made that post. Cue endless tirades on his Total Control clauses, cutting commentary by a metal-archives moderator, responses by a dude with a german name who seems to jump into assumptions very easily, and laughable patronising posts by Peter Vicar (or Kimi Kärki), himself.
This is the post that started it all…
And you can read the hilarity that ensued for yourselves, here:
All told, this Oli Richling bloke is moving stealthily to usurp Kimi Kärki as the most underhand individual in doom metal. The 2018 backstabbing awards will be difficult to vote for.
Meanwhile, can someone please confirm that those two CDs are indeed one track? Because basically, those albums have to be listened as continuous journeys, not track here, track there. This is at least the way we prefer it to be experienced, and it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and think of Oli counting his money, while Sami is crying in the far corner. Poor thing.
Wonder boi Sami Alberthas once again taken to the facebooks to alert his fans (ho hum) about an impressive price decrease on his Opium Warlords album “Taste My Sword of Understanding”…
We did follow the link to the Svart shop, where our jaws dropped at the realisation that the price had actually been almost halved:
Whereupon, dear readers, we raged at this incredible injustice!
Why should a respectable label have to release parp that no one wants to buy, thus forcing them to significantly lower the price?
Why should a true artist, like Sami Albert, who insists on TOTAL CONTROL, have to suffer the indiginity of such a disinterest in his work, his labour of love?
And, most importantly, why are there still copies available, two weeks after such an insulting reduction?
Times are hard for True Art, dear readers…
Alas, further confusion awaited us, as we noticed the slight difference in the discount between the black and gold vinyl versions:
We staggered in response, as, to us, all of Sami’s work is gold, and also black. Decidedly black!
Please, dear readers, we implore you, empty your pockets and purchase those rare, sought-after items on offer, those fine specimens of Great Art, produced under TOTAL CONTROL!
Let no copy henceforth gather dust on the cold shelves of the record label’s storage unit.
Allow this labour of love to bring hope and enlightenment to your homes!
Let the sounds therein fill you with awe and wonder!
Help poor, poor Sami make some money…
Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.
These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.
Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.
While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:
“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland
“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia
“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]
“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK
“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile
The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!
After much discussion and adjudication, our panel of experts have agreed, unanimously!
Every home should have one!
while you are surrounded by family
please spare a thought
less fortunate ones,
who play gigs to no one.