Maybe if they gave a free copy of “Gates of Flesh” with every purchase? That might help, no?
After much discussion and adjudication, our panel of experts have agreed, unanimously!
Every home should have one!
while you are surrounded by family
please spare a thought
less fortunate ones,
who play gigs to no one.
We’re slowly catching up on happenings in the idiot camp during our autumn break, which most of us spent sight-seeing in Sweden while researching a forthcoming article…
So, in the Sami Albert camp, everyone’s favourite whiny kid finally released his masterpiece, Droner:
The album carries on the Sami Albert tradition of truly esoteric releases with multiple layers waiting to reward the loyal buyer with attention to detail…
Paganini’s hand on the cover, for example, is a symbol of Sami’s inability to play any instrument anywhere near the skill level of the old master. But that’s no reason not to put it on the cover, if girls like Tamara get impressed and agree to give you a handjob. For less than their usual fee!
We’re not gonna lie, the writers of this blog have been unable to complete even one playthrough of the album. Most of us clicked off after the first two uneventful minutes, while the one who persisted on for a while longer had to be hospitalized when the vocals kicked in. He’s fine now, and his ribs ache only slightly while laughing.
The album however, got rave reviews from all of Sami’s mates who get freebie copies for “review” purposes. He’s painstakingly posting those reviews on his facebook page, in a sincere yet ludicrous attempt to lure buyers.
One place where the album did not go down well is the Official Chilean Reverend Bizarre Fan Club Forum: http://www.tirania.cl/moneygrab.html
The most common issue among forum users, despite being obviously grateful for a new album from the inimitable genius of Sami Albert, is that, yet again, Sami chose not to record some of his best songs, like “Overwhelm Me, Butt Sorrow”, “Lament for the Fiddlers of Tamara’s Khoto” and “The Land Beyond the Dancing Pole”.
Sami’s Chilean fans, who closely follow Sami’s “secret gigs” with his obscure projects Werwolf Lodge, Tähtipölhö and Javla Fitta are heartbroken that Sami won’t give them official studio versions for those live favourites.
But Sami has a well-earned reputation for not catering to his fans’ wishes, however faithfully they might support him. Cheer up, Chilean fans, you can always enjoy those songs in the live bootlegs!
If you fancy a listen to Sami’s laughable attempts at “music”, click here: https://opiumwarlords.bandcamp.com/album/droner
Aaand we will return with a coupla more Droner-inspired articles in the not too distant future…
So, while our writers were absorbed elsewhere, Lord Vicar finally sneaked out their vinyl version of “Gates of Flesh”… Turns out the “something special and never seen before in the Doom metal history” is a piece of cardboard that folds out as you open the vinyl sleeve. We’re not kidding:
No doubt this seems fascinating if you are a village boy from Finland who got lucky and rode the broomstick of (relative) success for like 14 minutes on the back of someone else.
We imagine the executive meeting that led to this idea along the lines of…
Kimi Kärki: This would look so cool! All our 5-year-old-brained fans will love it!
Oliver Richleech: wunderbar! Can someone handle the pressing plant this time so I don’t eff up again?
Chrisis Lindarseon: Great idea Kim! I love being in this band! Really, I do!
New Bass Player: *claps along*
Jussi Mypeabrainoski: Hey, look! A donut!
Dilbert Whorefinder: *cringe* That’s not esoteric or enlightened enough, otherwise I would have thought of it first! Ha!
Our sincerest condolences to all those who parted with money for this fancy cardboard DIY project.
After a pathetically pathetic year and a half, including a “delayed” and faulty CD version of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”, an LP version of the same album that has been rescheduled more times than we care to count, and a “pushed back” release date for “Eye for an Eye” itself, Kimi Kärki’s second solo album WAS released last friday…
We don’t know what’s more fancy, the gatefold cover or that lovely wallpaper in Kimi’s music room…
Naturally, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar spammed the same post on other facebook profiles he controls as well, including the Reverend Bizarre page:
Because Kim might not need a mask anymore, but he certainly craves the success his old band once had, a success that he has failed to reach himself in nearly a decade…
The same info was of course also rehashed on Lord Vicar’s page:
…although we’d venture that Lord Vicar fans might have appreciated an update on the much-maligned “Gates of Flesh” vinyl instead…
But Kimi always looks on the bright side of things, the good things in life. Is the LV vinyl you pre-ordered delayed AGAIN? Why not purchase “Eye for an Eye” while you’re waiting? Here’s the link, by your selectively informative friend, Dr. Kärki…
Congrats on making at least one release happen, Peter! We’re so proud of you! And we’ll be back to discuss some more things in the not too distant future…