a gentleman’s agreement

Hi Ol, the drummer and I have a new album ready to record, we need money for the studio.

The drummer and you? What happened to the other two?

Nothing happened. They just don’t count. The one’s a drunk, the other’s an idiot. The drummer and I make the albums, the other two just tag along. So, how soon can you give us the cash?

There’s no cash. I made no money from your last record. I actually lost a lot.

And whose fault is that, you illiterate idiot?

Not mine. The factory spoke the colonialist language of the layman instead of the superior aryan one.

You didn’t add the index numbers, you dumb prat.

As I said, not my fault. There’s no money for another record.

Guess I’ll have to call The Miskatonic Foundation then…

Ok, there might be a way to make back the money I lost on YOUR faulty CDs.

What’s that?

You give me two albums of your previous band to re-release, I make some sweet dough, there might be some for you.

Are you nuts? I don’t own the rights to those.

Who does?

The label.

We’ll ask the label, then.

No, you have to ask the emo kid first. He has to give permission.

I don’t want to deal with the emo kid.

Well, that’s the way it has to be.

Ok, I ask the emo kid.

And what if he says no?

I do it anyway.

He’ll go nuts.

He can cry all night if he wants to.

We won’t hear the end of it.

That mexican woman got him to do worse.

She’s not mexican. And she had a powerful weapon that we don’t.

What weapon?

That grande panocha was really grande.

You may not have a panocha, but you are one.

You are a panocha too.

At least I’m a panocha who loves money.

No one loves money more than I do!

Really? Guess who already contacted the label and got the rights for those two albums…

Seriously? We’re in deep shit.

No shit. You’ll pretend you didn’t know either. Then you’ll handle it publicly, on facebook. Tell him some crap about getting over it and learning from it and focusing on something positive.

He’s a cry baby.

Well, let him cry.

I’m not sure about this.

Well, I lost money on your last album, so I’m doing it anyway. It’s just a case of whether you help me, and then I might help you. Make another album, that is.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes. Just don’t announce the CDs until they’re out and he can’t stop it.

Deal. Now tell me, was that brazilian woman’s panocha so powerful?

He used to walk around with her panties in his pocket, to sniff at if he felt lonely, or got a panic attack. The stench would clear any confined space he walked into. He was banned from shopping malls and shops and rode the bus alone, with the bus driver cursing at him. Does that give you an idea?

Oh my. Such potential. Do you think she might be interested in joining my label?  As an A&R rep or something prestigious like that?

F off, Oli.

Bye, Kim. Feel free to call back when you want money for the studio, you fat twat. Ha ha.

*line dies

a gentleman’s agreement

the devaluation of true art continues…

Wonder boi Sami Albert Hynninen has once again taken to the facebooks to alert his fans (ho hum) about an impressive price decrease on his Opium Warlords album “Taste My Sword of Understanding”…

We did follow the link to the Svart shop, where our jaws dropped at the realisation that the price had actually been almost halved:

Whereupon, dear readers, we raged at this incredible injustice!

Why should a respectable label have to release parp that no one wants to buy, thus forcing them to significantly lower the price?

Why should a true artist, like Sami Albert Hynninen, who insists on TOTAL CONTROL, have to suffer the indiginity of such a disinterest in his work, his labour of love?

And, most importantly, why are there still copies available, two weeks after such an insulting reduction?

Times are hard for True Art, dear readers…

Alas, further confusion awaited us, as we noticed the slight difference in the discount between the black and gold vinyl versions:

 

We staggered in response, as, to us, all of Sami’s work is gold, and also black. Decidedly black!

Please, dear readers, we implore you, empty your pockets and purchase those rare, sought-after items on offer, those fine specimens of Great Art, produced under TOTAL CONTROL!

Let no copy henceforth gather dust on the cold shelves of the record label’s storage unit.

Allow this labour of love to bring hope and enlightenment to your homes!

Let the sounds therein fill you with awe and wonder!

Help poor, poor Sami make some money…

the devaluation of true art continues…

men in black: C.O.T.D. version

“Look right here. You did not pay in good faith for a faulty disc. No, you didn’t.”

Image

A Grim Anniversary

Reverend Bizarre celebrated the 15th anniversary of the release of their debut album some days ago, on March 28th… They received plenty of responses from well-wishers and fans who, however, were not fans at the time.

Meanwhile, today marks nine (9!) years since that inaugural post on Reverend Bizarre’s forum…

by some weeks

And, even though the “some weeks” have turned into, like, more than 400 weeks, the members of Reverend Bizarre are working hard to ensure justice for their ripped-off fans…

The dough did not come out of their own pockets, you see…

We raise our flute glasses to make a toast, and we sign off this post with the opening track of both the said record, and their debut, for no other reason…

Happy anniversary, boys! Rest assured, your legacy is set in stone!

 

 

 

Image

Kimi Kärki really wants to sell you his misprint CDs!

Following on from our previous post, to which Lord Vicar and/or their record label have not replied, here’s a selective history of Kimi Kärki’s attempts to flog you those misprint CDs, you know, the ones where you can’t actually select a track like on 99.9% of other CDs…

We say “selective”, as we’re leaving out certain posts, and all “reviews”. We do have a few issues to pick with some of the reviews, but that’s perhaps a story for another day…

So, here’s the first tidbit, barely a week after the “all CDs are misprints but we’ve already sent them out anyway and there’s absolutely nothing to be done about it” announcement:

wish

“Wish they all got the new album” is a bit of a wishful thinking, Kimi Kärki, especially as you have never sold 7400 copies of ANYTHING you’ve made post-Reverend Bizarre. We doubt your cumulative record sales hit that number.

Also interesting to note that the post about the misprint did not show on Lord Vicar’s fans’ feed. Coincidence, or another cunning trick by a desperate has-been? We know which one our money’s on…

Two more weeks later…

break like the wind

Again, no mention of the eccentricities of “the new album on CD”. Those rags sure look cool, though. We need some to dust our office shelves with.

A month later, sales presumably still lacking in numbers, here’s another reminder of where you can get “Birth of Wine” from. You won’t be able to listen to it as a standalone track, though. A fact that’s somehow omitted from the post. Ho hum.

whine

A look on the Church Within / Doom Dealer website tells us that there’s no mention whatsoever about the CD’s one-track mind there, either, the tracklisting is still divided in individual tracks, as it should have been on the CD, BUT ISN’T, while the now ridiculous “Deliberately shorter than previous albums, the band sought to concentrate their trademark heaviness into shorter, punchier songs” promo blurb has been left anyway, possibly in a vague attempt to disguise facts… Sad, actually.

blurb

We saved the best for last:

collector's delight

Nothing to add, really. If anyone finds a missing spine in the general Turku area, please contact the blog and we’ll do our best to reunite it with its former owner.

Kimi Kärki really wants to sell you his misprint CDs!

An open letter to Lord Vicar and The Church Within Records / Doom Dealer.

First of all, here’s a timeline of the delayed release of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh”, on The Church Within Records, and available via the label’s distro, Doom Dealer (DE):

quality first

patience

celebrate you fools!

as ye give ye shall receiveth

absolutely no spine

cult item

So, upon receiving the CDs, Oliver Richling opened one on the spot, “as always […] to check everything with his pressing plants”, thus he spotted the booklets, but he did not put an actual CD in a CD player? Neither right then, nor at any time from the 27th of May until the 17th of June? The actual music is not part of the “everything” he needs to check?

That’s not just hard to believe, it’s impossible to fathom. Reverend Bizarre had a well-documented history of checking and re-checking their releases before they’re actually released (and at least a few instances when this was not applied, to their -and their fans’- detriment), and a similar ethic has been evident on all post-RB releases that involved either Kimi or Sami.

But we guess, it was easier just to deceive the fans who had bought the album on pre-sales, send the packages out with no notice or option given, and then say “the packets are on their way, there is absolutely nothing that can be done”…

Going on, the band’s press release includes some more damage control, in the form of  “This is at least the way we prefer it to be experienced, and […] it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and play on eleven!!!”.

What was the point in making the songs “deliberately shorter and punchier” then? Who are you trying to fool this time, Kimi Kärki ?

While  shortchanging his fans is nothing new for Peter Vicar, who allowed thieves to rip off his fans and then sat back and did “absolutely nothing” (sound familiar?), we expected a bit more professionalism from you, Oli. You seemed like a genuine person, whenever we chatted over your merch table… Why could you not inform those who purchased the album on pre-orders, instead of sending them the CD and hiding behind Kimi’s “there’s absolutely nothing that can be done”?

Boo, hiss, etc, etc.

An open letter to Lord Vicar and The Church Within Records / Doom Dealer.

Why buy just once, when you can buy twice? [vol.1]

Sami Hynninen and his lovely friend Jari (aka Earl of Void) have re-released their KLV ep for Record Store Day 2015 (that was yesterday)… Although all the material included had already been available on “Niin Musta On Maa”, the CD that many, many Reverend Bizarre fans ordered from Sami’s good friends in Chile, but few actually received, or saw a refund for.

klv

 

So, now that good and kind Sami has decked his faraway friends with enough cash to live the good life and take annual trips to the Roadburn Festival with, the time has finally come for the artists to make some money as well…

You can reward Sami and Jari for getting you ripped off and then saying they had nothing to do with it by buying KLV’s “Valkeus” ep from Levykauppa X:

http://www.recordshopx.com/svart_records/single/klv/valkeus/

which also sells the original Emissary records CD:

http://www.levykauppax.fi/artist/klv/niin_musta_on_maa/

So, which one should you go for? Hmm, decisions, decisions… Get them both, we here at DWA say… Nothing is as fulfilling as lining the pockets of greedy irresponsible “artists”.

Why buy just once, when you can buy twice? [vol.1]