Single white male WLTM record label for serious relationship, maybe more

Sami Albert “Witchfinder” Hynninen, former Doom Metal musician that actually sold records, and currently a self-styled pop idol and true artist, has recently reached out to all and sundry, with a heart-wrenching message…

Harry Porter and the Idiot from Lohja

The plight of unsigned bands is not lost on the writers of this blog, nor is the predicament of self-absorbed village boys who make music no one wants to hear yet insist on having it released in a physical format, in the year 2019…

What we don’t get is why would Sami forego the options he has at his immediate disposal, such as…

I. Tyrannus/Emissary Records. Sami’s old friends. Over ten years ago, with Reverend Bizarre only recently split-up, Albert Witchfinder could have literally gone with any label he wanted to release an old, four-track demo, and he chose this one, to impress a lady friend. Things may have turned sour afterwards, on both fronts, but the fact remains that Sami’s humanitarian misson is not finished. Pato needs a steady influx of cash, if he is to rise above the socioeconomical situation 16th century colonialism imposed on him, not a one-off. And poor, good-hearted Tamara will need a good capital to start her new life, when she can have her own european passport and does not need to pretend anymore. Sami, give those wonderful people a call! Nothing says kvlt like having released something in Chile…

II. The Church Within Records. Let’s face it, if Sami’s new, less mainstream than Reverend Bizarre band, Pussies, has any money-making potential, Oli can always go behind Sami’s back and release it anyway. So why not join them, if you can’t beat them? As added bonuses, the label can hook up Pussies with Lord Vicar for a tour, and/or release the split as a one-track CD. It’s a no-brainer.

III. Svart Records. The long suffering friends of the ex-members of Lohja COTD purists Reverend Bizarre, Svart records have put out an insane amount of records recorded by Sami and Kimi that no one wants to buy, just so they can retain vinyl reissue rights on the hot bun Reverend Bizarre back catalogue… One more split 12″ LP destined to gather dust on the shelf won’t break the bank, surely?

IV. Sami’s own, indie label. Yet to be started, but an inescapable eventuality… Sooner or later Sami will start one, to release his own music, and also get some pussy (see what we did here?)… You read it here first.

Whichever of these options this grand master of true art opts for, we simply cannot wait for this masterpiece to finally be made available to the numerous fans who crave Sami’s post-2008 output… We can blast it on the beach in Ibiza all summer, on our special, waterproof turntable, while others enjoy themselves in the familiar comfort of the abyss.

 

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Single white male WLTM record label for serious relationship, maybe more

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Apologies for the slight delay since our last post, dear readers, but those of us who don’t mind going to the beach often find our priorities shifted and our time consumed easily.

Unlike blog sweetheart Sami Albert Hynninen, for example, who is busy planning the mixing sessions for Opium Warlords’ “Droner”, an album three years in the making…

That long gestation period places it in a contest with that other special release by Alberto’s former best mate Dicky Tosser from Yorkshire, who is also working on an album for a few years now (it sez here!), and of course Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” vinyl version, which has been foretold of for over a year now and still hasn’t materialised… Let’s see who wins the golden trophy among our noble competitors. Our money is on Kimi, seeing as he’s slimey and quick despite his considerable size.

Besides his hard work on “Droner”, Sami also found time to oversee a hand-bound reprint of “Tabula Obscura”, a comic book he co-authored with some other guys:

 

Priced at just 90 euros plus postage (which should be hefty in itself, judging by the book’s size and paper quality), it’s a veritable steal for punters, Reverend Bizarre fans with more money than sense, and those of you looking for tinder paper for your Summer Solstice (today, yo!) bonfire…

It’s unverified, but we have received reports that the impressive volume is lovingly hand-bound and shipped by Tamara and Pato, Sami’s best friends and business associates.

Please, place an order, dear readers, and be part of Sami’s “Get Rich Quick” scheme!

You can be assured of the quality of the book, because Sami Albert likes to maintain TOTAL CONTROL over whatever he pushes for you to buy:

 

Something that has worked well for Sami so far, except for that Reverend Bizarre “Magick with Tears” 2LP, the KLV “Niin Musta on Maa” compilation, the March 15th “Our Love Becomes a Funeral Pyre” EP… You sort of see where we’re getting at. So. TOTAL CONTROL. In ALL CAPS, to ensure you believe it.

Reserve your copy of this TOTALLy CONTROLLed Collector’s Item today, so Sami can think about maybe going to the beach after all. The one in Lohja, beside the dumpster and the drunk hipsters.

More news on ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend coming soon, we promise, as all camps have been busy and we are delighted to report on such splendid folk!

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…