Single white male WLTM record label for serious relationship, maybe more

Sami Albert “Witchfinder” Hynninen, former Doom Metal musician that actually sold records, and currently a self-styled pop idol and true artist, has recently reached out to all and sundry, with a heart-wrenching message…

Harry Porter and the Idiot from Lohja

The plight of unsigned bands is not lost on the writers of this blog, nor is the predicament of self-absorbed village boys who make music no one wants to hear yet insist on having it released in a physical format, in the year 2019…

What we don’t get is why would Sami forego the options he has at his immediate disposal, such as…

I. Tyrannus/Emissary Records. Sami’s old friends. Over ten years ago, with Reverend Bizarre only recently split-up, Albert Witchfinder could have literally gone with any label he wanted to release an old, four-track demo, and he chose this one, to impress a lady friend. Things may have turned sour afterwards, on both fronts, but the fact remains that Sami’s humanitarian misson is not finished. Pato needs a steady influx of cash, if he is to rise above the socioeconomical situation 16th century colonialism imposed on him, not a one-off. And poor, good-hearted Tamara will need a good capital to start her new life, when she can have her own european passport and does not need to pretend anymore. Sami, give those wonderful people a call! Nothing says kvlt like having released something in Chile…

II. The Church Within Records. Let’s face it, if Sami’s new, less mainstream than Reverend Bizarre band, Pussies, has any money-making potential, Oli can always go behind Sami’s back and release it anyway. So why not join them, if you can’t beat them? As added bonuses, the label can hook up Pussies with Lord Vicar for a tour, and/or release the split as a one-track CD. It’s a no-brainer.

III. Svart Records. The long suffering friends of the ex-members of Lohja COTD purists Reverend Bizarre, Svart records have put out an insane amount of records recorded by Sami and Kimi that no one wants to buy, just so they can retain vinyl reissue rights on the hot bun Reverend Bizarre back catalogue… One more split 12″ LP destined to gather dust on the shelf won’t break the bank, surely?

IV. Sami’s own, indie label. Yet to be started, but an inescapable eventuality… Sooner or later Sami will start one, to release his own music, and also get some pussy (see what we did here?)… You read it here first.

Whichever of these options this grand master of true art opts for, we simply cannot wait for this masterpiece to finally be made available to the numerous fans who crave Sami’s post-2008 output… We can blast it on the beach in Ibiza all summer, on our special, waterproof turntable, while others enjoy themselves in the familiar comfort of the abyss.

 

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Single white male WLTM record label for serious relationship, maybe more

Lord Vicar to attempt another CD pressing!

Lord Vicar have annouced the release of their next album, The Black Powder, on the respectable The Church Within label. You know, the kind that goes behind artists’ backs to re-release sure-sellers, or which sends out faulty CDs to those who were naive enough to pre-order…

Will the CD version of the album be a fan-pleasing single track one again, or will the otherwise resilient Kimi Kärki succumb to industry pressure and allow his fans to pick tracks this time?

We’ll find out just this May!

In the meantime, let’s feast our hungry eyes on some really, really cool photos from the production of said masterpiece…

And we start with this one, a highly artistic representation of two musicians and the artist affectionately known as “Blonde Ambition”:

XL fridge

Whoever managed to distract Kimi for a few moments to take this picture, while he was surrounded by snacks and other edibles, is a master of persuasion. Deep bow!

Here is Kimi again, pulling the same face he did when Oli told him about the succesful pressing of their previous album, Gates of Flesh, which was intended to be “deliberately shorter than previous albums”, with “shorter, punchier songs”. But wasn’t.

aaarghhh

Moving on, a snapshot from the recording of The Black Powder:

oh No No please No

We love the look on Chritus’ face, bracing himself for the inevitable moment when Kimi might open his mouth to “sing”. Lol.

And finally, presumably an instance of the album’s playback:

oops I did it again

Some people don’t learn from past mistakes. It’s sad…

Lord Vicar to attempt another CD pressing!

gratuitous nachos commercial

muncho villa

Kimi Kärki, chief lyricist of renowned COTD Doom Metal band Lord Vicar (and formerly the frontman of Reverend Bizarre), recommends a diet full of carbs and processed food for a healthy lyric-writing process… Nothing like an influx of useless calories of no nutritional value to stimulate whatever limited braincells you have and open the gates of existential poetry!

gratuitous nachos commercial

a gentleman’s agreement

Hi Ol, the drummer and I have a new album ready to record, we need money for the studio.

The drummer and you? What happened to the other two?

Nothing happened. They just don’t count. The one’s a drunk, the other’s an idiot. The drummer and I make the albums, the other two just tag along. So, how soon can you give us the cash?

There’s no cash. I made no money from your last record. I actually lost a lot.

And whose fault is that, you illiterate idiot?

Not mine. The factory spoke the colonialist language of the layman instead of the superior aryan one.

You didn’t add the index numbers, you dumb prat.

As I said, not my fault. There’s no money for another record.

Guess I’ll have to call The Miskatonic Foundation then…

Ok, there might be a way to make back the money I lost on YOUR faulty CDs.

What’s that?

You give me two albums of your previous band to re-release, I make some sweet dough, there might be some for you.

Are you nuts? I don’t own the rights to those.

Who does?

The label.

We’ll ask the label, then.

No, you have to ask the emo kid first. He has to give permission.

I don’t want to deal with the emo kid.

Well, that’s the way it has to be.

Ok, I ask the emo kid.

And what if he says no?

I do it anyway.

He’ll go nuts.

He can cry all night if he wants to.

We won’t hear the end of it.

That mexican woman got him to do worse.

She’s not mexican. And she had a powerful weapon that we don’t.

What weapon?

That grande panocha was really grande.

You may not have a panocha, but you are one.

You are a panocha too.

At least I’m a panocha who loves money.

No one loves money more than I do!

Really? Guess who already contacted the label and got the rights for those two albums…

Seriously? We’re in deep shit.

No shit. You’ll pretend you didn’t know either. Then you’ll handle it publicly, on facebook. Tell him some crap about getting over it and learning from it and focusing on something positive.

He’s a cry baby.

Well, let him cry.

I’m not sure about this.

Well, I lost money on your last album, so I’m doing it anyway. It’s just a case of whether you help me, and then I might help you. Make another album, that is.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes. Just don’t announce the CDs until they’re out and he can’t stop it.

Deal. Now tell me, was that brazilian woman’s panocha so powerful?

He used to walk around with her panties in his pocket, to sniff at if he felt lonely, or got a panic attack. The stench would clear any confined space he walked into. He was banned from shopping malls and shops and rode the bus alone, with the bus driver cursing at him. Does that give you an idea?

Oh my. Such potential. Do you think she might be interested in joining my label?  As an A&R rep or something prestigious like that?

F off, Oli.

Bye, Kim. Feel free to call back when you want money for the studio, you fat twat. Ha ha.

*line dies

a gentleman’s agreement

Kimi Kärki: a true master of positivity!

Following on from our previous post, there’s a Kimi Kärki tidbit that we’d like to expand on… You see, dear readers, we absolutely do not believe that Kimi Kärki did not know about those re-releases in advance. Not. For. A. Second.

If you read the facebook thread carefully (which he himself posted), it becomes apparent that it was a political move, to placate his record label (with whom he’s releasing another Lord Vicar album this spring -unless Oli effs up again, that is), and diffuse the situation with his former bandmate, Albertino Von Doom…

His parting post speaks volumes to those of us who remember Kimi Kärki as the bigot Peter Vicar, mouthing off on the Hellride forums from the safety of his computer:

 

He “wants to focus on something positive instead”, righty-o. That must have been his saving grace through it all…

Your fans got ripped off by someone who pretended to be your and their friend? Hey, no worries, “focus on something positive instead”! Just remember to tell those who speak the truth to “shut the F**k up” first…

Your new CD is one track? No problems here, send out the faulty CDs and “focus on something positive instead”. Job done, money in the bank!

Your solo albums go from discounted price to discounted price? Absolutely no need to fret whatsoever: “focus on something positive instead”! It just means your “art” is too high profile for the consuming masses. Better unsold, than in the homes of undeserving lowlifes.

Dearest readers, learn from this wise master of positive thinking, and welcome the new year under the spectre of positive focus. And make sure you buy those Reverend Bizarre re-releases from The Church Within. Because Sami and Oli need some positive vibes as well.

Happy new year!

Kimi Kärki: a true master of positivity!

the curse of “magick with tears” strikes again!

Joy to the world indeed, dear readers, as recently there was such mirth generated on Reverend Bizarre’s facebook page that it took us a few days to recover…

Long story short, a news item was posted on Reverend Bizarre’s facebook page (which we are told is run by Peter Vicar, or Kimi Kärki), concerning the CD re-release of two Reverend Bizarre albums on The Church Within label. Business as usual, then.

Well, no.

You see, starving artist Albert Witchfinder was not informed of the re-releases until his beloved (no jokes please) former bandmate made that post. Cue endless tirades on his Total Control clauses, cutting commentary by a metal-archives moderator, responses by a dude with a german name who seems to jump into assumptions very easily, and laughable patronising posts by Peter Vicar (or Kimi Kärki), himself.

This is the post that started it all…

And you can read the hilarity that ensued for yourselves, here:

All told, this Oli Richling bloke is moving stealthily to usurp Kimi Kärki as the most underhand individual in doom metal. The 2018 backstabbing awards will be difficult to vote for.

Meanwhile, can someone please confirm that those two CDs are indeed one track? Because basically, those albums have to be listened as continuous journeys, not track here, track there. This is at least the way we prefer it to be experienced, and it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and think of Oli counting his money, while Sami is crying in the far corner. Poor thing.

 

the curse of “magick with tears” strikes again!