Kimi Kärki + Hipster girl = match made in heaven !

Our beloved reluctant artist Kimi Kärki briefly resurfaced recently in a YouTube video where Hipster Doom girl Sarah Kitteringham covers Finnish Doom:

Sarah is a lovely person. She owns lots of vinyl records that have all been released in the last 5 years, spends more time plaiting her hair than checking who actually sings in Minotauri (one of her favourite bands, yay!) and talks at length about things she doesn’t know. She’s basically a female Albert Witchfinder. No wonder she and Kim get along so well…

Advertisements
Video

Albert Witchfinder declares love for Suede, asks to join black sabbath !

The idiocy of that idiot is stupendous and monumental! We have no words…

Albert Witchfinder declares love for Suede, asks to join black sabbath !

Pussy galore !

Not content with the money he’s raking in from half-price Opium Warlords albums and Reverend Bizarre “slightly improved” reissues, fantastic wizard Sami Albert Hynninen has founded a new band, named after the only thing he has ever loved (besides money and pi**ing on his fans)…

 

True to his artistic vision, his new band’s first release, a song under three minutes in length, was made available to his loyal fanbase for a measly 69 euros… Not even 70! And still cheaper than Magick With Tears!

Although, to be fair, the website does give you the option to pay “more”… Which you should!

You are not a real Sami Albert fan unless you cough up! I mean, where else can you purchase True Art lovingly created under TOTAL CONTROL!?

On a sidenote, does anyone know where we can buy one of those t-shirts with Sami’s “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing I will ever do?” slogan? We need like a dozen for a party we’re organizing…

Pussy galore !

another tale of total controll

 

“Supervised” and even “slightly improved”… Need we say more?

Buy it again, doom fiends! Support the starving artists…

Whatever they’ve released recently does not really fly off the shelves.

Image

the devaluation of true art continues…

Wonder boi Sami Albert Hynninen has once again taken to the facebooks to alert his fans (ho hum) about an impressive price decrease on his Opium Warlords album “Taste My Sword of Understanding”…

We did follow the link to the Svart shop, where our jaws dropped at the realisation that the price had actually been almost halved:

Whereupon, dear readers, we raged at this incredible injustice!

Why should a respectable label have to release parp that no one wants to buy, thus forcing them to significantly lower the price?

Why should a true artist, like Sami Albert Hynninen, who insists on TOTAL CONTROL, have to suffer the indiginity of such a disinterest in his work, his labour of love?

And, most importantly, why are there still copies available, two weeks after such an insulting reduction?

Times are hard for True Art, dear readers…

Alas, further confusion awaited us, as we noticed the slight difference in the discount between the black and gold vinyl versions:

 

We staggered in response, as, to us, all of Sami’s work is gold, and also black. Decidedly black!

Please, dear readers, we implore you, empty your pockets and purchase those rare, sought-after items on offer, those fine specimens of Great Art, produced under TOTAL CONTROL!

Let no copy henceforth gather dust on the cold shelves of the record label’s storage unit.

Allow this labour of love to bring hope and enlightenment to your homes!

Let the sounds therein fill you with awe and wonder!

Help poor, poor Sami make some money…

the devaluation of true art continues…

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

We received this email today, which we publish in full:

“Notoriously reclusive artist Sami Albert Hynninen aka Albert Witchfinder has announced a “Storytellers”-type tour for late 2018. The tour will span seven months and cover all five continents.

For this very special tour, Sami Albert will be performing fan favourites from ALL his past bands, preceding each one with a story which will give fans a greater understanding and appreciation of his ART. Reverend Bizarre, KLV, March 15, The Candles Burning Blue, The Puritan, Vironsusi, Armanenschaft, Tähtiportti, Spiritus Mortis, Azrael Rising, Opium Warlords, Punisment, Tamarascunt and Werwolf Lodge will all feature in the setlist, with at least three songs each, in the five-hour-plus emotional extravaganza. 

In addition, multi-instrumentalist Sami Albert will eschew conventional instruments like guitar and bass for this tour, performing instead on wurlitzer, glockenspiel, recorder, viola da gamba, oud and bell ends instead.

The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:

The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:

“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”

“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”

Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”

Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.

Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”

We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…

 

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19