Burger boi has starry eyes!

Word reaches us that world renowned anti-corporations activist and recluse Sami Albert Hynninen has gone and done the unthinkable:

To begin with, we honestly don’t know which surprises us most: Doom Gloom Meister Albert Witchfinder in a franchise fast food joint, or that somehow Kimi Kärki was not around to grab the burger and run with it…

But then he starts relating the story about unexpectedly seeing this childhood hero of his, and we honestly got tears in our eyes…

We cried a bit more while he revealed how he did not dare approach his idol:

 

That must also be why Sami has not spoken to Pato of Tyrannus and Emissary Records, either… He feels such respect for the man who tricked him into getting his fans ripped off that poor, poor Albert feels intimidated. We’ll buy him a big red balloon and an ice cream cone next time we see him in an amusement park, looking all shy and running after members of Stam1na so he can post about them on his facebook…

This might be a photo of Sami on the day, sipping a beer to cool down his obvious excitement:

Beads of sweat are visible on his forehead, either from the emotional impact, or from stuffing his mouth with the entire contents of a Hesburger family meal. We’re not sure…

Hope you’re having a great summer, Sami! Try McDonalds next time, as a way to demonstrate your dislike for fast food franchises… Who knows which childhood hero of yours might be hanging out outside…

Burger boi has starry eyes!

Pleased to Meat you !

While perusing the informative and illuminating Opium Warlords facebook page, which never ceases to intrigue, challenge and delight us, we stumbled upon a post that involved featuring one of their songs on a streaming portal/website… “Ah, lovely!”, we thought. “This might help save some units from the dust of the record label office.” However, upon clicking the link, we were horrified -HORRIFIED!- to see a steak, mincemeat and other vulgarities…

meat

“How strange,” we thought, tucking into our spinach, fennel and quinoa salad, “that a self-proclaimed advocate of vegetarianism like Albert Witchfinder should not only allow one of his songs to feature on a website that glorifies meat consumption, but also to unashamedly post about it on facebook…” One plump radish later, we remembered who it is we’re talking about, so we shrugged it off, and went back to our hummus…

Enjoy the song, try it with a side order of meatballs and a dollop of bacon-fried hypocrisy:

http://www.themetaldeli.com/

Pleased to Meat you !

Lord Vicar discover selfies, bother Doom Metal Legend.

diet plan

You can practically see the thought behind Kimi Kärki’s boyish smile… “Photo with Scott Reagers, that’s gotta sell some more Lord Vicar records…”.

And if Lard Vicar cut down on their mouth stuffing/couch potatoing just a little, perhaps they can then fit two whole band members in one photo. On health concerns alone, we’re surely hoping.

 

Lord Vicar discover selfies, bother Doom Metal Legend.

The Gates of Flesh

Citizens of the picturesque Turku city of Finland are distraught as gyms are turning into fast food joints and bakeries almost overnight… “I walked into what used to be the aerobics temple where I did my plyometrics and rigorous cardio”, says local resident Petteri Vicaraki, while sucking on his triple choc milkshake, “and I walked out with three dozen doughnuts, five jammy scones and a 2kg marzipan log. This is madness!”

“It’s a terrible situation all around”, says voluptuously-bodied Rauta Vasara, Petteri’s neighbour, while munching on a chocolate-dipped dough ball he just pulled out of a bag of twenty. “There’s no way out. I am forced to sit on my mom’s sofa, playing video games, smoking pot and snacking, 24/7.” Huffing, he bends to pick up a 12″ vinyl-sized lolly that fell out of his goody bag. “I will never fit into my bathing suit this summer!”

While the citizens of Turku are united in their plight, others have remained skeptical on the matter… “Not that I’m into conspiracy theories and stuff, but this is clearly a full on government plan to prey on the skinny and promote obesity”, says Dilbert Bonkero, a citizen of far away Lohja. “The unenlightened will have no choice but to get fatter and fatter, while the truly enlightened, like me, will maintain their model figures on a diet of moths and boiled newspaper. It’s a struggle, a battle of spirits, a head-on challenge for the well and truly informed citizens that don’t simply believe everything that is spoken to them, unless of course it’s told by a vagina owner from Chile”.

Dear readers, should you happen to be in Turku, please seek out a functioning gym, where Petteri can shed some pounds for the glamour photo shots of his new album. And let us know if they offer a 2-for-1 subscription scheme, in case Rauta wants to join him. Leave a comment, and we will forward this much-needed info to them.

The Gates of Flesh

Who ate all the cakes ?

Doom Metal Legend (TM) Peter Vicar, aka Kimi Kärki, turned 39 last week…

Dedicated to providing full satisfaction for his friends and fans, Kimi went on a cake binge eating tour of all his local bakeries and pastry shops, where he tried each and every cake available at least twice, as you can see from this fairly recent, and beautifully composed, photo:

fatty

Kimi’s obvious joy truly melted our collective hearts here at DWA… Here’s a man who’s smugly happy about himself… He has bulit a career on the back of others, his belly is full, his toy in his hand, there’s no guilt shading his bright blue sky…

Happy belated birthday, Kimi! We hope you got all sorts of birthday cards and nice pressies from your friends in Chile… That kind of loyalty must be rewarded!

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