albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

We received this email today, which we publish in full:

“Notoriously reclusive artist Sami Albert Hynninen aka Albert Witchfinder has announced a “Storytellers”-type tour for late 2018. The tour will span seven months and cover all five continents.

For this very special tour, Sami Albert will be performing fan favourites from ALL his past bands, preceding each one with a story which will give fans a greater understanding and appreciation of his ART. Reverend Bizarre, KLV, March 15, The Candles Burning Blue, The Puritan, Vironsusi, Armanenschaft, Tähtiportti, Spiritus Mortis, Azrael Rising, Opium Warlords, Punisment, Tamarascunt and Werwolf Lodge will all feature in the setlist, with at least three songs each, in the five-hour-plus emotional extravaganza. 

In addition, multi-instrumentalist Sami Albert will eschew conventional instruments like guitar and bass for this tour, performing instead on wurlitzer, glockenspiel, recorder, viola da gamba, oud and bell ends instead.

The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:

The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:

“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”

“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”

Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”

Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.

Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”

We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…

 

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albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…

We would like to apologize for the somewhat long delay since our last post, but we have been researching the influx of graphic designers from impoverished South American countries in Sweden. Purely for academic purposes.

Meanwhile, wonder boy Sami Albert Hynninen released his second (and, by his own word, last) album with finnish behemoths Spiritus Mortis (more on which in a separate post), while the long-awaited vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” (scheduled for last November) has not materialised… Perhaps they’re still looking for a way to press it as a single track? Try 24″ vinyl, boys!

Good things are afoot, as well, with Sami finally reaching the end of the recording for the next Opium “We don’t sell any records so they’re all on sale on the Svart website” Warlords, preparing to tour with SM, and reportedly turning down a job as The Grinch in his hometown, while Kimi “Peter Vicar” Kärki is packing his bags with a view to going where… plenty others have gone before, and follow the historical trail of Christopher Columbus. We’ll have plenty to say for all that too, once we’re done with our mince pies.

For the moment, dear readers, feast yourselves on two recent tidbits who attempt to pull the wool over your eyes and re-write history. Both typical passtimes for ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend.

First, it was Sami who gifted us some wintertime mirth, with a bold statement:

Yes, that’s right, the man who single-handedly delayed Spiritus Mortis’ “The Year is Zero” by a good two years, while he was pursuing his unashamed dreams of pop stardom now claims to “serve the purposes of the band, not the purposes of [himself]”. Righty-o. Ding Dong. Ho Ho Ho.

Feeling the pressure to one-up his (twice) former bandmate on the “not exactly the truth” scales, Lil’ Kim soon followed this up with a quote from a Lard Vicar review, where he’s proclaimed to be “the man behind Reverend Bizarre”. We did our lols here.

the-man-behind-the-curtain

True, he did not say it himself, but by quoting it on his band page, without the necessary (ask Sami) clarifications, he’s perpetuating the lie. A well-known technique for misinformation, previously practiced by a bitter old man from Yorkshire.

And with this, dear readers, we’ll sign off for the year (probably). Happy holidays!

the season to be merry, make believe and spread misinformation…