Apparently hookers in Lohja go for as low as $20…
Let us take a minute to say that it does indeed pain us that more and more Reverend Bizarre stuff finds its way to bargain bins around the world. Such a real shame, that TRUE ART by ARTISTS who “like to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” gets depreciated. So, so sad. So very, very sad. *sigh* O Tempora O Mores.
…because spring is finally with us and sometimes we’re too bored to laugh at the Finnish idiots. Other times they don’t need our help for that, either.
Let him who hath understanding reckon, etc, etc.
Word has reached us, through the unlikeliest of channels, that Doom metal maestro, singer/songwriter and overall talented artist Kimi Kärki is in fact somewhere in the United States of A, spreading joy and wisdom to all those around him, and we don’t just mean his facebook
spam posts. He may even be selling copies of his latest effort, who knows?
As surprised as we were by the news initially, once the dust had settled we were faced with the grim reality of Kimi’s potential motivation for such a trip… And then it hit us: He will use his position in the US as a stronghold from where to launch his merciless, unrelenting assault on those who cheated him and stole his fans’ money and are reported to reside in a sunny South American country!
This must be it!
He himself foretold of it, many (many) moons ago, in this post:
We’re waiting with baited breath for Kimi’s next move… Will he enforce “justice”, or “tooth and claw”? His enemies must be scared s**tless, for sure. Such a formidable opponent, fearsome warrior and man of pure righteousness!
We are absolutely, 100% sure, he will exact revenge on those who tricked not just himself and his bandmates, but also his fans…
And, even if he does not, we get to call him “disproportionately big mouth, absolutely no trousers” for the rest of his pathetic life. We might even throw a “lying coward!” in, for good measure… It’s basically a win-win situation!
The entire recorded output of Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, aka Red-Rooster-holder, was released today on a single disc, as a single track.
Momentous leaps in technology achieved by Turku-based IT giant CoproTech made it possible to fit each and every song Kimi every recorded on a single disc, with no index numbers, which went on sale today as part of Sfart Records’ The Easter Bunny Presents budget-priced music collection.
Fans will be able to stick the CD in their player, lie back and enjoy Peter’s evolution as composer, singer and guitar player in an endless mind-bending journey…
According to the artist’s own press release, “What this means is that these albums have to be listened as a continuous journey, not album here, album there. This is at least the way I prefer it to be experienced, and as the discography takes only a bit more than a few days to listen, it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and try not to doze off!!!”
This special release is sadly not available on itunes.
EDIT, April 3rd 2017: This post was our feeble attempt at an April Fools. Obviously, if such technology existed, it would have been adopted by artists who actually shift units, not an ex-member of Reverend Bizarre. Our apologies to those who manifestly got excited in the comments section.
Reverend Bizarre celebrated the 15th anniversary of the release of their debut album some days ago, on March 28th… They received plenty of responses from well-wishers and fans who, however, were not fans at the time.
Meanwhile, today marks nine (9!) years since that inaugural post on Reverend Bizarre’s forum…
And, even though the “some weeks” have turned into, like, more than 400 weeks, the members of Reverend Bizarre are working hard to ensure justice for their ripped-off fans…
The dough did not come out of their own pockets, you see…
We raise our flute glasses to make a toast, and we sign off this post with the opening track of both the said record, and their debut, for no other reason…
Happy anniversary, boys! Rest assured, your legacy is set in stone!
A blog visitor linked us to this exchange which happened on the Lord Vicar facebook page:
Surely, such customer service skills are putting several multinational corporations to shame.
However, we cannot help but think that Lardy is getting softer with age… What happened to the stern, strong man, The Spartan, who, just a few months ago, unashamedly told unsuspecting, trusting buyers that “there is absolutely nothing that can be done”? Why didn’t Lardy casually inform this infidel that “this is the way they prefer it to be experienced”? Why didn’t he stress the importance of being “listened as a continuous journey, not track here, track there”? Surely, if he wanted to play Lord Vicar’s tunes as a dj, he could play the whole thing, no? “It’s not a huge test in patience” or anything!
Those youngsters cannot be relied upon to be C.O.T.D., but if we cannot depend on a C.O.T.D. veteran to show them the way, then what is left? Accidents, a Green-Loving Man who is becoming a shadow of himself?
The multitudes of fans, well-wishers, admirers and
yes-men friends who have flocked to the Opium Warlords facebook page today, to wish a Happy Birthday to Grand Magister Sami Albert Hynninen were faced with a devastating lack of posts in eleven days… A highly unnerving concurrence for a serial facebook-poster like our Sami.
Those of us who have followed his work (and f***-ups) while Reverend Bizarre were actually active (the minority, then) have an additional reason to worry, knowing the significance of the date of three days ago, March 15th, for Albert. Could something bad have happened?
We posed this question in the unofficial Reverend Bizarre forum (which, unlike the official one, is actually quite active), and a user who asked to remain anonymous related a tale involving Albert and several girls in the aftershow party of the most recent Spiritus Mortis gig in Tampere, FI, this last weekend. We say “aftershow party”, but we actually mean “the time when Sami was sitting on his ass, looking dapper and dandy while his bandmates were slaving away, packing up”… Could Sami be still handcuffed to the bedpost of a female fan in picturesque Tampere, and used as a pleasure slave?
We’ll toast to that. Happy Birthday, Sami, wherever you are!
EDIT: Sami finally surfaced in the late afternoon, to post a SM gig review. oof. All is well, then. No sex was harmed in the making of this absence from facebook.