renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

The entire recorded output of Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, aka Red-Rooster-holder, was released today on a single disc, as a single track.

Momentous leaps in technology achieved by Turku-based IT giant CoproTech made it possible to fit each and every song Kimi every recorded on a single disc, with no index numbers, which went on sale today as part of Sfart Records’ The Easter Bunny Presents budget-priced music collection.

Fans will be able to stick the CD in their player, lie back and enjoy Peter’s evolution as composer, singer and guitar player in an endless mind-bending journey…

According to the artist’s own press release, “What this means is that these albums have to be listened as a continuous journey, not album here, album there. This is at least the way I prefer it to be experienced, and as the discography takes only a bit more than a few days to listen, it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and try not to doze off!!!”

This special release is sadly not available on itunes.

EDIT, April 3rd 2017: This post was our feeble attempt at an April Fools. Obviously, if such technology existed, it would have been adopted by artists who actually shift units, not an ex-member of Reverend Bizarre. Our apologies to those who manifestly got excited in the comments section.

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

An open letter to Lord Vicar and The Church Within Records / Doom Dealer.

First of all, here’s a timeline of the delayed release of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh”, on The Church Within Records, and available via the label’s distro, Doom Dealer (DE):

quality first

patience

celebrate you fools!

as ye give ye shall receiveth

absolutely no spine

cult item

So, upon receiving the CDs, Oliver Richling opened one on the spot, “as always […] to check everything with his pressing plants”, thus he spotted the booklets, but he did not put an actual CD in a CD player? Neither right then, nor at any time from the 27th of May until the 17th of June? The actual music is not part of the “everything” he needs to check?

That’s not just hard to believe, it’s impossible to fathom. Reverend Bizarre had a well-documented history of checking and re-checking their releases before they’re actually released (and at least a few instances when this was not applied, to their -and their fans’- detriment), and a similar ethic has been evident on all post-RB releases that involved either Kimi or Sami.

But we guess, it was easier just to deceive the fans who had bought the album on pre-sales, send the packages out with no notice or option given, and then say “the packets are on their way, there is absolutely nothing that can be done”…

Going on, the band’s press release includes some more damage control, in the form of  “This is at least the way we prefer it to be experienced, and […] it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and play on eleven!!!”.

What was the point in making the songs “deliberately shorter and punchier” then? Who are you trying to fool this time, Kimi Kärki ?

While  shortchanging his fans is nothing new for Peter Vicar, who allowed thieves to rip off his fans and then sat back and did “absolutely nothing” (sound familiar?), we expected a bit more professionalism from you, Oli. You seemed like a genuine person, whenever we chatted over your merch table… Why could you not inform those who purchased the album on pre-orders, instead of sending them the CD and hiding behind Kimi’s “there’s absolutely nothing that can be done”?

Boo, hiss, etc, etc.

An open letter to Lord Vicar and The Church Within Records / Doom Dealer.

A Valentine’s Day tale with a moral.

Kim looks out the plane window at the illuminated clouds, and thinks of love. This is her 15th visit to Chile, to see Pato, the love of her life.

It all started by a chance meeting on an online forum, some kind of misunderstanding about post office etiquette and money, but Pato’s warmth and tenderness during that fateful first meeting swayed her. There was something about the love of a south american criminal, and the love of his 27 lackeys, too, that opened new horizons for Kim until they meant the world to her.

Sure, Pato makes her wear the schoolgirl uniform, and plait her hair, but Kim does not really mind. Her mother did not know how to keep a man, an unfortunate drama that led to Kim spending her formative years in a single-parent family, with all the disadvantages and lifelong trauma this entails. Kim was determined not to repeat her mother’s mistakes, and instead puts the man’s demands first.

After all, Kim, despite her surplus lard, pimples, and pimple scars, was still posh totty in Chile, with her stunning curves and flowing golden locks. Oh how she relished the looks on the faces of the other druglords, smugglers and murderers when Pato waltzed in the dogfights and cockfights with her at his arm, her voluptuous figure shimmering in a low-cut, see-through cocktail dress.

Kim opened the first of the three bags of peanuts that the air hostess dropped in her lap. Other passengers only got one, but there was simply something in Kim’s appearance that made it clear that just the one would not be enough for her…

She was still kinda worried. Even though most of Pato’s gang respected her and made her feel like a real woman, Juan and Carlos were a bit too rough, and, occasionally, and although Pato had repeatedly warned them, they would wait for everyone else to fall asleep and then have their way with Kim.

But Kim swept those unnecessary negative thoughts out of her mind. Chile’s golden sunsets, and warm embraces awaited. In a few days, she would be back on the plane, with a small crimson ring in her panties, gallons of raw protein in her belly, the glow of a thousand suns on her face, and, most important of all, the knowledge, deep inside her heart, that somewhere, someone loved her.

A Valentine’s Day tale with a moral.

The division of labour according to Lord Vicar.

Lord Vicar have been hard at work trying to recreate the success levels of Kimi’s previous band for the third time, and since they’re not recluses like Sami, they have been very generous with their facebook posts…

Through them, we learn that drums, bass and guitars are all in the can.

Let’s have a look at exactly how it all went down…

Drummer recording drums. Good with us.

milly

Drummer recording bass. Even better. Won’t be just root notes this time.

millby

Serial muncher posing with bass. Mmmkay. Whatever keeps him from the donut box.

socks

Wait a minute! I hear you ask… Where was the bass player in all this?

Ah, right.

pole

We literally can’t wait for the new album. Not only will there be real bass this time, but also the lack of new episodes of The Office (UK, of course) has left us wanting some dapper comedy.

Image

Lord Vicar discover selfies, bother Doom Metal Legend.

diet plan

You can practically see the thought behind Kimi Kärki’s boyish smile… “Photo with Scott Reagers, that’s gotta sell some more Lord Vicar records…”.

And if Lard Vicar cut down on their mouth stuffing/couch potatoing just a little, perhaps they can then fit two whole band members in one photo. On health concerns alone, we’re surely hoping.

 

Lord Vicar discover selfies, bother Doom Metal Legend.

The Gates of Flesh

Citizens of the picturesque Turku city of Finland are distraught as gyms are turning into fast food joints and bakeries almost overnight… “I walked into what used to be the aerobics temple where I did my plyometrics and rigorous cardio”, says local resident Petteri Vicaraki, while sucking on his triple choc milkshake, “and I walked out with three dozen doughnuts, five jammy scones and a 2kg marzipan log. This is madness!”

“It’s a terrible situation all around”, says voluptuously-bodied Rauta Vasara, Petteri’s neighbour, while munching on a chocolate-dipped dough ball he just pulled out of a bag of twenty. “There’s no way out. I am forced to sit on my mom’s sofa, playing video games, smoking pot and snacking, 24/7.” Huffing, he bends to pick up a 12″ vinyl-sized lolly that fell out of his goody bag. “I will never fit into my bathing suit this summer!”

While the citizens of Turku are united in their plight, others have remained skeptical on the matter… “Not that I’m into conspiracy theories and stuff, but this is clearly a full on government plan to prey on the skinny and promote obesity”, says Dilbert Bonkero, a citizen of far away Lohja. “The unenlightened will have no choice but to get fatter and fatter, while the truly enlightened, like me, will maintain their model figures on a diet of moths and boiled newspaper. It’s a struggle, a battle of spirits, a head-on challenge for the well and truly informed citizens that don’t simply believe everything that is spoken to them, unless of course it’s told by a vagina owner from Chile”.

Dear readers, should you happen to be in Turku, please seek out a functioning gym, where Petteri can shed some pounds for the glamour photo shots of his new album. And let us know if they offer a 2-for-1 subscription scheme, in case Rauta wants to join him. Leave a comment, and we will forward this much-needed info to them.

The Gates of Flesh