Burger boi has starry eyes!

Word reaches us that world renowned anti-corporations activist and recluse Sami Albert Hynninen has gone and done the unthinkable:

To begin with, we honestly don’t know which surprises us most: Doom Gloom Meister Albert Witchfinder in a franchise fast food joint, or that somehow Kimi Kärki was not around to grab the burger and run with it…

But then he starts relating the story about unexpectedly seeing this childhood hero of his, and we honestly got tears in our eyes…

We cried a bit more while he revealed how he did not dare approach his idol:

 

That must also be why Sami has not spoken to Pato of Tyrannus and Emissary Records, either… He feels such respect for the man who tricked him into getting his fans ripped off that poor, poor Albert feels intimidated. We’ll buy him a big red balloon and an ice cream cone next time we see him in an amusement park, looking all shy and running after members of Stam1na so he can post about them on his facebook…

This might be a photo of Sami on the day, sipping a beer to cool down his obvious excitement:

Beads of sweat are visible on his forehead, either from the emotional impact, or from stuffing his mouth with the entire contents of a Hesburger family meal. We’re not sure…

Hope you’re having a great summer, Sami! Try McDonalds next time, as a way to demonstrate your dislike for fast food franchises… Who knows which childhood hero of yours might be hanging out outside…

Burger boi has starry eyes!

A cure for insomnia

It’s not uncommon to find oneself unable to sleep this summer… The heat, the mosquitos, the excitement and anticipation for the release of Opium Warlords’ Droner may all keep one from shutting those eyelids and laying one’s head to rest…

Yet one should not have to endure their day sleep-deprived in these demanding and stressful times.

But fear not, dear readers, for scientists have pinpointed the new weapon in Morpheus’ arsenal that will get you snoring in no time!

Simply click “play” on this video, and let the blandness work its magic:

Sweet dreams!

A cure for insomnia

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

We continue our lazy summer reporting with more stellar tidings from the Kimi Kärki camp. “The artist formerly known as Peter Vicar” (more on that later) has recently moved, again, from one country where he did not approve of the political leadership, to another country where he does not approve of the political leadership. Pff, cultural historians are so hard to please, politically… Why doesn’t he move to sunny Chile?

In between packing and unpacking (“Unsold copies of “The Bone of my Bones”, check. Unsold copies of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh”, check. Where are my Looney Tunes socks, Myharit?”), Kimi has managed to re-establish himself as a master of marketing, while letting potential buyers know about his upcoming plinkety plonk, “Eye for an eye”…

Rule 1 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Ensure all former fans are aware that you don’t need a mask anymore:

 

Subrule 1.2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Post on your former band’s page, the one where you needed the mask, to ensure higher visibility. Let’s face it, none of your other pages have as many likes or followers.

Rule 2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Even though your promo blurb already includes the info, post a comment to your own post, to highlight the fact that you have managed to cajole someone with a good voice, singing ability and who actually sells records, to appear on your meagre offering:

 

Rule 3 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Open pre-orders. This way, if your album turns out to be faulty like the last one, idiots will have already bought it by the time they know about it. Be cunning, shift units!

 

A few days later, The artist formerly known as Tamara’s best bud published a promo video for the album:

In addition to Kimi’s squinting face, you’ll notice that the video track is slightly out of sync from the audio on the several instances when The artist formerly known as Alpha Male of the Internets recites the lyrics to the camera.

You would have thought that a cultural historian with a PhD., who managed to get funding to go abroad for six months on someone else’s dime, would somehow realize that, if you add a 3-second title card to the video, you should move the audio track for the same interval, but, of course, Kimi is not your average educated fella. If he was, and he had the brains to match his ambition, this blog would probably have no reason to exist.

An extra shout-out to his label, Svart Records, who also exhibited vast amounts of professionalism in this instance. There’s a post forthcoming on them, too, but one thing at a time.

Enjoy the video, and don’t mind the sun in Kimi’s eyes. At least he’s facing it for a moment, instead of digging his bloated head in the sand as he’s more known for.

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

The entire recorded output of Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, aka Red-Rooster-holder, was released today on a single disc, as a single track.

Momentous leaps in technology achieved by Turku-based IT giant CoproTech made it possible to fit each and every song Kimi every recorded on a single disc, with no index numbers, which went on sale today as part of Sfart Records’ The Easter Bunny Presents budget-priced music collection.

Fans will be able to stick the CD in their player, lie back and enjoy Peter’s evolution as composer, singer and guitar player in an endless mind-bending journey…

According to the artist’s own press release, “What this means is that these albums have to be listened as a continuous journey, not album here, album there. This is at least the way I prefer it to be experienced, and as the discography takes only a bit more than a few days to listen, it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and try not to doze off!!!”

This special release is sadly not available on itunes.

EDIT, April 3rd 2017: This post was our feeble attempt at an April Fools. Obviously, if such technology existed, it would have been adopted by artists who actually shift units, not an ex-member of Reverend Bizarre. Our apologies to those who manifestly got excited in the comments section.

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

An open letter to Lord Vicar and The Church Within Records / Doom Dealer.

First of all, here’s a timeline of the delayed release of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh”, on The Church Within Records, and available via the label’s distro, Doom Dealer (DE):

quality first

patience

celebrate you fools!

as ye give ye shall receiveth

absolutely no spine

cult item

So, upon receiving the CDs, Oliver Richling opened one on the spot, “as always […] to check everything with his pressing plants”, thus he spotted the booklets, but he did not put an actual CD in a CD player? Neither right then, nor at any time from the 27th of May until the 17th of June? The actual music is not part of the “everything” he needs to check?

That’s not just hard to believe, it’s impossible to fathom. Reverend Bizarre had a well-documented history of checking and re-checking their releases before they’re actually released (and at least a few instances when this was not applied, to their -and their fans’- detriment), and a similar ethic has been evident on all post-RB releases that involved either Kimi or Sami.

But we guess, it was easier just to deceive the fans who had bought the album on pre-sales, send the packages out with no notice or option given, and then say “the packets are on their way, there is absolutely nothing that can be done”…

Going on, the band’s press release includes some more damage control, in the form of  “This is at least the way we prefer it to be experienced, and […] it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and play on eleven!!!”.

What was the point in making the songs “deliberately shorter and punchier” then? Who are you trying to fool this time, Kimi Kärki ?

While  shortchanging his fans is nothing new for Peter Vicar, who allowed thieves to rip off his fans and then sat back and did “absolutely nothing” (sound familiar?), we expected a bit more professionalism from you, Oli. You seemed like a genuine person, whenever we chatted over your merch table… Why could you not inform those who purchased the album on pre-orders, instead of sending them the CD and hiding behind Kimi’s “there’s absolutely nothing that can be done”?

Boo, hiss, etc, etc.

An open letter to Lord Vicar and The Church Within Records / Doom Dealer.

A Valentine’s Day tale with a moral.

Kim looks out the plane window at the illuminated clouds, and thinks of love. This is her 15th visit to Chile, to see Pato, the love of her life.

It all started by a chance meeting on an online forum, some kind of misunderstanding about post office etiquette and money, but Pato’s warmth and tenderness during that fateful first meeting swayed her. There was something about the love of a south american criminal, and the love of his 27 lackeys, too, that opened new horizons for Kim until they meant the world to her.

Sure, Pato makes her wear the schoolgirl uniform, and plait her hair, but Kim does not really mind. Her mother did not know how to keep a man, an unfortunate drama that led to Kim spending her formative years in a single-parent family, with all the disadvantages and lifelong trauma this entails. Kim was determined not to repeat her mother’s mistakes, and instead puts the man’s demands first.

After all, Kim, despite her surplus lard, pimples, and pimple scars, was still posh totty in Chile, with her stunning curves and flowing golden locks. Oh how she relished the looks on the faces of the other druglords, smugglers and murderers when Pato waltzed in the dogfights and cockfights with her at his arm, her voluptuous figure shimmering in a low-cut, see-through cocktail dress.

Kim opened the first of the three bags of peanuts that the air hostess dropped in her lap. Other passengers only got one, but there was simply something in Kim’s appearance that made it clear that just the one would not be enough for her…

She was still kinda worried. Even though most of Pato’s gang respected her and made her feel like a real woman, Juan and Carlos were a bit too rough, and, occasionally, and although Pato had repeatedly warned them, they would wait for everyone else to fall asleep and then have their way with Kim.

But Kim swept those unnecessary negative thoughts out of her mind. Chile’s golden sunsets, and warm embraces awaited. In a few days, she would be back on the plane, with a small crimson ring in her panties, gallons of raw protein in her belly, the glow of a thousand suns on her face, and, most important of all, the knowledge, deep inside her heart, that somewhere, someone loved her.

A Valentine’s Day tale with a moral.