stop us if you’ve heard this before…

 

How hard can it be for a label to foresee “envisioned challenges”?

How hard can it be for the “artist(s)”, to be a bit more on top of things? A little more caring? A tad well informed?

Peter Vicar month, never a dull moment!

Image

has anyone seen Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh” vinyl?

The special “package”, originally announced last year (!), then postponed, then rescheduled two months ago, and expected to ship yesterday, has not been seen by anyone anywhere…

 

Seeing how “Doom Legend” Kimi Kärki has had a hand in disastrous “delayed” releases in the past, all the way back from 2008 with Reverend Bizarre’s “Magick with Tears” non-opus, to last year’s “delayed” CD misprint of the “Gates of Flesh” album (also handled by The Church Within / Doom Dealer), the absence of any info on serial-facebook-poster Kimi’s profiles raises questions, and creates worries for those who have pre-ordered (not us, that is).

Any sightings, please contact this blog so we can put those who have already parted with their money out of their misery…

has anyone seen Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh” vinyl?

augustus caesar forever!

August is upon us, and brings not just one but two Kimi Kärki albums: the vinyl pressing of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”, and his second solo offering, “Eye for an Eye”… Seeing how both of them have been severely delayed/pushed back from their initially announced release dates, we are looking forward to further updates with bated breath.

Therefore we declare this month “Peter Vicar month” as we sit back and sip our pina coladas with one eye on the facebook feed…

All Hail Doom Metal Legend (TM) Peter Vicar!

Ave Caesar! Moronturi te salutant!

Would you buy a CD from this mischievously posing pinup boy? Let’s face it, track indexing is so over-rated… Try a pre-order today! What could possibly go wrong?

 

augustus caesar forever!

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

…as The Artist who “likes to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” (did you notice the ALL CAPS? that’s because he means it!), recently confirmed the end of the laboured process:

 

After over three years of threading the Emperor’s Newer Clothes, The Artist understandably needs to celebrate accordingly and blow off some steam…

And what better way to do so, than to perform at a double-whammy of shows with camp troupe Tähtiportti?

 

Because, you see, some monkeys like to dance under TOTAL CONTROL!

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

We continue our lazy summer reporting with more stellar tidings from the Kimi Kärki camp. “The artist formerly known as Peter Vicar” (more on that later) has recently moved, again, from one country where he did not approve of the political leadership, to another country where he does not approve of the political leadership. Pff, cultural historians are so hard to please, politically… Why doesn’t he move to sunny Chile?

In between packing and unpacking (“Unsold copies of “The Bone of my Bones”, check. Unsold copies of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh”, check. Where are my Looney Tunes socks, Myharit?”), Kimi has managed to re-establish himself as a master of marketing, while letting potential buyers know about his upcoming plinkety plonk, “Eye for an eye”…

Rule 1 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Ensure all former fans are aware that you don’t need a mask anymore:

 

Subrule 1.2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Post on your former band’s page, the one where you needed the mask, to ensure higher visibility. Let’s face it, none of your other pages have as many likes or followers.

Rule 2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Even though your promo blurb already includes the info, post a comment to your own post, to highlight the fact that you have managed to cajole someone with a good voice, singing ability and who actually sells records, to appear on your meagre offering:

 

Rule 3 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Open pre-orders. This way, if your album turns out to be faulty like the last one, idiots will have already bought it by the time they know about it. Be cunning, shift units!

 

A few days later, The artist formerly known as Tamara’s best bud published a promo video for the album:

In addition to Kimi’s squinting face, you’ll notice that the video track is slightly out of sync from the audio on the several instances when The artist formerly known as Alpha Male of the Internets recites the lyrics to the camera.

You would have thought that a cultural historian with a PhD., who managed to get funding to go abroad for six months on someone else’s dime, would somehow realize that, if you add a 3-second title card to the video, you should move the audio track for the same interval, but, of course, Kimi is not your average educated fella. If he was, and he had the brains to match his ambition, this blog would probably have no reason to exist.

An extra shout-out to his label, Svart Records, who also exhibited vast amounts of professionalism in this instance. There’s a post forthcoming on them, too, but one thing at a time.

Enjoy the video, and don’t mind the sun in Kimi’s eyes. At least he’s facing it for a moment, instead of digging his bloated head in the sand as he’s more known for.

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Apologies for the slight delay since our last post, dear readers, but those of us who don’t mind going to the beach often find our priorities shifted and our time consumed easily.

Unlike blog sweetheart Sami Albert Hynninen, for example, who is busy planning the mixing sessions for Opium Warlords’ “Droner”, an album three years in the making…

That long gestation period places it in a contest with that other special release by Alberto’s former best mate Dicky Tosser from Yorkshire, who is also working on an album for a few years now (it sez here!), and of course Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” vinyl version, which has been foretold of for over a year now and still hasn’t materialised… Let’s see who wins the golden trophy among our noble competitors. Our money is on Kimi, seeing as he’s slimey and quick despite his considerable size.

Besides his hard work on “Droner”, Sami also found time to oversee a hand-bound reprint of “Tabula Obscura”, a comic book he co-authored with some other guys:

 

Priced at just 90 euros plus postage (which should be hefty in itself, judging by the book’s size and paper quality), it’s a veritable steal for punters, Reverend Bizarre fans with more money than sense, and those of you looking for tinder paper for your Summer Solstice (today, yo!) bonfire…

It’s unverified, but we have received reports that the impressive volume is lovingly hand-bound and shipped by Tamara and Pato, Sami’s best friends and business associates.

Please, place an order, dear readers, and be part of Sami’s “Get Rich Quick” scheme!

You can be assured of the quality of the book, because Sami Albert likes to maintain TOTAL CONTROL over whatever he pushes for you to buy:

 

Something that has worked well for Sami so far, except for that Reverend Bizarre “Magick with Tears” 2LP, the KLV “Niin Musta on Maa” compilation, the March 15th “Our Love Becomes a Funeral Pyre” EP… You sort of see where we’re getting at. So. TOTAL CONTROL. In ALL CAPS, to ensure you believe it.

Reserve your copy of this TOTALLy CONTROLLed Collector’s Item today, so Sami can think about maybe going to the beach after all. The one in Lohja, beside the dumpster and the drunk hipsters.

More news on ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend coming soon, we promise, as all camps have been busy and we are delighted to report on such splendid folk!

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

The month of June is upon us, and Kimi is running out of days in this country that welcomed him where things happen that he does not approve of, but is hoping to return to anyway, if some idiot someone funds him for it.

We have to admit that, with Kimi’s departure preparations imminent, a trip to Chile seems unlikely. Guess “justice”, “tooth” and “claw” will have to wait a little more. What’s eternity compared to nine years?

Hoping to help Kim make the most of his tenure stateside, however, we compiled a list or possible destinations, all closer than Santiago, and if Kimi cycles to them he might even lose some of his gut and six extra chins.

Map and compass at the ready, and we begin:

1. Los Angeles, California. The mecca of “style over substance” music, something Kimi is factually familiar with. He can put his bandana back on and roam the streets among like-minded “musicians”. We’d pay good money to see Kimi jam a Mötley Crüe or Ratt tune, if he practiced enough so he has the chops for it.

2. Indianapolis, Indiana. An obvious choice, really, for those of us well-knowledgeable in the memberships of the C.O.T.D., as fellow “true” doom mate Karl Simon resides there. Karl’s unquestioning loyalty to the wrong people is well-documented elsewhere (and we sincerely hope we don’t have to go into detail here as well, in the future), so we won’t mention too many examples, just the one that caught our attention most recently:

always wanted

That’s right, your “mate” has found himself in possession of a large number of CDs he couldn’t sell to the pulp plant, and he has already sent them out to those who -in good faith- paid for them in advance, so what do you do? You say you “always wanted to do a CD like that”.

Then, when your new album is out, just a few weeks later, is it “all one track”, like you “always wanted to do”? NO. IT’S. NOT. Who’s a hypocrite, then?

We can easily picture Kimi and Karl together, on Karl’s porch, holding hands and listening to “New Dork Age” and reminiscing about the good old times when Richard Lionturd told idiots to buy their records and they did…

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A dream destination for many doom fans, this city has given birth to more good Doom bands than the average industrial stinkhole. Perhaps Kimi could attend a few shows and see how it’s done. Or at least steal some ideas for riffs.

As an added bonus, the Pittsburgh poodle is a breed of dog as obedient and reliable as they come, and has been often petted by a renowned Yorkshire gentleman Kimi had previously had affections with. Should the two get together for a drink, we can only imagine the nostalgia in the room.

4. Innsmouth, Massachusetts. A city of great interest to cultural historians, its residents are described as inbred half-humans who engage in underhand practices and dream of world domination. Kimi will fit right in.

Safe journeys, Kimi! May the road take you wherever you’ve always deserved to be.

 

Journey planner for wandering Vicars.