The doom metal community, ourselves included, shed real tears last week, at the news of the passing of Terry Jones, lead singer of true legends Pagan Altar… We have seen several facebook updates, forum threads, blog posts and comments, all mourning a man whose music -and voice!- touched many, during Pagan Altar’s lengthy and prolific career.
We weren’t, however, best pleased to find a post on Lord Vicar’s facebook page on the matter, that included the lyrics to the Pagan Altar song “Judgement of the Dead”, one of their better known songs (then again, which of their songs would be “lesser known”, when they are all gems?) :
The lyrics very obviously deal with evil people, corrupt leaders, politicians and war generals, who, having died, face up to “Judge Satan”, and we can hardly see it as a fitting tribute to a man who was loved by all who really knew him. Sure, the words were written by him, but we severely doubt he had himself in mind when he wrote them. Posting them as a tribute was in extremely bad taste, and totally inappropriate.
So, do Lord Vicar know something we don’t? Are they knowingly trying to blemish a good and kind man’s reputation? Or are they simply retarded morons?
In another pathetic attempt to shift merch units, Reverend Bizarre enlisted the old trick of getting a girl to wear their wares, show some flesh, and give you the look of true love…
So, if you are a pathetic, forever-single fan of Reverend Bizarre, get buying, and no doubt girls will be all over you in no time! Trust us, this shit works!
ps. Wasn’t there a self-proclaimed “feminist” member of Reverend Bizarre, all against the exploitation of women and stuff? We wonder what he does with his royalties from this…
Citizens of the picturesque Turku city of Finland are distraught as gyms are turning into fast food joints and bakeries almost overnight… “I walked into what used to be the aerobics temple where I did my plyometrics and rigorous cardio”, says local resident Petteri Vicaraki, while sucking on his triple choc milkshake, “and I walked out with three dozen doughnuts, five jammy scones and a 2kg marzipan log. This is madness!”
“It’s a terrible situation all around”, says voluptuously-bodied Rauta Vasara, Petteri’s neighbour, while munching on a chocolate-dipped dough ball he just pulled out of a bag of twenty. “There’s no way out. I am forced to sit on my mom’s sofa, playing video games, smoking pot and snacking, 24/7.” Huffing, he bends to pick up a 12″ vinyl-sized lolly that fell out of his goody bag. “I will never fit into my bathing suit this summer!”
While the citizens of Turku are united in their plight, others have remained skeptical on the matter… “Not that I’m into conspiracy theories and stuff, but this is clearly a full on government plan to prey on the skinny and promote obesity”, says Dilbert Bonkero, a citizen of far away Lohja. “The unenlightened will have no choice but to get fatter and fatter, while the truly enlightened, like me, will maintain their model figures on a diet of moths and boiled newspaper. It’s a struggle, a battle of spirits, a head-on challenge for the well and truly informed citizens that don’t simply believe everything that is spoken to them, unless of course it’s told by a vagina owner from Chile”.
Dear readers, should you happen to be in Turku, please seek out a functioning gym, where Petteri can shed some pounds for the glamour photo shots of his new album. And let us know if they offer a 2-for-1 subscription scheme, in case Rauta wants to join him. Leave a comment, and we will forward this much-needed info to them.