gratuitous nachos commercial

muncho villa

Kimi Kärki, chief lyricist of renowned COTD Doom Metal band Lord Vicar (and formerly the frontman of Reverend Bizarre), recommends a diet full of carbs and processed food for a healthy lyric-writing process… Nothing like an influx of useless calories of no nutritional value to stimulate whatever limited braincells you have and open the gates of existential poetry!

gratuitous nachos commercial

a gentleman’s agreement

Hi Ol, the drummer and I have a new album ready to record, we need money for the studio.

The drummer and you? What happened to the other two?

Nothing happened. They just don’t count. The one’s a drunk, the other’s an idiot. The drummer and I make the albums, the other two just tag along. So, how soon can you give us the cash?

There’s no cash. I made no money from your last record. I actually lost a lot.

And whose fault is that, you illiterate idiot?

Not mine. The factory spoke the colonialist language of the layman instead of the superior aryan one.

You didn’t add the index numbers, you dumb prat.

As I said, not my fault. There’s no money for another record.

Guess I’ll have to call The Miskatonic Foundation then…

Ok, there might be a way to make back the money I lost on YOUR faulty CDs.

What’s that?

You give me two albums of your previous band to re-release, I make some sweet dough, there might be some for you.

Are you nuts? I don’t own the rights to those.

Who does?

The label.

We’ll ask the label, then.

No, you have to ask the emo kid first. He has to give permission.

I don’t want to deal with the emo kid.

Well, that’s the way it has to be.

Ok, I ask the emo kid.

And what if he says no?

I do it anyway.

He’ll go nuts.

He can cry all night if he wants to.

We won’t hear the end of it.

That mexican woman got him to do worse.

She’s not mexican. And she had a powerful weapon that we don’t.

What weapon?

That grande panocha was really grande.

You may not have a panocha, but you are one.

You are a panocha too.

At least I’m a panocha who loves money.

No one loves money more than I do!

Really? Guess who already contacted the label and got the rights for those two albums…

Seriously? We’re in deep shit.

No shit. You’ll pretend you didn’t know either. Then you’ll handle it publicly, on facebook. Tell him some crap about getting over it and learning from it and focusing on something positive.

He’s a cry baby.

Well, let him cry.

I’m not sure about this.

Well, I lost money on your last album, so I’m doing it anyway. It’s just a case of whether you help me, and then I might help you. Make another album, that is.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes. Just don’t announce the CDs until they’re out and he can’t stop it.

Deal. Now tell me, was that brazilian woman’s panocha so powerful?

He used to walk around with her panties in his pocket, to sniff at if he felt lonely, or got a panic attack. The stench would clear any confined space he walked into. He was banned from shopping malls and shops and rode the bus alone, with the bus driver cursing at him. Does that give you an idea?

Oh my. Such potential. Do you think she might be interested in joining my label?  As an A&R rep or something prestigious like that?

F off, Oli.

Bye, Kim. Feel free to call back when you want money for the studio, you fat twat. Ha ha.

*line dies

a gentleman’s agreement

Kimi Kärki: a true master of positivity!

Following on from our previous post, there’s a Kimi Kärki tidbit that we’d like to expand on… You see, dear readers, we absolutely do not believe that Kimi Kärki did not know about those re-releases in advance. Not. For. A. Second.

If you read the facebook thread carefully (which he himself posted), it becomes apparent that it was a political move, to placate his record label (with whom he’s releasing another Lord Vicar album this spring -unless Oli effs up again, that is), and diffuse the situation with his former bandmate, Albertino Von Doom…

His parting post speaks volumes to those of us who remember Kimi Kärki as the bigot Peter Vicar, mouthing off on the Hellride forums from the safety of his computer:

 

He “wants to focus on something positive instead”, righty-o. That must have been his saving grace through it all…

Your fans got ripped off by someone who pretended to be your and their friend? Hey, no worries, “focus on something positive instead”! Just remember to tell those who speak the truth to “shut the F**k up” first…

Your new CD is one track? No problems here, send out the faulty CDs and “focus on something positive instead”. Job done, money in the bank!

Your solo albums go from discounted price to discounted price? Absolutely no need to fret whatsoever: “focus on something positive instead”! It just means your “art” is too high profile for the consuming masses. Better unsold, than in the homes of undeserving lowlifes.

Dearest readers, learn from this wise master of positive thinking, and welcome the new year under the spectre of positive focus. And make sure you buy those Reverend Bizarre re-releases from The Church Within. Because Sami and Oli need some positive vibes as well.

Happy new year!

Kimi Kärki: a true master of positivity!

curb your enthusiasm! lord vicar will not… we repeat, not strip !

Blog readers emailed us this news item, about a “Lord Vicar Superstrip”, and immediately we started looking at flights, keen on the idea of Peter Vicar’s voluptuous figure gyrating to an exquisitely compiled soundtrack, or Chritus working the pole like no one else knows how, his lithe, slithering body moving gracefully to the sound of “Leper, Leprechaun”…

But sadly it turns out it’s just a fancy name for a patch! Meh.

Image

Albert Witchfinder declares love for Suede, asks to join black sabbath !

The idiocy of that idiot is stupendous and monumental! We have no words…

Albert Witchfinder declares love for Suede, asks to join black sabbath !

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?

It appears we have neglected Kimi Kärki, dear readers… The last post on our favourite online-only alpha-male dates back to March of this year… It’s not our fault, though… Things have been very quiet in the Kärki camp (no pun intended)… His limelight-hogging majesty has not announced any new releases, tours, or tried to hijack an actual artist’s name to sell records in a long, long time.

We miss him, dear readers.

Really, we do.

How did that slogan he liked to end posts with go, again? “Eat Arse, Repeat Mundane”? Or something like that? We’d give anything, anything at all, dear readers, to have another grand artistic statement from our beloved Tamara-worshipping blonde bombshell…

That inimitable sense of style…

That hot bod…

That boyish charm…

Where is he, dear readers? Where is THE ARTIST? Please, help us find him!

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?