the stench is clear !

Residents of the city of Turku, Finland had a very special reason to rejoice at the turn of the New Year… Local citizen Antti Anttiaki takes up the story: “I woke up one day in early January, to find myself breathing a surprisingly clear and crisp air, unlike what I had known for years… I opened up my window and saw my neighbours at their doors and windows, and on the streets, taking deep breaths, like they never had before. It’s hard to explain, and I know it may sound absurd, but it appears that some source of air pollution was finally removed from our lovely city…”.

In a bizarre twist, air pollution in New York City, the US, hit a reported record high on the very next day… Ronaldo Burgerita, newspaper and hot dog seller (not both at the same time), informs us: “New York has lots of traffic, and one could never claim that the air we’re breathing is clear, but, for a few days in early January, it felt like there was an added layer of turd in the air, particularly around museums and tourist selfie spots…”. Nicholas O’lfactory, NYC Central Park camper, perhaps holds the key to the cross-atlantic mystery: “I have been diagnosed with hyperosmia, which means I have a heightened sense of smell. I used to work as a flower arranger until I slipped on a petunia, hit my head on a bonsai tree and woke up color-blind… Anyway, I was rolling my trolley on the boulevard, when this accented dude in a beanie hat approached me and I almost fainted… It was like he emanated sewage smells the kind of which make the meatpacking district smell like a cherry orchard. Through tears I heard him ask if I wanted to buy a copy of his solo album, “real cheap”, which I politely declined, then he wanted to know where he might find a tittie bar that accepts recyclable vinyl as payment. That’s all I remember, because at that point I fainted. When I came to, all my money was gone and I found a card with “there’s absolutely nothing that can be done” on one side, and “COTD” on the other… I mean, New York is hardly ever unweird, but this was really something for Mulder and Scully!”

The smell disappeared from NYC after a few days. Certain foil-hat wearing conspiracists have already labelled it a black-ops case, where the source of the smell was abducted and taken in a black helicopter to a secret location on the shores of Lake Erie, to be studied, experimented upon and possibly militarized. Could mustard gas have a new competitor?

Back in Finland, the Oracle of the Lohjan Seer of the Whiney Brat foresaw, through his loose-tea leaf-reading technique, that the smell might return “in five moons’ time”. Then he suddenly felt weak, presumably due to his magickal powers being spent, called an ambulance and cancelled all interviews and facebook comments for the foreseeable.

More news on this spectacular phenomenon as we get it.

the stench is clear !

Archaeological find baffles scientists !

A rotten pile of excrement was discovered last Saturday night in Turku, Finland, in the vicinity of Köydenpunojankatu. Saturday night revellers noticed a strong stench, which they traced to a massive cornucopia of ordure. Local archaeology enthusiast Vaalea Pullukka takes up the story:

“Carbon dating determines the manure heap to be exactly four decades old, making it an important find for the area!”, she beams with excitement. “At first, the locals mistook it for a man, due to its massive size and irregular shape, but it became clear even to them, that this is only faeces.”

“I could have sworn I heard it sing!”, says Jarmo M., a slightly inebriated local at the nearby watering hole, “but there’s no way this smell could be emanating from anything remotely human…”. He blushes, with obvious embarrassment.

Whilst its age has been accurately determined, the origins of the excreta have not been defined. Locals have largely guessed at canine or equestrian sources, but the circumstances under which such a large volume of excrement could have been produced remain a mystery.

Further tests revealed the pile to have the following attributes:

I. impressive flexibility

II. melts upon exposure to south american vaginal secretions

III. an unmistakable attraction to money

IV. an advanced state of rot

“The pile absorbs food at an alarming speed, to maintain its body mass. There’s an undeniable necessity and greed to its consumption rate. It seems like it intends to be the largest, stinkiest pile of dung in the whole of Finland!”, concludes a noticeably enamoured area resident. “There’s no stopping its ambition for ultimate egesta supremacy!”.

The lab tests continue, we will sure keep our readers up to date with any further developments.

Archaeological find baffles scientists !