the made-up history of Kimi Kärki, continued

Following on from our previous post, here’s another instance of our cherished buffoon, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar, trying to get credit for things he has not done:

 

You see, now he did not just collaborate with a doom metal frontman, he became one himself…

If anyone knows when and where exactly Kimi Kärki has been a “doom metal frontman”, please do let us know.

Twice bad, that he posted this on the Reverend Bizarre page, knowing full well he was never their “frontman”… But the truth flees at the sight of our Lil’Kim.

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the made-up history of Kimi Kärki, continued

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

…as The Artist who “likes to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” (did you notice the ALL CAPS? that’s because he means it!), recently confirmed the end of the laboured process:

 

After over three years of threading the Emperor’s Newer Clothes, The Artist understandably needs to celebrate accordingly and blow off some steam…

And what better way to do so, than to perform at a double-whammy of shows with camp troupe Tähtiportti?

 

Because, you see, some monkeys like to dance under TOTAL CONTROL!

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

The month of June is upon us, and Kimi is running out of days in this country that welcomed him where things happen that he does not approve of, but is hoping to return to anyway, if some idiot someone funds him for it.

We have to admit that, with Kimi’s departure preparations imminent, a trip to Chile seems unlikely. Guess “justice”, “tooth” and “claw” will have to wait a little more. What’s eternity compared to nine years?

Hoping to help Kim make the most of his tenure stateside, however, we compiled a list or possible destinations, all closer than Santiago, and if Kimi cycles to them he might even lose some of his gut and six extra chins.

Map and compass at the ready, and we begin:

1. Los Angeles, California. The mecca of “style over substance” music, something Kimi is factually familiar with. He can put his bandana back on and roam the streets among like-minded “musicians”. We’d pay good money to see Kimi jam a Mötley Crüe or Ratt tune, if he practiced enough so he has the chops for it.

2. Indianapolis, Indiana. An obvious choice, really, for those of us well-knowledgeable in the memberships of the C.O.T.D., as fellow “true” doom mate Karl Simon resides there. Karl’s unquestioning loyalty to the wrong people is well-documented elsewhere (and we sincerely hope we don’t have to go into detail here as well, in the future), so we won’t mention too many examples, just the one that caught our attention most recently:

always wanted

That’s right, your “mate” has found himself in possession of a large number of CDs he couldn’t sell to the pulp plant, and he has already sent them out to those who -in good faith- paid for them in advance, so what do you do? You say you “always wanted to do a CD like that”.

Then, when your new album is out, just a few weeks later, is it “all one track”, like you “always wanted to do”? NO. IT’S. NOT. Who’s a hypocrite, then?

We can easily picture Kimi and Karl together, on Karl’s porch, holding hands and listening to “New Dork Age” and reminiscing about the good old times when Richard Lionturd told idiots to buy their records and they did…

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A dream destination for many doom fans, this city has given birth to more good Doom bands than the average industrial stinkhole. Perhaps Kimi could attend a few shows and see how it’s done. Or at least steal some ideas for riffs.

As an added bonus, the Pittsburgh poodle is a breed of dog as obedient and reliable as they come, and has been often petted by a renowned Yorkshire gentleman Kimi had previously had affections with. Should the two get together for a drink, we can only imagine the nostalgia in the room.

4. Innsmouth, Massachusetts. A city of great interest to cultural historians, its residents are described as inbred half-humans who engage in underhand practices and dream of world domination. Kimi will fit right in.

Safe journeys, Kimi! May the road take you wherever you’ve always deserved to be.

 

Journey planner for wandering Vicars.

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

The entire recorded output of Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, aka Red-Rooster-holder, was released today on a single disc, as a single track.

Momentous leaps in technology achieved by Turku-based IT giant CoproTech made it possible to fit each and every song Kimi every recorded on a single disc, with no index numbers, which went on sale today as part of Sfart Records’ The Easter Bunny Presents budget-priced music collection.

Fans will be able to stick the CD in their player, lie back and enjoy Peter’s evolution as composer, singer and guitar player in an endless mind-bending journey…

According to the artist’s own press release, “What this means is that these albums have to be listened as a continuous journey, not album here, album there. This is at least the way I prefer it to be experienced, and as the discography takes only a bit more than a few days to listen, it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and try not to doze off!!!”

This special release is sadly not available on itunes.

EDIT, April 3rd 2017: This post was our feeble attempt at an April Fools. Obviously, if such technology existed, it would have been adopted by artists who actually shift units, not an ex-member of Reverend Bizarre. Our apologies to those who manifestly got excited in the comments section.

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

“you have reached the Lord Vicar customer services, how can I be of assistance?”

A blog visitor linked us to this exchange which happened on the Lord Vicar facebook page:

Surely, such customer service skills are putting several multinational corporations to shame.

However, we cannot help but think that Lardy is getting softer with age… What happened to the stern, strong man, The Spartan, who, just a few months ago, unashamedly told unsuspecting, trusting buyers that “there is absolutely nothing that can be done”? Why didn’t Lardy casually inform this infidel that “this is the way they prefer it to be experienced”? Why didn’t he stress the importance of being “listened as a continuous journey, not track here, track there”? Surely, if he wanted to play Lord Vicar’s tunes as a dj, he could play the whole thing, no? “It’s not a huge test in patience” or anything!

Those youngsters cannot be relied upon to be C.O.T.D., but if we cannot depend on a C.O.T.D. veteran to show them the way, then what is left? Accidents, a Green-Loving Man who is becoming a shadow of himself?

Sad, really.

“you have reached the Lord Vicar customer services, how can I be of assistance?”

Kimi Kärki really wants to sell you his misprint CDs!

Following on from our previous post, to which Lord Vicar and/or their record label have not replied, here’s a selective history of Kimi Kärki’s attempts to flog you those misprint CDs, you know, the ones where you can’t actually select a track like on 99.9% of other CDs…

We say “selective”, as we’re leaving out certain posts, and all “reviews”. We do have a few issues to pick with some of the reviews, but that’s perhaps a story for another day…

So, here’s the first tidbit, barely a week after the “all CDs are misprints but we’ve already sent them out anyway and there’s absolutely nothing to be done about it” announcement:

wish

“Wish they all got the new album” is a bit of a wishful thinking, Kimi Kärki, especially as you have never sold 7400 copies of ANYTHING you’ve made post-Reverend Bizarre. We doubt your cumulative record sales hit that number.

Also interesting to note that the post about the misprint did not show on Lord Vicar’s fans’ feed. Coincidence, or another cunning trick by a desperate has-been? We know which one our money’s on…

Two more weeks later…

break like the wind

Again, no mention of the eccentricities of “the new album on CD”. Those rags sure look cool, though. We need some to dust our office shelves with.

A month later, sales presumably still lacking in numbers, here’s another reminder of where you can get “Birth of Wine” from. You won’t be able to listen to it as a standalone track, though. A fact that’s somehow omitted from the post. Ho hum.

whine

A look on the Church Within / Doom Dealer website tells us that there’s no mention whatsoever about the CD’s one-track mind there, either, the tracklisting is still divided in individual tracks, as it should have been on the CD, BUT ISN’T, while the now ridiculous “Deliberately shorter than previous albums, the band sought to concentrate their trademark heaviness into shorter, punchier songs” promo blurb has been left anyway, possibly in a vague attempt to disguise facts… Sad, actually.

blurb

We saved the best for last:

collector's delight

Nothing to add, really. If anyone finds a missing spine in the general Turku area, please contact the blog and we’ll do our best to reunite it with its former owner.

Kimi Kärki really wants to sell you his misprint CDs!