Sami Albert Hynninen can’t wait to leave Spiritus Mortis.

The good man wants to shed his trad doom skin, so he can concentrate on gifting us more “music” with Tähtiportti. And maybe finish that Opium Warlords album that he’s been making since before we started this blog. Maybe. You can’t rush greatness.

 

Once you’ve had the taste of honey (no, we don’t mean Tamara) in your mouth, it’s easy to forget how you got where you are.

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Sami Albert Hynninen can’t wait to leave Spiritus Mortis.

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

The Gates of Fail / Pirate of teh Youtoobz !

Just when you thought that thick couldn’t possibly get any thicker, Lord Vicar post a link on their facebook page that no one can access!

le peur

While it is commendable on their part that they decided to allow fans to listen to a song without having to listen to the entire album (as clueless CD buyers have had to discover for themselves), we’re not exactly sure of the thought process behind it, or if there was one at all…

We mean, you couldn’t possibly expect poor Kimi to know which regions he has licensed it to? It’s not like he’s the composer who created this piece of (f)art out of the depths of his (tiny) soul, or anything…

Oh. Wait.

And while the well-intended Vicar found himself drowning in the murky waters of YouTube, one of their more pea-brained dedicated fans declared himself the Errol Flynn of the high digital seas…

under jolly roger

Yep, you read that right. He runs a “Pirate Doom Metal channel”. Let us pause for a bit, as our bellies are hurting.

Wishing to be of assistance, we humbly suggest the two get together to discuss YouTube etiquette before one of them finds himself walking the plank. Yo ho ho.

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The Reverend’s Bizarre fascination with Flesh continues…

Reverend Bizarre posted a photo of an indecently underdressed, bleached blonde, severely made-up and pouting female on their facebook page, as she appears to be wearing the shreds of what used to be a band t-shirt…

kiss me Sami

Predictably, there was a flurry of comments by RB fans who wished to express their appreciation for the depicted merchandise model, but apparently the minds behind Reverend Bizarre (we’re using this combination of words reluctantly) were not pleased, and made their displeasure known…

effort

This is not the first time the gentlemanly (and occasionally feminist) members of RB jump to the defense of a female who has ripped their band name to shreds (although this time a bit more literally), but we can’t help gawping in astonishment… What did they actually expect when they were posting such a photo?

righty

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The division of labour according to Lord Vicar.

Lord Vicar have been hard at work trying to recreate the success levels of Kimi’s previous band for the third time, and since they’re not recluses like Sami, they have been very generous with their facebook posts…

Through them, we learn that drums, bass and guitars are all in the can.

Let’s have a look at exactly how it all went down…

Drummer recording drums. Good with us.

milly

Drummer recording bass. Even better. Won’t be just root notes this time.

millby

Serial muncher posing with bass. Mmmkay. Whatever keeps him from the donut box.

socks

Wait a minute! I hear you ask… Where was the bass player in all this?

Ah, right.

pole

We literally can’t wait for the new album. Not only will there be real bass this time, but also the lack of new episodes of The Office (UK, of course) has left us wanting some dapper comedy.

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Sami Hynninen reaches out to Ville Valo !

We nearly chocked on our donuts this morning here at DWA, when we read a facebook post in which his reclusive Magickal Highness, Magister Albert Witchfinder, wished Ville Valo would start wearing Opium Warlords t-shirts (note the plural):

opium

Dearest Sami, you have repeatedly made your utter lack of intelligence and distance from reality painfully obvious in the past, recent and otherwise, but please do try to level with us on this… If you don’t make Opium Warlords t-shirts available, how do you expect Ville Valo to start wearing them? Do you reckon he’s gonna pop down to his local t-shirt printing shop and make them himself, then start wearing them? Not even Kimi Kärki has done that, and he owes his entire career to you!

Plus, didn’t you abhor fortune and fame in the first place? Didn’t you dissolve the only band you played in that actually sold records because you couldn’t handle their success? Didn’t you repeatedly wax lyrical on the moral and ethical advantages of not selling records? Didn’t you become a recluse, to renounce the mortal world with all its material trappings, or at least say that you did? WTF, Sami? W T F ???

 

Sami Hynninen reaches out to Ville Valo !

Reverend Bizarre Wanker Badge Now Available !

Remember that limited edition Reverend Bizarre t-shirt, with the image that looked like it was drawn by a 5-year old who got banned from sunday school for picking his nose? Your mum wouldn’t give you the money to buy it because she had already given you a small fortune to send to Sami and Kimi’s friends in Chile, and you had nothing to show for it…

Well, despair not, for Sami has made the design available again, as a patch! Which is surely another indication of the love he has for his fans, and definitely not because he’s a little low on cash or anything.

revof

For as little as 4.90 euros, you can now wear this patch as your badge of honour, so everyone knows you love wanking and Reverend Bizarre… which are not the same thing.

http://www.kvlt.fi/item/reverend_bizarre-bible_onanist-patch

And, if you so desire an appropriately stimulating read while waiting for your patch to pop through your letter box, bringing with it all sorts of kvlt kvdos and joy, have a look at the meaningful and factual discussion under the related post on Sami’s facebook page, proving beyond any doubt that Sami has indeed become a recluse, and shuns all online interaction, and not simply cowardly avoids his own forum anymore:

(click on comments)

Reverend Bizarre Wanker Badge Now Available !