Pussy galore !

Not content with the money he’s raking in from half-price Opium Warlords albums and Reverend Bizarre “slightly improved” reissues, fantastic wizard Sami Albert Hynninen has founded a new band, named after the only thing he has ever loved (besides money and pi**ing on his fans)…

 

True to his artistic vision, his new band’s first release, a song under three minutes in length, was made available to his loyal fanbase for a measly 69 euros… Not even 70! And still cheaper than Magick With Tears!

Although, to be fair, the website does give you the option to pay “more”… Which you should!

You are not a real Sami Albert fan unless you cough up! I mean, where else can you purchase True Art lovingly created under TOTAL CONTROL!?

On a sidenote, does anyone know where we can buy one of those t-shirts with Sami’s “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing I will ever do?” slogan? We need like a dozen for a party we’re organizing…

Pussy galore !

albert witchfinder talks penis !

Read and learn from sacred scripture of a true master on the subject:

He meditates under the big vulva in the sky on a daily basis, you know…

albert witchfinder talks penis !

love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

She is the quicksand. She grabs men, and drags them down. Men who have been unloved boys, and remain so. She knows what to do. She preys on loneliness. She tells them things that they want to believe, things that no other woman (mother or lover) has told them before… And she gets them to do what she wants them to.

That’s how she got the finnish village idiots to tell their fans to send her their money. That’s how she got them to tell their fans to shut up afterwards. “There is absolutely nothing that can be done.” She read it, smiled, then went back to counting her money.

That money paid for her to go places she would never have dreamt of otherwise. How many of Damian’s schoolmates have visited Europe? That’s how she met the new idiot. He has a boring swedish name, but, when she speaks about him in her native language, she affectionately refers to him as “my European citizenship”. He’ll serve his purpose, too.

He felt intimidated by all the gorgeous women in his country, never got the hang of it, never hacked it. But he fell in love with her part pug/part pig face. She doesn’t make him nervous. He feels safe. He thinks she loves him, too. He wants to defend her. There’s one born every minute.

Happy Valentine’s day, daughters of Eve. Slay those who will let you.

love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

The Reverend’s Bizarre fascination with Flesh continues…

Reverend Bizarre posted a photo of an indecently underdressed, bleached blonde, severely made-up and pouting female on their facebook page, as she appears to be wearing the shreds of what used to be a band t-shirt…

kiss me Sami

Predictably, there was a flurry of comments by RB fans who wished to express their appreciation for the depicted merchandise model, but apparently the minds behind Reverend Bizarre (we’re using this combination of words reluctantly) were not pleased, and made their displeasure known…

effort

This is not the first time the gentlemanly (and occasionally feminist) members of RB jump to the defense of a female who has ripped their band name to shreds (although this time a bit more literally), but we can’t help gawping in astonishment… What did they actually expect when they were posting such a photo?

righty

Image

Sami Hynninen reaches out to Ville Valo !

We nearly chocked on our donuts this morning here at DWA, when we read a facebook post in which his reclusive Magickal Highness, Magister Albert Witchfinder, wished Ville Valo would start wearing Opium Warlords t-shirts (note the plural):

opium

Dearest Sami, you have repeatedly made your utter lack of intelligence and distance from reality painfully obvious in the past, recent and otherwise, but please do try to level with us on this… If you don’t make Opium Warlords t-shirts available, how do you expect Ville Valo to start wearing them? Do you reckon he’s gonna pop down to his local t-shirt printing shop and make them himself, then start wearing them? Not even Kimi Kärki has done that, and he owes his entire career to you!

Plus, didn’t you abhor fortune and fame in the first place? Didn’t you dissolve the only band you played in that actually sold records because you couldn’t handle their success? Didn’t you repeatedly wax lyrical on the moral and ethical advantages of not selling records? Didn’t you become a recluse, to renounce the mortal world with all its material trappings, or at least say that you did? WTF, Sami? W T F ???

 

Sami Hynninen reaches out to Ville Valo !

Get some cheap Pussy !

Opium Warlords’ second attempt at making The Emperor’s New Clothes has finally reached its rightful place: the bargain bin. As of March the 4th, it goes on the Svart records website for 5 euros, including postage worldwide…

opium2

http://svartrecords.com/shoppe/svart/1531-opium-warlords-we-meditate-under-the-pussy-in-the-sky-cd.html

Albert will whine and moan about the state of the music industry, but the truth of the matter is this: you can record crap, and you can even get a label to release it, but no one will buy it just because you released a coupla good albums 10 years ago.

Reading the Svart promo blurb, we also have some suggestions to make…

Instead of “FILE UNDER:  Outsider music – avantgarde, psychedelia, surrealism, experimentalism, minimalism, drone, sludge, noise, progressive rock, modern music, heaviness, lightness” try having “File Under: crap we thought idiots would buy because this idiot was in Reverend Bizarre”. Honesty is the best policy.

If you have a fiver to burn, go ahead and buy the album. It can make an excellent beverage coaster, conversation starter at the group therapy sessions, or paperweight. And unless we’re wrong (which we’re not), you will soon be able to fill out your Opium Warlords collection with “Sword” and “Droner” at equally competitive prices. With a genius like this, who needs WalMart?

Get some cheap Pussy !