Albert Witchfinder Drones on and on…

We’re slowly catching up on happenings in the idiot camp during our autumn break, which most of us spent sight-seeing in Sweden while researching a forthcoming article…

So, in the Sami Albert camp, everyone’s favourite whiny kid finally released his masterpiece, Droner:

The album carries on the Sami Albert tradition of truly esoteric releases with multiple layers waiting to reward the loyal buyer with attention to detail…

Paganini’s hand on the cover, for example, is a symbol of Sami’s inability to play any instrument anywhere near the skill level of the old master. But that’s no reason not to put it on the cover, if girls like Tamara get impressed and agree to give you a handjob. For less than their usual fee!

We’re not gonna lie, the writers of this blog have been unable to complete even one playthrough of the album. Most of us clicked off after the first two uneventful minutes, while the one who persisted on for a while longer had to be hospitalized when the vocals kicked in. He’s fine now, and his ribs ache only slightly while laughing.

The album however, got rave reviews from all of Sami’s mates who get freebie copies for “review” purposes. He’s painstakingly posting those reviews on his facebook page, in a sincere yet ludicrous attempt to lure buyers.

One place where the album did not go down well is the Official Chilean Reverend Bizarre Fan Club Forum: http://www.tirania.cl/moneygrab.html

The most common issue among forum users, despite being obviously grateful for a new album from the inimitable genius of Sami Albert, is that, yet again, Sami chose not to record some of his best songs, like “Overwhelm Me, Butt Sorrow”, “Lament for the Fiddlers of Tamara’s Khoto” and “The Land Beyond the Dancing Pole”.

Sami’s Chilean fans, who closely follow Sami’s “secret gigs” with his obscure projects Werwolf Lodge, Tähtipölhö and Javla Fitta are heartbroken that Sami won’t give them official studio versions for those live favourites.

But Sami has a well-earned reputation for not catering to his fans’ wishes, however faithfully they might support him. Cheer up, Chilean fans, you can always enjoy those songs in the live bootlegs!

If you fancy a listen to Sami’s laughable attempts at “music”, click here: https://opiumwarlords.bandcamp.com/album/droner

Aaand we will return with a coupla more Droner-inspired articles in the not too distant future…

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Albert Witchfinder Drones on and on…

standing on the shoulders of giants

As you might be aware, if you follow trendy social networking sites, Kimi Kärki’s second solo album, “Eye for an Eye”, came out last week to rapturous applause by… ehhm, Kimi’s mates, mostly. Among the album’s nine (that’s 9!) tracks, just the one features a guest appearance from Patrick Walker, singer/songwriter of Warning and 40 Watt Sun, which is something Kimi wants to make sure everyone knows about:

With such repetitive bashing on the head, one could be forgiven for thinking that this is actually a Patrick Walker release (for which Kimi is simply collecting the royalties, natch!). Which might as well be what the latter wants.

And yet, we’re just cherry-picking here, as we’d need an entire blog to include all instances where the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar casually name-dropped Pat while pimping his new album… But those examples are enough to give you an idea of the lengths some people are willing to go to, to shift some more units.

You didn’t see as many mentions of the other guests on the album, for example, did you? That’s because, unlike Warning and 40 Watt Sun, they actually sell LESS (if any) copies than Kimi, and therefore do not qualify as platforms in Dr. Kärki’s cunning marketing plan…

Rumours that the japanese pressing (ho! ho!) of the album will include a cover of “With a Little Help from my Friends” have not been confirmed as of going to press…

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Kimi Kärki manages to release “Eye for an Eye” !

After a pathetically pathetic year and a half, including a “delayed” and faulty CD version of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”, an LP version of the same album that has been rescheduled more times than we care to count, and a “pushed back” release date for “Eye for an Eye” itself, Kimi Kärki’s second solo album WAS released last friday…

 

We don’t know what’s more fancy, the gatefold cover or that lovely wallpaper in Kimi’s music room…

Naturally, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar spammed the same post on other facebook profiles he controls as well, including the Reverend Bizarre page:

 

Because Kim might not need a mask anymore, but he certainly craves the success his old band once had, a success that he has failed to reach himself in nearly a decade…

The same info was of course also rehashed on Lord Vicar’s page:

 

…although we’d venture that Lord Vicar fans might have appreciated an update on the much-maligned “Gates of Flesh” vinyl instead…

But Kimi always looks on the bright side of things, the good things in life. Is the LV vinyl you pre-ordered delayed AGAIN? Why not purchase “Eye for an Eye” while you’re waiting? Here’s the link, by your selectively informative friend, Dr. Kärki…

Congrats on making at least one release happen, Peter! We’re so proud of you! And we’ll be back to discuss some more things in the not too distant future…

Kimi Kärki manages to release “Eye for an Eye” !

A cure for insomnia

It’s not uncommon to find oneself unable to sleep this summer… The heat, the mosquitos, the excitement and anticipation for the release of Opium Warlords’ Droner may all keep one from shutting those eyelids and laying one’s head to rest…

Yet one should not have to endure their day sleep-deprived in these demanding and stressful times.

But fear not, dear readers, for scientists have pinpointed the new weapon in Morpheus’ arsenal that will get you snoring in no time!

Simply click “play” on this video, and let the blandness work its magic:

Sweet dreams!

A cure for insomnia

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

Life has been hard for Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, lately…

The latest opus from his main band, Lord Vicar, originally planned to feature “shorter, punchier songs”, came out on CD as one, long, 41-minute song.

The European tour scheduled for November last year, to support the release, never happened.

The vinyl version of the album, intended to coincide with the tour, has not been seen by anyone anywhere.

His second solo album, “Eye for an eye”, initially listed for release on April 21st, has been “pushed back” to August.

Perhaps worst of all, his ex-bandmate Sami Albert Hynninen, with whom Kimi founded the legendary and prestigious C.O.T.D. / Circle of True Doom, and who claimed that “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing he will ever do!” (fur realz!), now does the monkey dance live on stage with some Psychedelic Disco troupe.

On a more personal level, poor Kim now plays the stranger in a strange land, living all alone in a small flat in Cleveland, Ohio. Without his family and friends, Kimi spends way too much time on the internet, spamming his facebook “friends” with an interminable array of links and articles, informing everyone and anyone with an internet connection of what he approves and what he does not condone. Apparently, he’s severely unhappy with the political situation in the country that welcomed him. Could someone report this to the appropriate authorities, to end Kimi’s plight?

In the meantime, however, there is something YOU, dear readers, could do, to help cheer sad and lonely Kimi up… For he has an intimate concert scheduled for tonight:

This is Kimi’s only gig that we know of, despite him hoping that a US promoter would book Lord Vicar while he’s there…

Please, dear readers, go spend tonight with Kimi! Help him show the US promoters that he can pull a crowd, and put bums on seats. Put a smile on a long-suffering man’s face.

You don’t really need to listen to whatever he’s going to play (judging by what we’ve heard, neither his voice nor guitar playing are of any value, without the aid of studio trickery). Feel free to take your iPods with you, put your earphones in, and play something to your liking. Just nod along whenever he appears to be addressing you, explaining his “craft”. Shake his hand on your way out, and let him know how you enjoyed it. Commend his “versatile playing”. Assure him you’ll buy the album when it’s out (not a legally binding agreement, rest assured). Pat him on the back and tell him he’s an honest and honourable man. Feign interest in his side-career as a “cultural historian”. Smile wide, and make Kimi feel like a King for a Day. He has the Fool for a Lifetime part sorted.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

the curse of Magick with Tears

In a bizarre (but probably planned) twist, two albums by ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend were both scheduled for release on April 21st… Kimi Kärki’s “Eye for an Eye”, and Tähtiportti‘s “Superdepressio” 12″ LP , both on Svart Records. Perhaps they were hoping to do a “buy one get one free” deal?

Yet the date kept getting closer, and there were no details, no artwork revealed, no pre-orders, naught.

It eventually emerged that Kimi’s second solo album was “pushed back to August 18”, while Tähtiportti‘s might have come out last week. We don’t know, as they are not sure, either:

Which led us to wonder… Could the shroud of Reverend Bizarre’s penultimate release, “Magick with Tears”, be weighing over them still, getting their newer efforts “delayed”?

Allow us to remind you that the last Lord Vicar was also “delayed” (a story in itself, which you can read elsewhere in this blog), and, when it finally came out, the “delay” was comparatively a minor problem. Ditto with its vinyl release, originally announced for November last year, and still “forthcoming” six months later…

Opium Warlords’ “Droner” is also stuck in a rut somewhere, as Sami keeps adding/removing/editing stuff on it (a process known to the recording cognoscenti as “farting on microphones”), no release on the horizon. Not that we need a copy of it anytime soon or anything.

But could we be forgiven for spotting the pattern here? Magick with Tears’ 10th anniversary is approaching, with no justice of any kind for the ripped-off fans, while those who benefited from the scam (or, shall we say, “long con”?) are still enjoying the fruits of their deception, some of them a little closer geographically now than then…

the curse of Magick with Tears