Genre master Sami Albert
Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.
These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.
Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.
While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:
“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland
“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia
“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]
“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK
“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile
The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!
How many pricks can you spot in this photo?
The first person to reply with the correct answer wins a Reverend Bizarre swag bag (no, we don’t mean Tamara’s purse), full of goodies.
So, while our writers were absorbed elsewhere, Lord Vicar finally sneaked out their vinyl version of “Gates of Flesh”… Turns out the “something special and never seen before in the Doom metal history” is a piece of cardboard that folds out as you open the vinyl sleeve. We’re not kidding:
No doubt this seems fascinating if you are a village boy from Finland who got lucky and rode the broomstick of (relative) success for like 14 minutes on the back of someone else.
We imagine the executive meeting that led to this idea along the lines of…
Kimi Kärki: This would look so cool! All our 5-year-old-brained fans will love it!
Oliver Richleech: wunderbar! Can someone handle the pressing plant this time so I don’t eff up again?
Chrisis Lindarseon: Great idea Kim! I love being in this band! Really, I do!
New Bass Player: *claps along*
Jussi Mypeabrainoski: Hey, look! A donut!
Dilbert Whorefinder: *cringe* That’s not esoteric or enlightened enough, otherwise I would have thought of it first! Ha!
Our sincerest condolences to all those who parted with money for this fancy cardboard DIY project.
The very next day after our previous post, a bizarre photo appeared on the Lord Vicar facebook page, featuring sealed parcels in some kind of wheelbarrow:
Surely, if these parcels include the vinyl pressings of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”, whoever received them could take the extra 2 minutes to open the parcels, right? Or at least one of them, and take a photo of the contents instead? Seeing as we’re talking about “something special” and “never seen before in the Doom Metal history”? Right?
Well, four days later, still no photo of the contents, no records received by anyone anywhere, no emails to enquiring pre-buyers…
Meanwhile, the man who does not need a mask anymore, our beloved cultural historian Kimi Kärki has left to go on holiday, while those parcels sort themselves out…
You couldn’t make this stuff up! You honestly couldn’t.
Three months on from this post, more than a month on from the date given therein:
…and no one has seen a copy of the vinyl version of Lord Vicar’s “Gates of Flesh”.
There are no official announcements or outgoing emails from either the band or The Church Within / Doom Dealer. No explanations, no apologies.
And yet Kimi Kärki remains a prolific poster of junk on facebook, Lord Vicar post links to gig reviews where they’re proclaimed “masters”, but no one sees the need to keep pre-order buyers informed.
Lord Vicar, and The Church Within: Stalwarts of true professionalism!
We would like to conclude our Peter Vicar month with this quiz, dear readers, giving you a chance to see how you measure up against this pillar of greatness and how close you are to being a “Doom Metal Icon”… To find out the truth, simply answer those questions:
Your band has split up. You form a new band, with a different line-up, a different singer and a different chief songwriter. There could be benefits, however, if you explicitly introduce the new band as “the natural continuation” of the former. Would you?
b. Sure thing! Are you kidding?
Because of a mistake of your own label, the CD version of your new album is faulty. Do you…
a. Own up to it, directly let everyone know about it, and ask if they still want to receive the CD or would prefer a refund?
b. Send out the faulty CDs anyway and say “there’s aboslutely nothing that can be done”?
An impressionable, well-meaning but pea-brained hack has just written an article on you, full of inaccuracies, especially with regards to your past, status and accomplishments. Those inaccuracies, however, present you in a more favourable light. Do you…
a. Contact the journalist immediately, and offer the necessary corrections?
b. Post a link to the inaccurate article on all social networking sites you can, without mentioning anything, either to the writer or the readers?
Someone you’ve never met has been lying both to you and your fans, so she can steal their money. Who do you side with, and actively protect, in every way you can?
a. Your fans.
b. The liar.
exclusively “a”s: sorries, mate, it seems like you are an honest person, with common sense, responsibilty and a spine. You could never possibly be Peter Vicar.
exclusively “b”s: Congratulations! You ARE Peter Vicar!
Following on from our previous post, here’s another instance of our cherished buffoon, the artist formerly known as Peter Vicar, trying to get credit for things he has not done:
You see, now he did not just collaborate with a doom metal frontman, he became one himself…
If anyone knows when and where exactly Kimi Kärki has been a “doom metal frontman”, please do let us know.
Twice bad, that he posted this on the Reverend Bizarre page, knowing full well he was never their “frontman”… But the truth flees at the sight of our Lil’Kim.