Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

Life has been hard for Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, lately…

The latest opus from his main band, Lord Vicar, originally planned to feature “shorter, punchier songs”, came out on CD as one, long, 41-minute song.

The European tour scheduled for November last year, to support the release, never happened.

The vinyl version of the album, intended to coincide with the tour, has not been seen by anyone anywhere.

His second solo album, “Eye for an eye”, initially listed for release on April 21st, has been “pushed back” to August.

Perhaps worst of all, his ex-bandmate Sami Albert Hynninen, with whom Kimi founded the legendary and prestigious C.O.T.D. / Circle of True Doom, and who claimed that “Reverend Bizarre is the most mainstream thing he will ever do!” (fur realz!), now does the monkey dance live on stage with some Psychedelic Disco troupe.

On a more personal level, poor Kim now plays the stranger in a strange land, living all alone in a small flat in Cleveland, Ohio. Without his family and friends, Kimi spends way too much time on the internet, spamming his facebook “friends” with an interminable array of links and articles, informing everyone and anyone with an internet connection of what he approves and what he does not condone. Apparently, he’s severely unhappy with the political situation in the country that welcomed him. Could someone report this to the appropriate authorities, to end Kimi’s plight?

In the meantime, however, there is something YOU, dear readers, could do, to help cheer sad and lonely Kimi up… For he has an intimate concert scheduled for tonight:

This is Kimi’s only gig that we know of, despite him hoping that a US promoter would book Lord Vicar while he’s there…

Please, dear readers, go spend tonight with Kimi! Help him show the US promoters that he can pull a crowd, and put bums on seats. Put a smile on a long-suffering man’s face.

You don’t really need to listen to whatever he’s going to play (judging by what we’ve heard, neither his voice nor guitar playing are of any value, without the aid of studio trickery). Feel free to take your iPods with you, put your earphones in, and play something to your liking. Just nod along whenever he appears to be addressing you, explaining his “craft”. Shake his hand on your way out, and let him know how you enjoyed it. Commend his “versatile playing”. Assure him you’ll buy the album when it’s out (not a legally binding agreement, rest assured). Pat him on the back and tell him he’s an honest and honourable man. Feign interest in his side-career as a “cultural historian”. Smile wide, and make Kimi feel like a King for a Day. He has the Fool for a Lifetime part sorted.

Young Goodman Brown-nosing Kimi

The stories behind the songs: Lord Vicar’s “A Woman Out of Snow”

Here’s a video of Kimi Kärki performing at the Doom Over Scania festival a coupla months ago. Lord Vicar were booked to play, but three of their members got sick while in London (some sort of sorcery, no doubt), and so generous Kimi “offered” to play a solo gig instead.

They wouldn’t have him otherwise.

Before he launches into this masterpiece of modern folk, Kimi relates the story behind the song, the full band version of which will feature on Lord Vicar’s forthcoming album “The Gates of Flesh”.

Four things we learned from this video:

1. Kimi rips off Amorphis for lyrical subject matter. But he attributes it to their common ancestry and his extensive knowledge of the Kalevala. Probably.

2. Albert Witchfinder has copulated with frozen water. We could feign surprise, but we can’t be bothered.

3. No one sings the lyrics along with poor, poor Kimi. Of course, one could claim that this is due to the album not being out yet, but go ahead and check out other videos of Kimi playing “solo” and let us know if you find one with audience participation.

4. Kimi closes his eyes while he sings, but opens them in order to hit those difficult harmonics at the end. Oh well. Once an emotional virtuoso, always an emotional virtuoso.

Enjoy the video, and join us again once the album is released. Ho ho ho.

Video

Endless November

Not since the crusades have men ventured out on such a noble cause. The 2015 Lord Vicar tour starts today! Round Midnight. In Paris. See what we did there?

Please study their itinerary carefully, and, if they’re playing in, or passing through, your city, we advise you do your bakery shopping as early as possible.

Somewhat spectacularly, they are joined by none other than Lohja bedroom pinup boy, most generous benefactor, eeny wheeny miney mo and blog favourite Sami Albert Hynninen on bass!

Sneaky Peter Vicar has managed to get the other Reverend Bizarre member in his band, too. Machiavelli rubs his hands with glee in the Asphodel Meadows, while Satan, laughing, spreads his wings…

Don Alberto made the announcement on his exquisitely reclusive facebook page, and followed up with at least two more posts, and countless comments afterwards. There’s no denying the boy’s excited.

There has been no official announcement on Lordy Lard’s page, however. Could there be more to that story? What’s with keeping lineup changes under wraps? Are they embarrassed to have a musician of Albert’s calibre and lofty status in the band? Some sad twat posted about it in their official forum, but there’s been no commentary there, either. We’re pretty sure they’ll be posting when the album’s available to buy, though.

Sadly, and according to Sami, they won’t be performing RB tunes on the tour, as Kimi likes to think that their Paris gig sold out because his band is getting bigger and better and that those who bought tickets are going to the gig to see himself, giving those “solos” he recorded by moonlight a go.

Anyway. Have fun if you do attend a gig (we’re not being sarcastic). And buy Albert a drink. Ideally before the show.

Endless November

Lard coming soon to a venue near you !

Among the criticisms most often directed at our humble blog, the one that sticks out is that we feature a lot more posts on Magister Albert than on the other ex-members of Reverend Bozorre… A fair criticism, of course, but we can’t help it if Albert’s footinmouthitis provides us with material a lot more often. Perhaps if Kimi and Jari were more vocal about their political and moral views, we’d have more fodder for our cannons.

Luckily, however, this month we can bring you great tidings from the camp of Lord Vicar, who have often been heralded, by Kimi himself of course, as the “natural successor to Reverend Bizarre” (there’s actually a post on this very subject somewhere in our unpublished archives, but none of our staff can keep from laughing long enough to edit and publish it), as they are going on… drum roll… tour! Yes, tour!

sombrero

Not sure ourselves what Sombreros have to do with doom metal, but let’s stick to the facts: four dates all in all, lest the boys get tired or bored of playing the same generic dross over and over, with the last date taking place at the prestigious “TBA” venue…

While our staff reporters are busy making arrangements for which of these dates they are going to attend, we would like to wish the boys a series of safe journeys, well-portioned meals and steady merch sales (an aspect of touring that’s very close to Kimi’s heart), and suggest that if Kimi and Jussi did the tour on their bikes, this could greatly contribute towards their overall health and well-being. Jus’ sayin’ though, we’re not medical experts.

Lard coming soon to a venue near you !

Albert Witchfinder is Finally Happy to Perform Live !

…as long as he’s wearing a mask, and fronting a charting pop band, that is.

opium7

In yet another facebook post (he’s certainly making a few too many for a recluse), his Magisterial Highness expressed surprise at having been “healed somehow” and looking forward to performing shows with his brand new, Finnish album chart-bothering band Tähtiportti. Just not with long-serving, highly regarded yet not mainstream succesful doom metal legends Spiritus Mortis.

He can’t help it.

What could possibly be the deciding factor that separates Tähtiportti from Spiritus Mortis and makes it easy for Albertino to get up on stage with them? Could it be their album sales? Their wide appeal? Their Pet Shop Boys-aping? Perhaps Albert doesn’t like doom metal anymore, and prefers bland synthetic music that sounds like it was made with fruity loops presets? Or could it be that the audience at the Spiritus Mortis shows consists of the doom metal fans who have supported Albert throughout his 20-year career, instead of trend-following sheep, mindless teenagers and hipster scum?

Can someone who has read Tähtiportti’s rider confirm that Sir Albert requires his toast with extra butter on the side?

Albert Witchfinder is Finally Happy to Perform Live !

Shock and Awe! Notoriously Reclusive Artist to Perform Live !

Shy introvert Sami Albert Hynninen, who forsook the corrupt mortal world to stay at home and have mindless arguments on facebook, will be gracing the stage with his new flight of fancy, Tähtiportti, this coming weekend:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1553243108284720/

Sami and his new best friends (TM) will be taking to the stage of Ääniwalli, Helsinki, where they will be able to astound the gathered masses with faithful renditions of songs from their Svart-released debut (and most likely only) album, plus, possibly, some surprise tracks. We say “faithful renditions”, as, due to the electronic/programmed nature of the “music”, any and all allusions to “playing live” are… funny, to say the least.

Sami very helpfully posted all relevant info on his facebook page, which he loves so much, including a direct link to the online ticket merchant tiketti.fi, where those interested in attending this groundbreaking event can purchase tickets at the click of a button. Isn’t it great, making things easy for your fans, instead of asking them to pay triple postage so you can “have something released in Chile”, Sami? Always nice to see people learning things all the way to the mature age of 39.

If you’re living in Finland, or willing to travel, you can part with your cash here:

http://www.tiketti.fi/Valonkantajat-julkaisujuhla-Tahtiportti-Live-Aaniwalli-lippuja/31116

We hope the creative minds of the finnish TV world are aware of this momentous circumstance, and realize on time what a “Get Him To The Greek”-styled documentary is waiting to be filmed in the next 48 hours…

The staff of Doomwatchers Anonymous unfortunately cannot make it to the concert, but we have arranged to spend saturday evening at home, reading old interviews where Sami is whining about how he loathes playing live in front of a paying audience. F**k it, we might even spin an old Reverend Bizarre record, to complete the experience.

Break a leg, Sami! Our thoughts are with you, as always…

Shock and Awe! Notoriously Reclusive Artist to Perform Live !