Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Apologies for the slight delay since our last post, dear readers, but those of us who don’t mind going to the beach often find our priorities shifted and our time consumed easily.

Unlike blog sweetheart Sami Albert Hynninen, for example, who is busy planning the mixing sessions for Opium Warlords’ “Droner”, an album three years in the making…

That long gestation period places it in a contest with that other special release by Alberto’s former best mate Dicky Tosser from Yorkshire, who is also working on an album for a few years now (it sez here!), and of course Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” vinyl version, which has been foretold of for over a year now and still hasn’t materialised… Let’s see who wins the golden trophy among our noble competitors. Our money is on Kimi, seeing as he’s slimey and quick despite his considerable size.

Besides his hard work on “Droner”, Sami also found time to oversee a hand-bound reprint of “Tabula Obscura”, a comic book he co-authored with some other guys:

 

Priced at just 90 euros plus postage (which should be hefty in itself, judging by the book’s size and paper quality), it’s a veritable steal for punters, Reverend Bizarre fans with more money than sense, and those of you looking for tinder paper for your Summer Solstice (today, yo!) bonfire…

It’s unverified, but we have received reports that the impressive volume is lovingly hand-bound and shipped by Tamara and Pato, Sami’s best friends and business associates.

Please, place an order, dear readers, and be part of Sami’s “Get Rich Quick” scheme!

You can be assured of the quality of the book, because Sami Albert likes to maintain TOTAL CONTROL over whatever he pushes for you to buy:

 

Something that has worked well for Sami so far, except for that Reverend Bizarre “Magick with Tears” 2LP, the KLV “Niin Musta on Maa” compilation, the March 15th “Our Love Becomes a Funeral Pyre” EP… You sort of see where we’re getting at. So. TOTAL CONTROL. In ALL CAPS, to ensure you believe it.

Reserve your copy of this TOTALLy CONTROLLed Collector’s Item today, so Sami can think about maybe going to the beach after all. The one in Lohja, beside the dumpster and the drunk hipsters.

More news on ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend coming soon, we promise, as all camps have been busy and we are delighted to report on such splendid folk!

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

the curse of Magick with Tears

In a bizarre (but probably planned) twist, two albums by ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend were both scheduled for release on April 21st… Kimi Kärki’s “Eye for an Eye”, and Tähtiportti‘s “Superdepressio” 12″ LP , both on Svart Records. Perhaps they were hoping to do a “buy one get one free” deal?

Yet the date kept getting closer, and there were no details, no artwork revealed, no pre-orders, naught.

It eventually emerged that Kimi’s second solo album was “pushed back to August 18”, while Tähtiportti‘s might have come out last week. We don’t know, as they are not sure, either:

Which led us to wonder… Could the shroud of Reverend Bizarre’s penultimate release, “Magick with Tears”, be weighing over them still, getting their newer efforts “delayed”?

Allow us to remind you that the last Lord Vicar was also “delayed” (a story in itself, which you can read elsewhere in this blog), and, when it finally came out, the “delay” was comparatively a minor problem. Ditto with its vinyl release, originally announced for November last year, and still “forthcoming” six months later…

Opium Warlords’ “Droner” is also stuck in a rut somewhere, as Sami keeps adding/removing/editing stuff on it (a process known to the recording cognoscenti as “farting on microphones”), no release on the horizon. Not that we need a copy of it anytime soon or anything.

But could we be forgiven for spotting the pattern here? Magick with Tears’ 10th anniversary is approaching, with no justice of any kind for the ripped-off fans, while those who benefited from the scam (or, shall we say, “long con”?) are still enjoying the fruits of their deception, some of them a little closer geographically now than then…

the curse of Magick with Tears

A Grim Anniversary

Reverend Bizarre celebrated the 15th anniversary of the release of their debut album some days ago, on March 28th… They received plenty of responses from well-wishers and fans who, however, were not fans at the time.

Meanwhile, today marks nine (9!) years since that inaugural post on Reverend Bizarre’s forum…

by some weeks

And, even though the “some weeks” have turned into, like, more than 400 weeks, the members of Reverend Bizarre are working hard to ensure justice for their ripped-off fans…

The dough did not come out of their own pockets, you see…

We raise our flute glasses to make a toast, and we sign off this post with the opening track of both the said record, and their debut, for no other reason…

Happy anniversary, boys! Rest assured, your legacy is set in stone!

 

 

 

Image

love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

She is the quicksand. She grabs men, and drags them down. Men who have been unloved boys, and remain so. She knows what to do. She preys on loneliness. She tells them things that they want to believe, things that no other woman (mother or lover) has told them before… And she gets them to do what she wants them to.

That’s how she got the finnish village idiots to tell their fans to send her their money. That’s how she got them to tell their fans to shut up afterwards. “There is absolutely nothing that can be done.” She read it, smiled, then went back to counting her money.

That money paid for her to go places she would never have dreamt of otherwise. How many of Damian’s schoolmates have visited Europe? That’s how she met the new idiot. He has a boring swedish name, but, when she speaks about him in her native language, she affectionately refers to him as “my European citizenship”. He’ll serve his purpose, too.

He felt intimidated by all the gorgeous women in his country, never got the hang of it, never hacked it. But he fell in love with her part pug/part pig face. She doesn’t make him nervous. He feels safe. He thinks she loves him, too. He wants to defend her. There’s one born every minute.

Happy Valentine’s day, daughters of Eve. Slay those who will let you.

love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

A Halloween tale with a moral.

It’s Halloween. Sami is lying in his bed after a stressful day of trick or treating. He’s had to wash his hair because kids kept throwing eggs at him while shouting “Retard Weirdo!”, and after eating the entire contents of his treat bag, he’s feeling dozy.

He thinks back to when his friend Tami convinced him to climb inside a toilet bowl. There was some terrible stereotype, she said, that Sami could dispel by putting his head in the toilet. As soon as Sami was inside the toilet, someone kicked it and it started rolling… Sami was not concerned about who had kicked the bowl, despite the fact that there was no one around but Tami.

He was rolling downhill now, towards the sewage tank. “I’m picking up speed!”, he thought to himself, gleeing with pride. “I must be headed towards a bright future!”.

Then the kids outside threw another egg at his window, and he woke up.

A Halloween tale with a moral.

Pleased to Meat you !

While perusing the informative and illuminating Opium Warlords facebook page, which never ceases to intrigue, challenge and delight us, we stumbled upon a post that involved featuring one of their songs on a streaming portal/website… “Ah, lovely!”, we thought. “This might help save some units from the dust of the record label office.” However, upon clicking the link, we were horrified -HORRIFIED!- to see a steak, mincemeat and other vulgarities…

meat

“How strange,” we thought, tucking into our spinach, fennel and quinoa salad, “that a self-proclaimed advocate of vegetarianism like Albert Witchfinder should not only allow one of his songs to feature on a website that glorifies meat consumption, but also to unashamedly post about it on facebook…” One plump radish later, we remembered who it is we’re talking about, so we shrugged it off, and went back to our hummus…

Enjoy the song, try it with a side order of meatballs and a dollop of bacon-fried hypocrisy:

http://www.themetaldeli.com/

Pleased to Meat you !

Why buy just once, when you can buy twice? [vol.1]

Sami Hynninen and his lovely friend Jari (aka Earl of Void) have re-released their KLV ep for Record Store Day 2015 (that was yesterday)… Although all the material included had already been available on “Niin Musta On Maa”, the CD that many, many Reverend Bizarre fans ordered from Sami’s good friends in Chile, but few actually received, or saw a refund for.

klv

 

So, now that good and kind Sami has decked his faraway friends with enough cash to live the good life and take annual trips to the Roadburn Festival with, the time has finally come for the artists to make some money as well…

You can reward Sami and Jari for getting you ripped off and then saying they had nothing to do with it by buying KLV’s “Valkeus” ep from Levykauppa X:

http://www.recordshopx.com/svart_records/single/klv/valkeus/

which also sells the original Emissary records CD:

http://www.levykauppax.fi/artist/klv/niin_musta_on_maa/

So, which one should you go for? Hmm, decisions, decisions… Get them both, we here at DWA say… Nothing is as fulfilling as lining the pockets of greedy irresponsible “artists”.

Why buy just once, when you can buy twice? [vol.1]