Quiz: Are you Peter Vicar ?

We would like to conclude our Peter Vicar month with this quiz, dear readers, giving you a chance to see how you measure up against this pillar of greatness and how close you are to being a “Doom Metal Icon”… To find out the truth, simply answer those questions:

Your band has split up. You form a new band, with a different line-up, a different singer and a different chief songwriter. There could be benefits, however, if you explicitly introduce the new band as “the natural continuation” of the former. Would you?

a. Nah

b. Sure thing! Are you kidding?

 

Because of a mistake of your own label, the CD version of your new album is faulty. Do you…

a. Own up to it, directly let everyone know about it, and ask if they still want to receive the CD or would prefer a refund?

b. Send out the faulty CDs anyway and say “there’s aboslutely nothing that can be done”?

 

An impressionable, well-meaning but pea-brained hack has just written an article on you, full of inaccuracies, especially with regards to your past, status and accomplishments. Those inaccuracies, however, present you in a more favourable light. Do you…

a. Contact the journalist immediately, and offer the necessary corrections?

b. Post a link to the inaccurate article on all social networking sites you can, without mentioning anything, either to the writer or the readers?

 

Someone you’ve never met has been lying both to you and your fans, so she can steal their money. Who do you side with, and actively protect, in every way you can?

a. Your fans.

b. The liar.

 

The Results:

exclusively “a”s: sorries, mate, it seems like you are an honest person, with common sense, responsibilty and a spine. You could never possibly be Peter Vicar.

exclusively “b”s: Congratulations! You ARE Peter Vicar!

Advertisements
Quiz: Are you Peter Vicar ?

Burger boi has starry eyes!

Word reaches us that world renowned anti-corporations activist and recluse Sami Albert Hynninen has gone and done the unthinkable:

To begin with, we honestly don’t know which surprises us most: Doom Gloom Meister Albert Witchfinder in a franchise fast food joint, or that somehow Kimi Kärki was not around to grab the burger and run with it…

But then he starts relating the story about unexpectedly seeing this childhood hero of his, and we honestly got tears in our eyes…

We cried a bit more while he revealed how he did not dare approach his idol:

 

That must also be why Sami has not spoken to Pato of Tyrannus and Emissary Records, either… He feels such respect for the man who tricked him into getting his fans ripped off that poor, poor Albert feels intimidated. We’ll buy him a big red balloon and an ice cream cone next time we see him in an amusement park, looking all shy and running after members of Stam1na so he can post about them on his facebook…

This might be a photo of Sami on the day, sipping a beer to cool down his obvious excitement:

Beads of sweat are visible on his forehead, either from the emotional impact, or from stuffing his mouth with the entire contents of a Hesburger family meal. We’re not sure…

Hope you’re having a great summer, Sami! Try McDonalds next time, as a way to demonstrate your dislike for fast food franchises… Who knows which childhood hero of yours might be hanging out outside…

Burger boi has starry eyes!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

Apologies for the slight delay since our last post, dear readers, but those of us who don’t mind going to the beach often find our priorities shifted and our time consumed easily.

Unlike blog sweetheart Sami Albert Hynninen, for example, who is busy planning the mixing sessions for Opium Warlords’ “Droner”, an album three years in the making…

That long gestation period places it in a contest with that other special release by Alberto’s former best mate Dicky Tosser from Yorkshire, who is also working on an album for a few years now (it sez here!), and of course Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh” vinyl version, which has been foretold of for over a year now and still hasn’t materialised… Let’s see who wins the golden trophy among our noble competitors. Our money is on Kimi, seeing as he’s slimey and quick despite his considerable size.

Besides his hard work on “Droner”, Sami also found time to oversee a hand-bound reprint of “Tabula Obscura”, a comic book he co-authored with some other guys:

 

Priced at just 90 euros plus postage (which should be hefty in itself, judging by the book’s size and paper quality), it’s a veritable steal for punters, Reverend Bizarre fans with more money than sense, and those of you looking for tinder paper for your Summer Solstice (today, yo!) bonfire…

It’s unverified, but we have received reports that the impressive volume is lovingly hand-bound and shipped by Tamara and Pato, Sami’s best friends and business associates.

Please, place an order, dear readers, and be part of Sami’s “Get Rich Quick” scheme!

You can be assured of the quality of the book, because Sami Albert likes to maintain TOTAL CONTROL over whatever he pushes for you to buy:

 

Something that has worked well for Sami so far, except for that Reverend Bizarre “Magick with Tears” 2LP, the KLV “Niin Musta on Maa” compilation, the March 15th “Our Love Becomes a Funeral Pyre” EP… You sort of see where we’re getting at. So. TOTAL CONTROL. In ALL CAPS, to ensure you believe it.

Reserve your copy of this TOTALLy CONTROLLed Collector’s Item today, so Sami can think about maybe going to the beach after all. The one in Lohja, beside the dumpster and the drunk hipsters.

More news on ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend coming soon, we promise, as all camps have been busy and we are delighted to report on such splendid folk!

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone!

Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, Tamara is rich and your facebook is good-lookin’…

the curse of Magick with Tears

In a bizarre (but probably planned) twist, two albums by ex-members of the Bizarre Reverend were both scheduled for release on April 21st… Kimi Kärki’s “Eye for an Eye”, and Tähtiportti‘s “Superdepressio” 12″ LP , both on Svart Records. Perhaps they were hoping to do a “buy one get one free” deal?

Yet the date kept getting closer, and there were no details, no artwork revealed, no pre-orders, naught.

It eventually emerged that Kimi’s second solo album was “pushed back to August 18”, while Tähtiportti‘s might have come out last week. We don’t know, as they are not sure, either:

Which led us to wonder… Could the shroud of Reverend Bizarre’s penultimate release, “Magick with Tears”, be weighing over them still, getting their newer efforts “delayed”?

Allow us to remind you that the last Lord Vicar was also “delayed” (a story in itself, which you can read elsewhere in this blog), and, when it finally came out, the “delay” was comparatively a minor problem. Ditto with its vinyl release, originally announced for November last year, and still “forthcoming” six months later…

Opium Warlords’ “Droner” is also stuck in a rut somewhere, as Sami keeps adding/removing/editing stuff on it (a process known to the recording cognoscenti as “farting on microphones”), no release on the horizon. Not that we need a copy of it anytime soon or anything.

But could we be forgiven for spotting the pattern here? Magick with Tears’ 10th anniversary is approaching, with no justice of any kind for the ripped-off fans, while those who benefited from the scam (or, shall we say, “long con”?) are still enjoying the fruits of their deception, some of them a little closer geographically now than then…

the curse of Magick with Tears

A Grim Anniversary

Reverend Bizarre celebrated the 15th anniversary of the release of their debut album some days ago, on March 28th… They received plenty of responses from well-wishers and fans who, however, were not fans at the time.

Meanwhile, today marks nine (9!) years since that inaugural post on Reverend Bizarre’s forum…

by some weeks

And, even though the “some weeks” have turned into, like, more than 400 weeks, the members of Reverend Bizarre are working hard to ensure justice for their ripped-off fans…

The dough did not come out of their own pockets, you see…

We raise our flute glasses to make a toast, and we sign off this post with the opening track of both the said record, and their debut, for no other reason…

Happy anniversary, boys! Rest assured, your legacy is set in stone!

 

 

 

Image

love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

She is the quicksand. She grabs men, and drags them down. Men who have been unloved boys, and remain so. She knows what to do. She preys on loneliness. She tells them things that they want to believe, things that no other woman (mother or lover) has told them before… And she gets them to do what she wants them to.

That’s how she got the finnish village idiots to tell their fans to send her their money. That’s how she got them to tell their fans to shut up afterwards. “There is absolutely nothing that can be done.” She read it, smiled, then went back to counting her money.

That money paid for her to go places she would never have dreamt of otherwise. How many of Damian’s schoolmates have visited Europe? That’s how she met the new idiot. He has a boring swedish name, but, when she speaks about him in her native language, she affectionately refers to him as “my European citizenship”. He’ll serve his purpose, too.

He felt intimidated by all the gorgeous women in his country, never got the hang of it, never hacked it. But he fell in love with her part pug/part pig face. She doesn’t make him nervous. He feels safe. He thinks she loves him, too. He wants to defend her. There’s one born every minute.

Happy Valentine’s day, daughters of Eve. Slay those who will let you.

love is a quicksand dream: A (valentine’s day) Story About Destiny

A Halloween tale with a moral.

It’s Halloween. Sami is lying in his bed after a stressful day of trick or treating. He’s had to wash his hair because kids kept throwing eggs at him while shouting “Retard Weirdo!”, and after eating the entire contents of his treat bag, he’s feeling dozy.

He thinks back to when his friend Tami convinced him to climb inside a toilet bowl. There was some terrible stereotype, she said, that Sami could dispel by putting his head in the toilet. As soon as Sami was inside the toilet, someone kicked it and it started rolling… Sami was not concerned about who had kicked the bowl, despite the fact that there was no one around but Tami.

He was rolling downhill now, towards the sewage tank. “I’m picking up speed!”, he thought to himself, gleeing with pride. “I must be headed towards a bright future!”.

Then the kids outside threw another egg at his window, and he woke up.

A Halloween tale with a moral.