Kimi Kärki + Hipster girl = match made in heaven !

Our beloved reluctant artist Kimi Kärki briefly resurfaced recently in a YouTube video where Hipster Doom girl Sarah Kitteringham covers Finnish Doom:

Sarah is a lovely person. She owns lots of vinyl records that have all been released in the last 5 years, spends more time plaiting her hair than checking who actually sings in Minotauri (one of her favourite bands, yay!) and talks at length about things she doesn’t know. She’s basically a female Albert Witchfinder. No wonder she and Kim get along so well…

Video

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?

It appears we have neglected Kimi Kärki, dear readers… The last post on our favourite online-only alpha-male dates back to March of this year… It’s not our fault, though… Things have been very quiet in the Kärki camp (no pun intended)… His limelight-hogging majesty has not announced any new releases, tours, or tried to hijack an actual artist’s name to sell records in a long, long time.

We miss him, dear readers.

Really, we do.

How did that slogan he liked to end posts with go, again? “Eat Arse, Repeat Mundane”? Or something like that? We’d give anything, anything at all, dear readers, to have another grand artistic statement from our beloved Tamara-worshipping blonde bombshell…

That inimitable sense of style…

That hot bod…

That boyish charm…

Where is he, dear readers? Where is THE ARTIST? Please, help us find him!

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?

another tale of total controll

 

“Supervised” and even “slightly improved”… Need we say more?

Buy it again, doom fiends! Support the starving artists…

Whatever they’ve released recently does not really fly off the shelves.

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things are looking up for lord vicar !

Just as the writers of this blog are slowly recovering from our much-needed winter retreat in the outskirts of picturesque Stöde in Sweden, doom metal behemoths Lord Vicar are springing back into action by playing two gigs later this month: The first one in C.O.T.D. stronghold Bologna, IT and the second in world-renowned mecca of trad doom, Basel, CH.

These are the first Lardy shows in a while, the previous ones being a while back and a few months apart. This lack of live action has severely unnerved long-term Lard Vicar fans, who are keen on seeing plump guitarist Kimi Kärki try to recreate his heavily pro-tooled guitar parts live while a drunk scarecrow recites his laughable lyrics on fantasy concepts like bravery and courage.

Surely this great band of veteran doom legends could tour, no? In the absence of a full-on LV tour in a long while, we hired a well-established poll-conducting agency, who took to the streets, metal gigs and fast food joints and asked the pertinent question: “Why don’t Lord Vicar tour anymore?”.

While they undertake the herculean task of the statistical analysis, we cherry pick some answers, completely at random:

“A band who opens pre-orders for a CD they know is faulty, then sends it out to those fans who prepaid for it in good faith and say “there’s nothing that can be done” might find it difficult to convince promoters of their integrity, honesty, and work ethic…” -Sandrine, 22, Finland

“The only reason I went to see Lord Vicar -once!- was because I heard Sami Albert was playing bass, but turns out he wasn’t there actually. I had a few beers and went home to listen to Saint Vitus.” -Miguel, 34, Catalonia

“Lindearson’s alcoholic rider demands makes it difficult for any promoter to make a profit from a Lord Vicar show. 26 tickets can’t pay for an ocean of booze!” -Anonymous promoter, 56, [location withheld]

“Since they lost my tutelage, all ex members of Reverend Bizarre have found themselves struggling in all sorts of ways… It’s sad. All I ask for is a coupla blowjobs and we can be friends again.” -Rich, 80, UK

“It’s Karma, mate. They badmouthed me in their forum, now they can’t sell s**t. Serves them right, too!” -Pato, 49, Chile

The writers of this blog wholeheartedly wish Lord Vicar a 29-day trek across Europe, a long awaited South American tour, and a headline slot in Burning Man 2019… Make it happen, Kim!

things are looking up for lord vicar !

a special christmas message

Kind readers,

this Christmas,

while you are surrounded by family

and friends,

please spare a thought

for those

less fortunate ones,

who play gigs to no one.

a special christmas message

men in black: C.O.T.D. version

“Look right here. You did not pay in good faith for a faulty disc. No, you didn’t.”

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lord vicar don’t fail to disappoint!

So, while our writers were absorbed elsewhere, Lord Vicar finally sneaked out their vinyl version of “Gates of Flesh”… Turns out the “something special and never seen before in the Doom metal history” is a piece of cardboard that folds out as you open the vinyl sleeve. We’re not kidding:

No doubt this seems fascinating if you are a village boy from Finland who got lucky and rode the broomstick of (relative) success for like 14 minutes on the back of someone else.

We imagine the executive meeting that led to this idea along the lines of…

Kimi Kärki: This would look so cool! All our 5-year-old-brained fans will love it!

Oliver Richleech: wunderbar! Can someone handle the pressing plant this time so I don’t eff up again?

Chrisis Lindarseon: Great idea Kim! I love being in this band! Really, I do!

Milly: Woo-Hoo!

New Bass Player: *claps along*

Jussi Mypeabrainoski: Hey, look! A donut!

Dilbert Whorefinder: *cringe* That’s not esoteric or enlightened enough, otherwise I would have thought of it first! Ha!

Our sincerest condolences to all those who parted with money for this fancy cardboard DIY project.

lord vicar don’t fail to disappoint!