Kimi Kärki: a true master of positivity!

Following on from our previous post, there’s a Kimi Kärki tidbit that we’d like to expand on… You see, dear readers, we absolutely do not believe that Kimi Kärki did not know about those re-releases in advance. Not. For. A. Second.

If you read the facebook thread carefully (which he himself posted), it becomes apparent that it was a political move, to placate his record label (with whom he’s releasing another Lord Vicar album this spring -unless Oli effs up again, that is), and diffuse the situation with his former bandmate, Albertino Von Doom…

His parting post speaks volumes to those of us who remember Kimi Kärki as the bigot Peter Vicar, mouthing off on the Hellride forums from the safety of his computer:

 

He “wants to focus on something positive instead”, righty-o. That must have been his saving grace through it all…

Your fans got ripped off by someone who pretended to be your and their friend? Hey, no worries, “focus on something positive instead”! Just remember to tell those who speak the truth to “shut the F**k up” first…

Your new CD is one track? No problems here, send out the faulty CDs and “focus on something positive instead”. Job done, money in the bank!

Your solo albums go from discounted price to discounted price? Absolutely no need to fret whatsoever: “focus on something positive instead”! It just means your “art” is too high profile for the consuming masses. Better unsold, than in the homes of undeserving lowlifes.

Dearest readers, learn from this wise master of positive thinking, and welcome the new year under the spectre of positive focus. And make sure you buy those Reverend Bizarre re-releases from The Church Within. Because Sami and Oli need some positive vibes as well.

Happy new year!

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Kimi Kärki: a true master of positivity!

the curse of “magick with tears” strikes again!

Joy to the world indeed, dear readers, as recently there was such mirth generated on Reverend Bizarre’s facebook page that it took us a few days to recover…

Long story short, a news item was posted on Reverend Bizarre’s facebook page (which we are told is run by Peter Vicar, or Kimi Kärki), concerning the CD re-release of two Reverend Bizarre albums on The Church Within label. Business as usual, then.

Well, no.

You see, starving artist Albert Witchfinder was not informed of the re-releases until his beloved (no jokes please) former bandmate made that post. Cue endless tirades on his Total Control clauses, cutting commentary by a metal-archives moderator, responses by a dude with a german name who seems to jump into assumptions very easily, and laughable patronising posts by Peter Vicar (or Kimi Kärki), himself.

This is the post that started it all…

And you can read the hilarity that ensued for yourselves, here:

All told, this Oli Richling bloke is moving stealthily to usurp Kimi Kärki as the most underhand individual in doom metal. The 2018 backstabbing awards will be difficult to vote for.

Meanwhile, can someone please confirm that those two CDs are indeed one track? Because basically, those albums have to be listened as continuous journeys, not track here, track there. This is at least the way we prefer it to be experienced, and it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and think of Oli counting his money, while Sami is crying in the far corner. Poor thing.

 

the curse of “magick with tears” strikes again!

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?

It appears we have neglected Kimi Kärki, dear readers… The last post on our favourite online-only alpha-male dates back to March of this year… It’s not our fault, though… Things have been very quiet in the Kärki camp (no pun intended)… His limelight-hogging majesty has not announced any new releases, tours, or tried to hijack an actual artist’s name to sell records in a long, long time.

We miss him, dear readers.

Really, we do.

How did that slogan he liked to end posts with go, again? “Eat Arse, Repeat Mundane”? Or something like that? We’d give anything, anything at all, dear readers, to have another grand artistic statement from our beloved Tamara-worshipping blonde bombshell…

That inimitable sense of style…

That hot bod…

That boyish charm…

Where is he, dear readers? Where is THE ARTIST? Please, help us find him!

where in the world is Kimi Kärki !?

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

We received this email today, which we publish in full:

“Notoriously reclusive artist Sami Albert Hynninen aka Albert Witchfinder has announced a “Storytellers”-type tour for late 2018. The tour will span seven months and cover all five continents.

For this very special tour, Sami Albert will be performing fan favourites from ALL his past bands, preceding each one with a story which will give fans a greater understanding and appreciation of his ART. Reverend Bizarre, KLV, March 15, The Candles Burning Blue, The Puritan, Vironsusi, Armanenschaft, Tähtiportti, Spiritus Mortis, Azrael Rising, Opium Warlords, Punisment, Tamarascunt and Werwolf Lodge will all feature in the setlist, with at least three songs each, in the five-hour-plus emotional extravaganza. 

In addition, multi-instrumentalist Sami Albert will eschew conventional instruments like guitar and bass for this tour, performing instead on wurlitzer, glockenspiel, recorder, viola da gamba, oud and bell ends instead.

The full setlist is being kept a secret, but the reclusive artist has agreed to reveal that Reverend Bizarre classic “Cirith Ungol” will be performed on the recorder, and in its full 21 minute duration.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sami Albert’s prodigious musical nature, here is a rare sample of him performing an obscure Rachmaninoff piece:

The tour is being scheduled, organized and overseen by multinational conglomerate Talewynn Entertainment. Speaking from their Scandinavian branch in Stöde, Sweden, CEO Tammy Rat-Cucaracha commented:

“This is a great enterprise that our entire personnel is working on full steam for. The tour will be conducted on a specially designed Air Bus, so that our beloved artist Albert Witchfinder can travel safely and comfortably with his entourage. The plane has been radically redisigned for that purpose, its hold carrying all of Sami’s instruments, projectors and light show, while the upstairs VIP lounge can fit all 87 of Sami Albert’s friends and liggers.”

“Sami personally chose me to oversee the operation”, she continues, “as he is well aware of my track record in integrity, professionalism and quick ability to distance myself from complex situations once the beans have changed hands, if you know what I mean.”

Osho Pohlo, a long-term member of Sami’s entourage, provides further background info: “After 20-plus years of being Sami’s yes-man, always agreeing with him, regularly patting him on the back, massaging his ego, and not once uttering the words “This is a stupid idea, Sami!”, I finally feel appreciated and gratified of my pure, honest friendship. This tour will be a non-stop party!”

Even though the exact tour dates have not yet been officially announced, Talewynn Sales (a division of Talewynn Entertainment) has already opened pre-orders for the tickets, including VIP, Gold VIP, Platinum VIP and Super VIP “fan” packages for the fans who cannot wait to support and meet their idol.

Please send queries to Iranoutofcash@sosendmemore.cl for full VIP package info.”

We the writers of this blog declare our enthusiasm for this exciting enterprise and wish Sami Albert all the best in this noble and esoteric endeavour…

 

albert witchfinder “storyteller” tour 2018/19

opium warlords fall victim to brutal repricing !

 

Maybe if they gave a free copy of “Gates of Flesh” with every purchase? That might help, no?

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albert witchfinder talks penis !

Read and learn from sacred scripture of a true master on the subject:

He meditates under the big vulva in the sky on a daily basis, you know…

albert witchfinder talks penis !

a special christmas message

Kind readers,

this Christmas,

while you are surrounded by family

and friends,

please spare a thought

for those

less fortunate ones,

who play gigs to no one.

a special christmas message