A cure for insomnia

It’s not uncommon to find oneself unable to sleep this summer… The heat, the mosquitos, the excitement and anticipation for the release of Opium Warlords’ Droner may all keep one from shutting those eyelids and laying one’s head to rest…

Yet one should not have to endure their day sleep-deprived in these demanding and stressful times.

But fear not, dear readers, for scientists have pinpointed the new weapon in Morpheus’ arsenal that will get you snoring in no time!

Simply click “play” on this video, and let the blandness work its magic:

Sweet dreams!

A cure for insomnia

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

…as The Artist who “likes to keep TOTAL CONTROL!” (did you notice the ALL CAPS? that’s because he means it!), recently confirmed the end of the laboured process:

 

After over three years of threading the Emperor’s Newer Clothes, The Artist understandably needs to celebrate accordingly and blow off some steam…

And what better way to do so, than to perform at a double-whammy of shows with camp troupe Tähtiportti?

 

Because, you see, some monkeys like to dance under TOTAL CONTROL!

Opium Warlords’ droner opus will soon be available to download!

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

The entire recorded output of Kimi Kärki, aka Peter Vicar, aka Red-Rooster-holder, was released today on a single disc, as a single track.

Momentous leaps in technology achieved by Turku-based IT giant CoproTech made it possible to fit each and every song Kimi every recorded on a single disc, with no index numbers, which went on sale today as part of Sfart Records’ The Easter Bunny Presents budget-priced music collection.

Fans will be able to stick the CD in their player, lie back and enjoy Peter’s evolution as composer, singer and guitar player in an endless mind-bending journey…

According to the artist’s own press release, “What this means is that these albums have to be listened as a continuous journey, not album here, album there. This is at least the way I prefer it to be experienced, and as the discography takes only a bit more than a few days to listen, it’s not a huge test in patience, even in today’s world. Just close your eyes and try not to doze off!!!”

This special release is sadly not available on itunes.

EDIT, April 3rd 2017: This post was our feeble attempt at an April Fools. Obviously, if such technology existed, it would have been adopted by artists who actually shift units, not an ex-member of Reverend Bizarre. Our apologies to those who manifestly got excited in the comments section.

A giant dump of greatness this way comes!

“you have reached the Lord Vicar customer services, how can I be of assistance?”

A blog visitor linked us to this exchange which happened on the Lord Vicar facebook page:

Surely, such customer service skills are putting several multinational corporations to shame.

However, we cannot help but think that Lardy is getting softer with age… What happened to the stern, strong man, The Spartan, who, just a few months ago, unashamedly told unsuspecting, trusting buyers that “there is absolutely nothing that can be done”? Why didn’t Lardy casually inform this infidel that “this is the way they prefer it to be experienced”? Why didn’t he stress the importance of being “listened as a continuous journey, not track here, track there”? Surely, if he wanted to play Lord Vicar’s tunes as a dj, he could play the whole thing, no? “It’s not a huge test in patience” or anything!

Those youngsters cannot be relied upon to be C.O.T.D., but if we cannot depend on a C.O.T.D. veteran to show them the way, then what is left? Accidents, a Green-Loving Man who is becoming a shadow of himself?

Sad, really.

“you have reached the Lord Vicar customer services, how can I be of assistance?”

The Gates of Fail / Pirate of teh Youtoobz !

Just when you thought that thick couldn’t possibly get any thicker, Lord Vicar post a link on their facebook page that no one can access!

le peur

While it is commendable on their part that they decided to allow fans to listen to a song without having to listen to the entire album (as clueless CD buyers have had to discover for themselves), we’re not exactly sure of the thought process behind it, or if there was one at all…

We mean, you couldn’t possibly expect poor Kimi to know which regions he has licensed it to? It’s not like he’s the composer who created this piece of (f)art out of the depths of his (tiny) soul, or anything…

Oh. Wait.

And while the well-intended Vicar found himself drowning in the murky waters of YouTube, one of their more pea-brained dedicated fans declared himself the Errol Flynn of the high digital seas…

under jolly roger

Yep, you read that right. He runs a “Pirate Doom Metal channel”. Let us pause for a bit, as our bellies are hurting.

Wishing to be of assistance, we humbly suggest the two get together to discuss YouTube etiquette before one of them finds himself walking the plank. Yo ho ho.

Image

Kimi Kärki really wants to sell you his misprint CDs!

Following on from our previous post, to which Lord Vicar and/or their record label have not replied, here’s a selective history of Kimi Kärki’s attempts to flog you those misprint CDs, you know, the ones where you can’t actually select a track like on 99.9% of other CDs…

We say “selective”, as we’re leaving out certain posts, and all “reviews”. We do have a few issues to pick with some of the reviews, but that’s perhaps a story for another day…

So, here’s the first tidbit, barely a week after the “all CDs are misprints but we’ve already sent them out anyway and there’s absolutely nothing to be done about it” announcement:

wish

“Wish they all got the new album” is a bit of a wishful thinking, Kimi Kärki, especially as you have never sold 7400 copies of ANYTHING you’ve made post-Reverend Bizarre. We doubt your cumulative record sales hit that number.

Also interesting to note that the post about the misprint did not show on Lord Vicar’s fans’ feed. Coincidence, or another cunning trick by a desperate has-been? We know which one our money’s on…

Two more weeks later…

break like the wind

Again, no mention of the eccentricities of “the new album on CD”. Those rags sure look cool, though. We need some to dust our office shelves with.

A month later, sales presumably still lacking in numbers, here’s another reminder of where you can get “Birth of Wine” from. You won’t be able to listen to it as a standalone track, though. A fact that’s somehow omitted from the post. Ho hum.

whine

A look on the Church Within / Doom Dealer website tells us that there’s no mention whatsoever about the CD’s one-track mind there, either, the tracklisting is still divided in individual tracks, as it should have been on the CD, BUT ISN’T, while the now ridiculous “Deliberately shorter than previous albums, the band sought to concentrate their trademark heaviness into shorter, punchier songs” promo blurb has been left anyway, possibly in a vague attempt to disguise facts… Sad, actually.

blurb

We saved the best for last:

collector's delight

Nothing to add, really. If anyone finds a missing spine in the general Turku area, please contact the blog and we’ll do our best to reunite it with its former owner.

Kimi Kärki really wants to sell you his misprint CDs!