albert witchfinder talks penis !

Read and learn from sacred scripture of a true master on the subject:

He meditates under the big vulva in the sky on a daily basis, you know…

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albert witchfinder talks penis !

lord vicar don’t fail to disappoint!

So, while our writers were absorbed elsewhere, Lord Vicar finally sneaked out their vinyl version of “Gates of Flesh”… Turns out the “something special and never seen before in the Doom metal history” is a piece of cardboard that folds out as you open the vinyl sleeve. We’re not kidding:

No doubt this seems fascinating if you are a village boy from Finland who got lucky and rode the broomstick of (relative) success for like 14 minutes on the back of someone else.

We imagine the executive meeting that led to this idea along the lines of…

Kimi Kärki: This would look so cool! All our 5-year-old-brained fans will love it!

Oliver Richleech: wunderbar! Can someone handle the pressing plant this time so I don’t eff up again?

Chrisis Lindarseon: Great idea Kim! I love being in this band! Really, I do!

Milly: Woo-Hoo!

New Bass Player: *claps along*

Jussi Mypeabrainoski: Hey, look! A donut!

Dilbert Whorefinder: *cringe* That’s not esoteric or enlightened enough, otherwise I would have thought of it first! Ha!

Our sincerest condolences to all those who parted with money for this fancy cardboard DIY project.

lord vicar don’t fail to disappoint!

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

We continue our lazy summer reporting with more stellar tidings from the Kimi Kärki camp. “The artist formerly known as Peter Vicar” (more on that later) has recently moved, again, from one country where he did not approve of the political leadership, to another country where he does not approve of the political leadership. Pff, cultural historians are so hard to please, politically… Why doesn’t he move to sunny Chile?

In between packing and unpacking (“Unsold copies of “The Bone of my Bones”, check. Unsold copies of Lord Vicar’s “The Gates of Flesh”, check. Where are my Looney Tunes socks, Myharit?”), Kimi has managed to re-establish himself as a master of marketing, while letting potential buyers know about his upcoming plinkety plonk, “Eye for an eye”…

Rule 1 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Ensure all former fans are aware that you don’t need a mask anymore:

 

Subrule 1.2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Post on your former band’s page, the one where you needed the mask, to ensure higher visibility. Let’s face it, none of your other pages have as many likes or followers.

Rule 2 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Even though your promo blurb already includes the info, post a comment to your own post, to highlight the fact that you have managed to cajole someone with a good voice, singing ability and who actually sells records, to appear on your meagre offering:

 

Rule 3 of the Kimi Kärki marketing plan: Open pre-orders. This way, if your album turns out to be faulty like the last one, idiots will have already bought it by the time they know about it. Be cunning, shift units!

 

A few days later, The artist formerly known as Tamara’s best bud published a promo video for the album:

In addition to Kimi’s squinting face, you’ll notice that the video track is slightly out of sync from the audio on the several instances when The artist formerly known as Alpha Male of the Internets recites the lyrics to the camera.

You would have thought that a cultural historian with a PhD., who managed to get funding to go abroad for six months on someone else’s dime, would somehow realize that, if you add a 3-second title card to the video, you should move the audio track for the same interval, but, of course, Kimi is not your average educated fella. If he was, and he had the brains to match his ambition, this blog would probably have no reason to exist.

An extra shout-out to his label, Svart Records, who also exhibited vast amounts of professionalism in this instance. There’s a post forthcoming on them, too, but one thing at a time.

Enjoy the video, and don’t mind the sun in Kimi’s eyes. At least he’s facing it for a moment, instead of digging his bloated head in the sand as he’s more known for.

Good things in Life: Learn how to successfully market yourself in three easy, doom-laden steps

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

While looking for footage from last week’s “acoustic evening”, we stumbled upon this gem where versatile cultural historian Kimi Kärki recites Bob Dylan and urges us to consider the commercialization of protest songs, in a video that captivates, delights and attempts to reconstruct your cerebral cortex… That manic madman’s stare! Ooh-hoo.

As a cultural and emotional counterpoint, here’s one of Kimi’s protest songs:

Some people believe it’s about his pr**k…

renowned cultural historian Kimi Kärki makes it big on Youtube!

no comment post (vol.1)

…because spring is finally with us and sometimes we’re too bored to laugh at the Finnish idiots. Other times they don’t need our help for that, either.

Let him who hath understanding reckon, etc, etc.

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“you have reached the Lord Vicar customer services, how can I be of assistance?”

A blog visitor linked us to this exchange which happened on the Lord Vicar facebook page:

Surely, such customer service skills are putting several multinational corporations to shame.

However, we cannot help but think that Lardy is getting softer with age… What happened to the stern, strong man, The Spartan, who, just a few months ago, unashamedly told unsuspecting, trusting buyers that “there is absolutely nothing that can be done”? Why didn’t Lardy casually inform this infidel that “this is the way they prefer it to be experienced”? Why didn’t he stress the importance of being “listened as a continuous journey, not track here, track there”? Surely, if he wanted to play Lord Vicar’s tunes as a dj, he could play the whole thing, no? “It’s not a huge test in patience” or anything!

Those youngsters cannot be relied upon to be C.O.T.D., but if we cannot depend on a C.O.T.D. veteran to show them the way, then what is left? Accidents, a Green-Loving Man who is becoming a shadow of himself?

Sad, really.

“you have reached the Lord Vicar customer services, how can I be of assistance?”

The Gates of Fail / Pirate of teh Youtoobz !

Just when you thought that thick couldn’t possibly get any thicker, Lord Vicar post a link on their facebook page that no one can access!

le peur

While it is commendable on their part that they decided to allow fans to listen to a song without having to listen to the entire album (as clueless CD buyers have had to discover for themselves), we’re not exactly sure of the thought process behind it, or if there was one at all…

We mean, you couldn’t possibly expect poor Kimi to know which regions he has licensed it to? It’s not like he’s the composer who created this piece of (f)art out of the depths of his (tiny) soul, or anything…

Oh. Wait.

And while the well-intended Vicar found himself drowning in the murky waters of YouTube, one of their more pea-brained dedicated fans declared himself the Errol Flynn of the high digital seas…

under jolly roger

Yep, you read that right. He runs a “Pirate Doom Metal channel”. Let us pause for a bit, as our bellies are hurting.

Wishing to be of assistance, we humbly suggest the two get together to discuss YouTube etiquette before one of them finds himself walking the plank. Yo ho ho.

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