A rotten pile of excrement was discovered last Saturday night in Turku, Finland, in the vicinity of Köydenpunojankatu. Saturday night revellers noticed a strong stench, which they traced to a massive cornucopia of ordure. Local archaeology enthusiast Vaalea Pullukka takes up the story:
“Carbon dating determines the manure heap to be exactly four decades old, making it an important find for the area!”, she beams with excitement. “At first, the locals mistook it for a man, due to its massive size and irregular shape, but it became clear even to them, that this is only faeces.”
“I could have sworn I heard it sing!”, says Jarmo M., a slightly inebriated local at the nearby watering hole, “but there’s no way this smell could be emanating from anything remotely human…”. He blushes, with obvious embarrassment.
Whilst its age has been accurately determined, the origins of the excreta have not been defined. Locals have largely guessed at canine or equestrian sources, but the circumstances under which such a large volume of excrement could have been produced remain a mystery.
Further tests revealed the pile to have the following attributes:
I. impressive flexibility
II. melts upon exposure to south american vaginal secretions
III. an unmistakable attraction to money
IV. an advanced state of rot
“The pile absorbs food at an alarming speed, to maintain its body mass. There’s an undeniable necessity and greed to its consumption rate. It seems like it intends to be the largest, stinkiest pile of dung in the whole of Finland!”, concludes a noticeably enamoured area resident. “There’s no stopping its ambition for ultimate egesta supremacy!”.
The lab tests continue, we will sure keep our readers up to date with any further developments.